Text chain

At a group gathering have everyone text three people telling them about the event going on or an event coming up.

• They can text absent group members, friends, eligible family.
  
• Don't get overly organized and try to make sure some one kid doesn't get 5 texts. That's just fine. Makes them feel wanted.
  
• Do this infrequently, maybe once a quarter.
  

Be a Moral Guarantor for your youth

Like it or not your youth will look to you for moral guidance. You cannot, like the celebrities, try to pretend that your actions and life are not anyone's business and you have no intention of being a “role model.” Not only are you (and they) role models, you have signed on for that job! So the youth around you are watching, mostly unconsciously, your every move trying to learn what it means to be a “Christian adult.” (remember the anti-smoking ads?) So, what are you teaching them?

• Periodically we need to stop and look at our actions and interactions to make sure we are teaching them what we intend to teach them
• If we see behaviors in the youth that bother us, we need to first look at ourselves to make sure we haven't taught them that.
• When teaching a lesson or preaching, we need to see how much if applies to our own lives.
• If the concern is a difficult one (“I need to be less sarcastic”) at least admit that it is a problem that you are trying to overcome. This, in itself is an important lesson for them to learn.
• Never make excuses when you slip up.
• As I have said in other posts, we may have to adhere to a code that we do not consider necessary – specially for an adult, but if it is something we don't want to our youth to emulate, we may have adhere to it – for their sake.

Child raising: The child is the exception – for good or ill

If a bad behavior is condoned in other children by their parents (“isn't that cute”) but not for their own children

• the child is likely to view the rule as unfair and adopt an everyone-for-themselves attitude.
• They also will tend to hide things from their parents

On the other had if bad behavior is viewed by the parent as ok for the youth but not for other children

• the child is likely to view themselves as exceptions to all rules.
• As I've commented elsewhere, if a youth worker is a parent of a child in the group, they have to be very careful not to apply rules more strictly on their child or to make their child exceptions. This is incredibly destructive to all parties.
• One reason I've always been hesitant to turn to a parent when a youth is “out of control” is that I can never be sure what the parental response will be: take the kind home and beat him/her, to blame me or someone else, or both, and, always, pull the youth out of the program.

Being an ADD/ADHD youth worker #17: Creative Thinking

Make good and unapologetic use of your creative thinking – your ability to put together seemingly unrelated things (this isn't just my idea, this is in the literature)

• This is sometimes seriously out-of-the-box thinking.
• Getting people to listen to us is often a problem.
• Find people that deal will with someone who is ADD – listen to their 'hare-brained” ideas.
• Make sure that new ideas and perspectives are communicated clearly and in a way that will make it acceptable to more traditional thinking people.
• and be patient. It may take them awhile to catch up with you

Moral Codes at home

If there is a logical and consistent moral code at home, even if it is imperfectly implemented, the youth is likely to accept and adopt it.

• When a family discusses moral issues and recognizes the difficulty of living up to some of the standards. For example when a TV show shows disregard and stereotypes for certain classes of people (gender, social strata, etc) and the family points out the wrongness of this disregard or stereotyping, the youth will learn to recognize and oppose such attitudes
• When rational boundaries are given for a moral standard, such as “the government sets age limits for alcohol and we observe these” and/or “research shows that alcohol has serious long term effect on youth and children the younger the youth are when they start drinking the more damage is done,” [This is a true fact] reason will convince the youth.
• If exceptions are discussed and agreed to or rejected, this makes the exceptions rational and acceptable to the youth.

Child raising: A consistent moral code in the home

If the moral code in the home is inconsistent, what the youth learns and what moral code they will be directed by varies.

• Rules that are applied to other people and other families but not to their own, teaches the youth to not value such rules at all. (The classic example of this is ragging about “welfare cheats” when the family fudges on tax forms.)
• If the youth is expected to live by rules (such as no lying) that the parent doesn't live by, the youth are likely to reject the rules as unfair.
• Hypocrisy is commonly rejected by the child unless the parent admits the problem but excuses it by saying that they want their child to do better than they have done. This takes it out of the realm of “hypocrisy.”

Being an ADD/ADHD youth worker #16: Find the right vocation

We do well in jobs and situations where there is a lot going and a lot of interruptions.

• I would not be able to hold down a job like many people have. I simply cannot hold still and stay quietly focused on one task for long periods of time.
• My job as a Minister for Christian Education and Youth suited me fine.
  • There were constant interruptions.
  • There was more to do than I could possibly do
  • The tasks were varied, ranging from Biblical research to a pickup soccer game in the Dining Room.
  • There was structure to the job, but no routine
  • There was little in my job where I have to be completely focused on something for long periods of time or in high-stimuli situations.

Child raising: permissive vs harsh?

I've seen too many “problem children” raised in both kinds of households and too many “ideal children” raised in both kinds of households. Any blanket statements, besides being disproved through research also are clearly not true from common observation. Unfortunately our prejudices cloud our vision. If we want to see “problems” or “ideal” as being related to permissiveness or strict upbringing, we'll see only those cases that confirm our prejudices.

Research generally shows that the two extremes are both problematic. [one interesting side example: children from permissive households that do drugs at all tend toward hallucinogenic type drugs, and children from harsh households that do drugs at all tend toward Heroin based drugs.]

For this blog I'd like to focus on some aspects of moral environment and its affect on the children.

The real heart of youth ministry

There innumerable definitions of youth ministry and its value. Many of them are right. Sometimes it is a matter of the moment. But one definition is: that which we do while waiting for a crisis to deal with.

A youth in crisis is our real calling. We need to be there for them, we need to be trained and knowledgeable and ready to act. Often the crisis is a broken arm, but sometimes it is suicide, or crises of faith. It doesn't matter, it is our job to take care of them.

It doesn't matter if they were being stupid

It doesn't matter if they were being immoral

It doesn't matter if the crisis is bigger in their sight than ours

It doesn't matter if we have other things to attend to

Being an ADD/ADHD youth worker #15: provide your own distractions

Since we need distractions to keep from going bonkers, prepare for times when you won't have enough to keep occupied.

• Always have a book or a project with you
  • We need to always be working on several projects
  • Whenever there is a pause in the action I have something to work on with me.
  • Again, we can change our train of thought again and again without ill effect
• Always have things to think about when trapped in quiet situations
  • I do my best computer programming while listening to a sermon.
  • I do listen to the sermon
  • But programming keeps me from becoming frantic

Getting to know their home life

If it is important to know their home life how do you get to know it?

• Periodically meet with parents
• Have gatherings of parents or of their age group
• Meet with youth individually and ask how things are going, including school and home
• When a youth says something that seems revealing don't guess, ask them what they mean

Being an ADD/ADHD youth worker #14: Use our powers of observation

We may be clueless, but we don't miss much. We are observant. Use these observations – what other people call distractions.

• Notice things that other people overlook.
• Report things that are broken
• Notice who's where
• Keep track of complicated situations
• It may take some practice and a change of thinking to not just notice things but to make use of these observations.

Being an ADD/ADHD youth worker #13: Do things that are exhausting

Work out as much of the excess energy as possible throughout the day.

• Jog or run every morning at 5am. You will be able to focus for the rest of the day if he doesn't to this. (Do a hard lap swim every noon)
• If you plan in times of activity the energy won't come out in destructive ways
• Sleep when you need to and as long as you need, without trying to adhere to a “normal” schedule.
  • You may need much less sleep than other people.
  • You will have a hard time going to sleep unless you are physically exhausted

Know their home life

Not just in general “a broken home” or a “mean mother” or whatever broad and probably inaccurate characteristics. You need to know the parents and you need to know how they are interacting with their children at that moment. As we've discussed before, youth change and change on a dime. But so do the adults. “Perfect” relationships can fall apart at any moment and terrible relationships can be repaired at any moment. We cannot take things for granted. When a youth makes a comment about their parents, is it just a random comment they really don't take seriously? Is it a natural comment based on the youth's development? Is it a reflection of a single dispute that will soon pass or be resolved? Is it a common problem?

• It is important not to react immediately to anything.
• If it is repeated or come up again, it may be significant
• Explore gently with the usual “oh?” or “How bad?” or “Is this something new?” or other open ended questions that can be interpreted by the youth in whatever way they need to interpret it
• Consider what you know of the youth and of the parents to decide how much weight and slant to put on the statement
• Carefully show that you believe the youth (and do believe them, even if you think there is a context that makes it seem less than or other than what it seems on the surface).
  • Even if they lie frequently, it is dangerous to get into the habit of not believing them – the one time they are telling the truth is the one time you have to believe them
  • Discount for hyperbole and youthful drama but look for the kernel of truth
  • Believing them does not mean automatically calling 911
  • If it is an important enough issue, such as physical abuse, gently suggest that the only reasonable reaction is for the two of you to go get help. If there is panic in their eyes as they say, “no, I didn't mean that...” then you probably need to get them help. If they look, frustrated (as in “you idiot, that's not what I meant”) then you might stop and explore the subject more.

blog order

Just a reminder to those new to blogs: entries are in reverse order -- FIFO (First in/Last out), a push down stack.  In other words, the top entry is the most recent one and the one's below it are the immediately preceding entries.  Why this is important is that if you have been getting the daily feeds, the item on top may  be a part of a sequence of comments and you may need to back up to preceding entries to get the whole story.  Similarly, when you select a topic to get all the posts on the topic, again these will be presented in reverse order and you may need to scroll down to the first entry (time wise) and work up from there.

Knowing your youth is more than...

It is not just knowing obvious things such as who the troublemakers are or who has one parent or who reads poorly. It means knowing their quirks. I have many times had youth that would let loose with unnecessary negative comments: This is dumb, I don't like this group, I don't want to do this, you're mean... Some might have interpreted this comments as being a result of deep seated neurosis. Most youth workers would take the comments personally and negatively, perhaps setting up a split between the two. However, often the youth didn't mean anything by the comments. They were tired, frustrated and cranky and spoke without thought. When I would repeat what they had said, they were horrified and retracted it immediately. (My wife has had the same experience in public high school classes.)

Being an ADD/ADHD youth worker #13: Dealing with excess energy

Recognize and accept the fact that you have to be moving at all times

• Jiggling, wiggling, getting up and wandering around are necessary
• Try to make your movement not impact other people or be overly distracting to others
• Children and youth tend to poke, push, hit which can't be
• Adults keep driving others to keep up with them. They don't understand people that do not have that much energy. But this makes the other people mad
• Movement that is too obvious can be a distraction to others
• Have a series of things that to do that are not noticeable
  • flexing feet and legs under the table
  • Doodling with out paying a lot of attention to what you are doodling
  • Sit forward, sit back, sit forward, etc
  • Look for legitimate excuses to get up and move
  • Get agreement with others in the room to allow you to stand behind your chair
  • As much as possible, make the movement constructive
• Take up active hobbies to do in passive situations such as watching TV
  • Juggles (anything)
  • Play video game on phone at while watching
  • Play a musical instrument or other physical activity
  • Conduct work such as dictation on smart phone, while exercising, going places, doing things

Take resources with a grain of salt

Books, videos, blogs, yes even this one, have to give generalities or examples that have worked in specific circumstances. Their are none that work in every case (if they say they do, run away!).

• As said a couple of days ago, every group is unique
• Generalities can be helpful in understanding what is going on in a group
• Generalities can be a starting point for planning and working with a group
• But they always need to be tailored to a particular group
  • This has been a pet peeve of mine for years, most Confirmation curricula assume a particular size, education level and age level. This fits a very narrow range of churches.
  • Always ask “does this idea/lesson/description fit my kids?” “Will it work with Jamie in the group” etc

Being an ADD youth worker #12: We need to stop and calm down periodically

I once had a staff review that commented that I seemed to have two speeds -- 100 miles per hour or 0. If there's not enough stimulus, my choices are to get frantic or to go to sleep.

• But in stimulating situations I and other ADD people start winding up tighter and tighter.
• We need to plan in times to calm down and start over
• We can do this ourselves and/or have others remind us
• When we get too wound up it can drive everyone crazy, and we're more prone to making bad decisions.
• I swim every noon hour that I can. It serves two purposes
  • Draws off excess energy
  • Reboots my system
• Routine minute prayers can do this also
• A minute away from everything can do it

Each Group has a unique Character

Sometimes “good” kids will create a difficult group or a class of mostly “bad” kids (those who gave a previous Sunday School fits) can create a group that is a joy to work with. There seems to be no rhyme or reason for these variations but they are very real.

• First, we must differentiate between a groups common character and how they might be on any given meeting. All groups, and people, have good days and bad days.
• The “character” of a group is their most common nature, week in and week out.
• If we recognize the character of the class early it allows us to interact with them more effectively.
  • Maybe the group needs more structure than usual
  • Maybe the group needs more freedom
  • Maybe the group needs intellectual stimulation
  • Maybe the group needs more recreation than other classes
  • Maybe the group responds well to conversations about behavior
  • Maybe the group needs to run around the block a few times
• Do not assume that the reputation of the group applies.
  • From one year to the next they can be quite different, even though they commonly live up to (down to) their reputation.
  • Any new people in or old people out of the group can change its dynamics
• Groups tend to establish their identity and character in the first couple of meetings
  • If they or you are in a bad mood during the first meeting you all can get “off on the wrong foot” unnecessarily establishing a negative character
  • Being really positive and affirming in those early week, whether they deserve it or not, can give them a new and positive reputation to live up to.

Being an ADD/ADHD youth worker #11. Structure, routine and list making are important.

List making is one of the most common suggestions from the experts and as long as you factor in the other hints, I agree.

• This keeps us from getting so far afield that we lose track of some of the things we need to keep track of.
• For example, if I'm shopping for groceries, I'm in an environment with lots of interesting things to pay attention to. Without a list I will invariably forget things – and come home with who knows what.
• This also allows setting priorities. My lists are usually on the computer and rank-ordered so that an interesting thing lower on the list will only be visited briefly before I get back to the important stuff.

Routine also keeps us from wandering off and failing to get around to something.

• I'm in the office at 7, when there are no other distraction.
• I put on music, and then spend, in order,
• 15 minutes in a series of prayers (I can't pray for 15 minutes but I can pray for a minute at a time for 15 times...)
• 15 minutes Bible study
• 15 minutes reading
• 15 minutes research
• 15 minutes email correspondence
• This way I am sure to get all these things in

What goes on at school or the schools can affect youth group

A youth group is not independent of the school(s) represented in it.

• Like it or not, school social strata affects the group. It can be minimized and I have posts about this, but the strata will show forth from time to time regardless
• What sub-groups are represented? (Band kids, jocks, etc)
  • How well do they interact
  • Who is sensitive to their social position and who is not?
  • Who is a wannabe for a different group?
• Are there power struggles that reflect social structures at the school? (One of the reasons I don't like Youth Group Officers – this brings out competition)
• Is the support or opposition to an idea, suggestion, program, etc based on social issues rather than reason (If so-and-so is for it then whats-r-name will automatically be against it)
• School events can conflict with youth group events
• School events can affect the group beyond just scheduling conflicts, however
  • If some of your youth are cheerleaders or wannabes, cheerleader tryouts can not only be a scheduling problem, but a social problem as ill-will, hostility, superpatriatism, political and social maneuverings abound.
  • You may need to console those passed over without insulting those who made it

Being an ADD/ADHD youth worker #10: ADD people are incorrectly viewed as multi-taskers

We “multi-task” the same way as single core computers. Which is to say, not at all.

• What single core computers and people do is do task-switching.
• Most people do task-switching slowly, people with ADD task-switch rapidly and computers in an instant.
• Task-switch in this fashion makes us very efficient when we are not overloaded.
• However, as the time slices devoted to a particular task get shorter and farther between, any particular task can become too slow – like overloaded computers.
• There has to be a balance achieved for efficiency
• So we have to have a limited number of distractions at a time

School events can conflict with youth group events

You can get the school calendar(s) from the school web sites and build your schedule from these

• Don't try to have a Retreat on Homecoming weekend unless it follows the homecoming activities
• Same with other major school events
• If you accommodate the schedule of the majority school and not the minority school represented, you can, rightly, be accused of favoritism and lose a part of your group
• If many of your group are in the band, you have to know the band schedule
• Same with any other school group or club
• Note teacher days and other 3-4 day breaks. Many families takes these for trips and family activities
• Is there a school art show, talent show, musical or play that some of your group participate in? (maybe go as a group, to support them)
• You cannot accommodate every school event or activity, but if you know your kids you can know which ones will affect your program

Being an ADD/ADHD youth worker # 9: Stimulus control is important.

We all have a limited number of tracks. Too many diversions can lower our efficiency.

• We can't do just one thing, but we also can't do 14.
• So we do need a controlled environment because we are not very good at ignoring stimuli
• If there is something going on, we will notice it
• This is one of the places where we annoy other people.
  • We will give anybody our full attention for 15 minutes or until something else gets our attention – whichever comes first.
  • It is not that that person is not important, we just need to take in whatever else is going on also.
  • It takes a LOT of practice on our part to take in whatever is going on without it seeming like we've lost interest in whatever the person in front of us has to say.
  • We are listening and we do care – probably

Knowing a group's social grouping

Many years ago a youth leader commented that a youth group will always be from one school social group, and if someone from outside that group joins the youth group, they will not stay. This is hard to accept, theologically and I have given hints on overcoming this, but generally speaking this is a truism.

• There will be occasional youth that are oblivious to exclusion and stay
• There will be occasional youth who don't care about social structures and will make friends within any social group (sometimes these are called social “floaters”)
• Although it is difficult, a group can represent multiple schools but they tend to be from similar and compatible groups from the different schools
• By far the best hint for overcoming incompatible groups is for them to go on a retreat or trip together. If there are efforts to mix and match across the lines and they have enough time to just talk they can form bonds and experiences that are greater than the social incompatibilities.
• Lectures, talks and programs may be valuable in the long run, but they will not apply these to their situation. (I particularly remember a youth group program where the youth insisted that their school had no racism and there was no division or discrimination against the Koreans. Then, once the program was over and they were chatting among themselves I heard many harsh statements against the “Korean Posse.”)

Being an ADD/ADHD youth worker #8: I have to have more than one stimulus going at all times.

This is one of those things that people without ADD really have a hard time understanding.

• My mother was always on my case about having my record player going while I studied. She could not concentrate when something else was going on, so how could I?
• What she didn't understand is that I cannot concentrate without something else going on.
• As much as I love the contents of libraries they are deadly to me.
• I simply must have 2-3 things going on at the same time.
• My ideal study habit in college and seminary was:
  • rocking vigorously in a rocking chair,
  • eating and drinking
  • listening to music
  • plowing through a stack of books – 15 minutes at a time.
  • I could go for hours like that.
  • This is basically how I write sermons...
• My nephew, who does not share my love and appreciation of music, without prompting, also said he had to have music on at all times when he was trying to concentrate.
• What do I do when I am trying to make music-- practicing guitar? TV (Crash and burn movies or sports. Something without a plot)

Knowing the Youth's Culture

The more you know about the world your youth are living in the better you can be sensitive to their situation, needs, concerns, pressures. Don't assume that their culture is even remotely like your High School years or like the descriptions in books and magazine. Different locales can be radically different environments. Here are questions to review continually (These are taken from a set articles I wrote Strategy Magazine, 1974, Geneva Press, Vol. 5: No 3 through Vol 6 No 2):

• What are the current "hit" songs? (Not your favorite but your kids' favorites)
• What are the current fads?
• What are the latest fashion trends?
• How are the school athletic teams doing?
• Who are the popular kids in school?
• What is the current slang, particularly the terms for:
  -the inept
  -the dropouts
  -the unpopular
  -those who are unaware of current youth etiquette
  -the school leaders
  -the various body parts and functions

• What is the general attitude toward religion?
• What is the general attitude toward the church?
• What are the current ways of expressing rebellion against adult society?
• Where are the youths' "hangouts" and which groups hang out at which places?
• What forms of recreation and entertainment are available and which are utilized by youth?
• What are the accepted forms of gaining recognition? (Accepted by the youth, not necessarily by Adults)
• What is the school social Structure?
• What are the values of the social structure?

Being an ADD/ADHD youth worker #7: “Hyper focus”

This is an ADD characteristic where we sometimes become so focused and intense that we shut everything else out for a significant length of time. It is not that we have suddenly learned how to concentrate, the situation is that we are involved in something that ties up all 10 of our tracks.

• Video Games are a good example. There is enough going that we become fully occupied and there is no room for distraction.
• For me it is when I'm doing computer programming and have to simultaneously keep track of everything from global logic down the syntax of a particular command.
• Normal stuff like studying for a math quiz doesn't do it for us.

Being a Guarantor

One of the greatest assets you have for your kids is that you are “over the hill.” They want and need someone they can trust who sees what is on the other side – what is coming at them. The youth recognize, even if they are resistant, that they will someday grow up. So they start to look for adults who they can pattern themselves after – a guarantor. So a youth-like leader may be more fun, but it is the adult-like leader (they can be the same person) whom they most need and model themselves after. So, be fun and youthful, but be mature. Show them that adulthood can be all right.

Being an ADD/ADHD youth worker #6: have more than one stimulus going at all times.

This is one of those things that people without ADD really have a hard time understanding. My mother was always on my case about having my record player going while I studied. She could not concentrate when something else was going on, so how could I? What she didn't understand is that I cannot concentrate without something else going on.

• As much as I love the contents of libraries they are deadly to me.
  • I simply must have 2-3 things going on at the same time.
  • My ideal study habit in college and seminary was:
  • rocking vigorously in a rocking chair,
  • eating and drinking
  • listening to music
  • plowing through a stack of books – 15 minutes at a time.
  • I could go for hours like that.
• This is basically how I write sermons...
• My nephew, who does not share my love and appreciation of music, without prompting, also said he had to have music on at all times when he was trying to concentrate.
• What do I do when I am trying to make music-- practicing guitar? TV (Crash and burn movies or sports. Something without a plot)

Work groups, such as on mission trips

It is common practice to divide groups into smaller work groups that mix and match the kids, breaking up family and clique groupings.

• It may be possible to mix and match in several combinations: pre-trip work groups (publicity, fund raising, etc), work site groups, non-worksite groups (cleanup, meals, worship, etc).
  
• Some groups can self-divide in a somewhat equitable fashion if they know the rules (no family members together, no best friends together, a good balance of numbers and genders. Threaten to manually redivide if they don't get it right.
  
• On a trip one team can be “Community Life” that determines what the group will do in the evening. If someone (this can be a pre-trip subcommittee) has researched before the trip what the possibilities are, determined financial limitations and other factors, they can make good recommendations.
  

Being Oneself #5: Playing the guitar?

To be successful in using a guitar and group singing in a youth program you actually need to be good at it. If you are not, recruit someone who is. Music is not a technique or tool of youth work but a part of one's life style.

Being an ADD/ADHD youth worker #5: Plan on changing activities regularly

Hint # 1: I finally learned and became resigned to the fact that I simply needed to change subjects every 15 minutes.

• I could study for hours (assuming a few other adjustments to be mentioned later) as long as I kept changing what I did every 15 minutes or so
• Hint #2: I found that did not lose my train of thought, unlike people that can only deal with one thing at a time and aren't able to be interrupted
  
• Hint #3: I do better keeping several books, projects, tasks going than if I try to do anything straight through.
  

Being Oneself #4: Trying to be in on their secrets, etc

It can be entertaining and exciting to be in on the youths secrets, intrigues, games and romances. However, it is important not to be involved, participate or even give the appearances that you know of them.

• It is good and helpful to be aware of these things, in case there are repercussions or consequences they are not able to control
• But unless they invite you into their lives, they will probably resent your intrusion.
• They need the freedom to learn through these experiences.
• They may be old hat to you, but they are new to the youth.
• If one of them confides in you, information regarding other youths is irrelevant and cannot affect your relationship with the other youths
• Manipulative youth may try to get you to become an unwitting agent for them and their intrigue. You cannot know enough about a situation to properly get involved.
• In a van or in a youth room they may say things like you aren't there. If they weren't addressing you whatever they say may be filed in your head, but do not act on it.

Being Oneself #3: Musical tastes

You need to know their music, but you don't have to like it. You don't have to judge it either. As expressed in other posts you can help them critique specific lyrics, but there is no “bad” musical styles only bad examples of each musical style. If it isn't your style, fine. It doesn't need to be, you just need to be tolerant. And help them be tolerant of your tastes, without expecting them to embrace it.

Being an ADD/ADHD youth worker #4: Medication

• No matter what I say here it will make half the audience mad
• My experience is that a few, but very few, do need to be medicated
• Always do a double blind test to make sure it is, in reality, doing something worthwhile
• Only use to take the edge off of extreme cases
• They do not need to be drugged into submission
• “Normal” is not the goal. They only need to be calm enough to function and to take advantage of their condition.

luggage on trips

Often luggage space on a trip is a problem. I won't get into the incredible things some youth bring along... It is fair to restrict the amount of luggage they bring. However, this must, of course been done in advance. I have long ago abandoned trying to give detailed “what to bring” lists, focusing only on unusual or absolutely essential items. However, you can list luggage counts or dimensions.

Being Oneself #2: Don't try to “snow” them

Too often, the charismatic leader is considered to be the ideal leader. Those of us who are not charismatic may try to mimic them with flash and enthusiasm. Introverted and low-key people have been proven to be very effective youth leaders, even if they don't get as much press.

• Introverted or low-key people can, when needed, learn to turn things up, getting louder and more energetic
• Just don't try to be someone you aren't

Being an ADD/ADHD youth worker #3: Growing up ADD

By the time I was in HS I realized that I was different from other kids – even different from my sister, who could study for hours on end and practice the piano non-stop for an hour at a time. So many of my peers could pick an interest and stay with it, ignoring all the other REALLY INTERESTING things that got my attention, however briefly. I realized that I was becoming a Jack of all trades and master of none. That frustrated me to no end. I struggled mightily with this, trying to stay focused, trying to study for longer periods of time. For decades, I told myself that I could learn, over time, through practice, to stay focused on a subject for longer periods.
My basic attention span is about 15 minutes. I would try to boost this to ½ hour. Again and again I would try. No luck. Again and again I studied for about 15 minutes and then spend about 15 minutes trying to focus. What I finally learned is: You don't “overcome” being ADD. It is like being left-handed. So

• People kept trying to make southpaws righties, but it never worked
• You can't “cure” people of being ADD
• and I don't know why you would want to
• There is some real value to this condition, as I'll explain later
• So it is a matter of the person with ADD learning how to cope in a world that doesn't understand them – like a left-handed person learning to cope with a right handed world
• And those that have to live with an ADD person learning to cope with and tolerate their characteristics

Being Oneself #1: “Youth talk”

“In” language is neither universal nor timeless.

• Youth deliberately try to have a unique vocabulary specifically to exclude “clueless” older people. Grant them this illusion.
• Don't be clueless. Learn the current vocabulary, just don't use it yourself unless adults your age adopt the language (at which point it will change)
• Besides, you'll usually be a week or two behind them :)

Being an ADD/ADHD youth worker #2: A different definition

 Right off the bat I want to say that being ADD isn't the worst thing in the world. My father, an international corporation CEO, who was clearly ADHD and a nephew, a lawyer, who is clearly ADHD and I (only ADD), a minister, have done quite well, not only coping with our condition but making the most of it.

• I do not consider being ADD either being a “deficit” nor a “disorder”
• In fact, I feel that those people who only pay attention to one thing at a time have the attention deficit. If anything I have attention surfeit: I pay attention to way too many things – simultaneously. ADD people have a lot of attention.
• ADD is a condition, not a disorder. It is like being left-handed. It is also a continuum, with some being more ADD and others less so.
• ADD is a special condition which I consider to be a blessing although it sure can be annoying from time to time. But me and my nephew are grateful to my father for passing this on to us, genetically.

Bottom line, let's learn to accept ADD/ADHD and rather than trying to “Cure them” let's help them/us make good use of their special gift and minimize the down sides.

Being oneself: Introduction

This is related to leadership style and will be a reiteration of some previous posts, but I'll try to pull together my thoughts about how to relate to the youth as an authentic adult. I may be overreacting to this but I remember so vividly a youth worker from my youthhood (that's a long time ago) who tried so hard to be one of us that it was downright embarrassing. I've had that image in the back of my head throughout my ministry.

• That person meant well
• But wasn't a good role model – someone we wanted to be when we grew up
• Besides, who wants to be a kid their whole life

Spending money on trips

Since it is my policy that all “required” expenses, food, lodging, entertainment entrance fees, etc are paid by the group I point out in advance that all expenses are paid. A youth can go on the trip without any money and not miss a thing. How we fund the trip differs from trip to trip: fees, fund-raising, whatever. This allows quietly giving scholarships (“stipends” as I called them because that hasn't the negative connotations “scholarships” has) on the sly without anyone being the wiser.
However, I also will mention if there will be opportunities to spend money (there may be shopping available).
I avoid entirely discussion about how much spending money a kid should bring. That is way too dependent on the individual circumstances of youth and their families.

Being an ADD/ADHD youth worker #1: Introduction

Of course they didn't know there was such a thing as “ADD” when I was I kid. But I was the kid with ant in his pants and a short attention span. Much later, when reading the list of attributes of people with ADD I realized that they almost all applied to me. People often don't think in terms of adults having ADD but they have noticed how restless I am. The final stroke for my recognizing who I am was in a youth group meeting when a Sixth Grade Middle Schooler turned to me and commented: “Boy, you do have a short attention span.”

So in this series of posts I will be relaying my thoughts, research and personal experience about the advantages of being an ADD or ADHD youth worker.

• As I tell my story, I will be relating what I learned, instinctively, about coping with the down sides and, eventually, what I learned about using it to my advantage.
  
• Now, what I have to say may not always be politically correct or in keeping with current thinking or recommendations by the medical folk...
  
• But it is an expression of what I've experienced in my own life and observed in so many children and youth, diagnosed and undiagnosed.

Posters and other "inspirational" wall decorations in a youth room.

Posters are great but need to be changed regularly as in at least monthly.

Establishing a leadership style #4: Using Prepackaged programs or detailed “successful” models

No model works in every situation. In fact, the case can be made that a model or cook-book youth program only works in the original situation. However, some of these have good ideas and can open us to other possibilities. They are worth reading and drawing from even if it has to be modified to fit a particular setting.

• Don't believe the hype – there is no perfect program or approach.
• Work from the assumption that what you are reading/hearing about/being taught will not work, as is, in your situation.
• Read the material with an open mind:
  • What can be extracted from it that will work?
  • What ideas or approaches challenge you to think differently?
  • Picture what it would be like to implement at least part of the program
• For anything you decide to adopt, consider:
  • What will not work well for your kids, church, you?
  • What needs to be tweaked or adjusted?

Get Acquainted game: If you've ever/never

This is a broadly used game and I don't want to take the time to go over the details here, but basically the “it” is in the middle of the circle with everyone in a chair but no chairs left over. “It” makes a statement that is true for them (or untrue for them – different regions play the game positively or negatively. It is important to know which variant is being played). Then, everyone for whom the statement is true must change chairs with someone else. This can be quite chaotic, but fun (except for the time one of my kids broke her arm vying for a chair.) “It” tries to take one of the chairs that are temporarily vacated. Many groups have a rule that anyone moving must move more than one (or two) chairs over, which prevents two people just swapping chairs, preventing “it” from having a fair chance at their chair.
The main idea I have to offer is to forbid referencing clothing items. State this before the game starts. It is true that this eliminates some possibly embarrassing items, but the main reason for excluding clothing is that you don't learn enough about the kids. You can see what they wear, but which ones play soccer trumpet or go skiing or....

Establishing a leadership style #3: How to avoid being artificial

We are told to “be ourselves,” that kids have a BS detector and will know when we are faking it, so on and so-forth, then the same people tell us how we are to be... How do we change ourselves without being false and a poser? Modify yourself through practice:

• Pick one characteristic that needs to be changed: Let's use inappropriate sarcasm as an example.
• Recognize that such a characteristic is deep set – you've been sarcastic your entire life, therefore you will not change overnight. Be patient and non-self-judgmental.
• Each time you let loose with a sarc comment, pinch yourself to remind yourself that you're not doing that anymore, then give a better more appropriate comment.
• Keep practicing. Eventually it will become a new second nature.
• Remind yourself that the kids are worth the effort.

Erroneous Risk Assessment and Mitigation #4:Myth or urban legend

At one of my churches, word was spread about a child being snatched from a Church Nursery. All of a sudden I had parents demanding all kinds of changes for our nursery and families stopped bringing their children. I called the State Highway Patrol and asked about the story. No story, it never happened. Indeed only 50 “abductions” occurred that year, which is less than one per county, and most of the incidents occurred in one of two counties, neither of them the church's. Almost all of the incidents were from a non-custodian parent or grandparent grabbing their own child. So I set a new nursery policy tightening up sign-in/sign-out procedures. I then sent a letter to the families, explaining the facts and what the changes were. Problem solved.

• Try to trace the source of a concern. Google it, call an authority, check Snopes.com
• Is the situation rational?
• Would it have made the newspapers if it actually happened?
• Is the data specific? “I have heard” or “Over in [town name] such and such happened” isn't enough
• Again, apply the rules of risk assessment: is the problem likely enough that you should take it into consideration

Establishing a leadership style #2: Adjusting your personality

The first step is to recognize what needs to be changed. They methods for this are:

• Introspection. This is hard because we might not be very introspective by nature. As adults we're comfortable with how we are so when we look at ourselves we see no problem.
• Observing feed-back. Something isn't working, and we seem to be the problem.
• Asking for feed-back. Formally such as a questionnaire, or informally through “how am I doing? What could I do to improve?” asked of a few persceptive parents and youth.
• A support group such as an area group of youth ministers where you can talk freely and you'll get honest expressions.
• Formal counseling

Until the youth realize that you are serious about giving them responsibility

When new with a group, whether you're new or they are new to the program, there may be an assumption that they can volunteer to be in charge of a program, or the group can choose to do a project and then have the adults run it behind the scenes. It takes patience, perseverance and gray hair on your part to overcome this condition and help them discover that they can do things themselves – and you expect them to do so.

• Symptoms that they don't believe you'll let them sink or swim:
  • Procrastination: Waiting you out until you intervene.
  • Hostility: impatiently waiting for you to get on the stick and make decisions.
  • Restlessness: ready to take orders and wondering why they aren't getting any
  • Testing: Suggesting extreme or bad ideas just to see when you'll overrule them.
• You may want to start with projects that are not very public and will not reflect badly on you or them if it is less than great
• They really won't believe you mean it until you prove them wrong
• Be calm but adamant and if they propose a bad idea, rather than veto it ask them how they are going to implement it.
• Be cheerful about not stepping in. Express confidence that they'll do a good job.
• Hang in there, after a couple of close calls they'll get the idea.
• Give them public credit afterward – tell people that the youth did it themselves. That you did not ghost write it for them, etc.

Erroneous Risk Assessment and Mitigation #3: All or nothing.

Rarely is a situation strictly all or nothing, but is both a matter of probabilities and possible fixes. I once had a group of Trustees take away the church 15 passenger van because they saw a “60 Minutes” show “Dangerous at any speed” This was supposedly based on a NTSB study. None of the Trustees had read that report or even interested in doing so: Vans can be dangerous, therefore we do not use vans. The report actually said that SUVs were more likely to roll over than vans. The primary cause of vans rolling over was improperly inflated tires. Well that is certainly easy enough to fix! And the danger in a van that is rolling over is that an unbelted passenger can be thrown out and crushed. 80% of those who died in van accidents were not belted; 92% of those wearing belts in van accidents survived. Again, this is easy enough to fix! (I would give this statistic to my young passengers and all through the van you would hear “click.”) Because of the all or nothing approach, we had to stop using that van and pay a huge amount of money for a different type of 15 Passenger van. One that was probably at least as dangerous – but there wasn't a “60 Minutes” show on it.

• Can the danger be mitigated?
• Can a simple change reduce the risk to acceptable levels?

Get acquainted game: "Kent Guitar"

This is an old standard game, but in my group it came to be known as “Kent Guitar” because I always started the game with “Kent, Guitar.” We had two variations. Describing it in a minimal way:

1. “Mean Kent, Guitar”: first person give name and a characteristic, second person names the first person and characteristic and their own, eventually last person has to name everyone and their characteristic.
   
2. “Nice Kent, Guitar”: a sliding window where a person only has to name the 4 people to their right.
   

Moratorium #3: How to allow for it

The youth themselves need to have the ability to opt out of things when the stress gets to high for them.

• When lining up people to do a project or responsibility, use volunteers
  • Publicly asking someone to do it, or worse, holding an election or accepting nominations is to risk having the wrong person be selected.
  • If no one volunteers, this may be a sign that the project or responsibility is not one that the youth should be undertaking
  • If the same people always volunteer, it is ok to say out loud “xxx is already doing a lot, how about someone else stepping up.”
• If no one volunteers, but you are confident it is doable and worth doing, wait until after the meeting and approach a good candidate, and ask them to consider it. If they look panicked or angry, back off.
• Sometimes the youth enters a need for moratorium after they are already committed. If you are aware that this is happening, approach them and ask if you can “help out” a bit. Do what you can to relieve the stress without the public being aware of it.

Your predecessor left you with a mess

Sometimes a well intentioned leader can have a program that is diametrically opposed to your philosophy of youth ministry – or even opposed to good sense. Changes are not only in order but necessary, as soon as possible.

• Again, you gain nothing by attacking your predecessor or even of the program itself.
  
• Look at the programs that are established and you will get resistance to if you change them too soon. One group I inherited was big on initiations and other humiliation “games” which I find offensive. But I didn't come in and self-righteously declare them bad. Over time, we just “forget” to do them and replaced them with better games.
• If you can invoke “health and safety” or other objective concerns, this helps. I retired “Fuzzy Bunnies” by saying how funny and disgusting the game was, but I had discovered that their was a real choking hazard.
• Make replacement programs better and more fun than what is being replaced
• Be sympathetic when people say “But we've never done it that way before.” Then wait it out.
• Give a positive, Biblical, theological reason for what you want to do. Again, don't put down or disparage the old program, just justify the replacement program.

Establishing a leadership style: Introduction

To a certain extent we are who we are. But humans are also flexible and adaptable and can learn new ways of operating, within a range. The youth are worth the effort to modify your way of doing things. The trick is identifying what needs to change. Are you controlling and need to learn to back off? Are you hyper-emotional? Too detached? Inappropriately sarcastic? …. We want to be the best we can be, which means learning how to improve ourselves and our interactions and leadership style.

Get acquainted game: “Gunfighter”

The person in middle of the circle spins around and points to someone with right or left hand. Person pointed to has to name the person to their left or right before the person in middle can say “bang, bang, bang.” Oh, all right: the person in the middle can say “flower, flower, flower.”

Moratorium #2: Balance between moratorium and encouragement

Some youth need to be pushed beyond their present character, others need to be allowed to chill for awhile. I've had some great leaders that went on to great things after being pushed to try bigger and more important projects as a youth. I have also watched a youth crash and burn, even attempt suicide, because they weren't allowed a break in the constant pressure. Sometimes it was the smallest of additional pressure that pushed them over the edge. Some guidelines for choosing between these approaches:

• When in doubt, err on the side of backing off. Not pushing a kid to their potential is less destructive than pushing a kid to the breaking point.
• When a kid looks you in the eye and says, “I can't do it” they probably can't, go with plan B.
• When a kid timidly says, “I don't think I can do it” encourage them and stay the course.
• Remember the adage that too much pressure at too young of an age makes a person fragile rather than strong.
• Keep in mind the adage that the youth needs to be progressively given responsibility and freedom from 6^th to 12^th grade. They are closely monitored at 6^th grade and totally independent by the end of 12^th grade. Structure youth activities accordingly and give out responsibilities appropriately.

Group in a bad mood

 From time to time a group may be in a bad mood -- for whatever reason.  Additionally, when a group is having to deal with a new person (you?) they almost always get in a bad mood after a week or two.  Change is a stresser for groups.

• Do not define the group by these passing phases.  They are not a bad group because they sometimes are in a bad mood.
• Think about what may have put them in a bad mood.  Can the problem be mitigated?  Do you need to punt for one time together?  Try going out for ice cream -- a panacea for bad moods.
• At all costs, wait it out.  It should pass, although there are rare groups that are just cranky.
• Hold not grudges or remembered hurts from such times.  Grudges serve no positive purpose, and accumulate until you resent everyone...

Your predecessor did a good job

Even if you get tired of hearing about him/her, always complement them for anything they did right. It doesn't hurt you at all if people continues to think highly of them (after all, you have the job now, they don't). Build on and, possibly, over time, away from, their program.

Moratorium: When a youth needs to catch a break

Periodically, usually just before a developmental step, a youth needs less stress and some time to contemplate life. This can be quite important for a youth's development and health. I'll comment on how to deal with kids who need a moratorium later.

• These are somewhat unpredictable, since they typically begin before the obvious parts of a developmental step (e.g. when they grow a foot, or other physiological phenomenon)
• Different youth, of course, react differently so recognizing the need for a moratorium may not be easy.
• A sudden change in personality (that is not a result of drug use) can be a sign.
• Apathy is a particularly good sign of their need to go internal.
• They may try to withdraw or drop out.
• Some youth will get strung out and tense or become frantic whenever they have any pressure put on them. (Some youth are that way always, but that is a different situation.)
• They often will become negative and self-deprecating, even antagonistic.
• Negative traits that are either uncharacteristic or suddenly and unusually strong may be signs of internal pressures.
• Currently, parents, school and other cultural situations do not recognize and allow for moratoria. Whereas older generations were allowed to retire to their rooms, listen to loud music for hours on end, modern youth are sent for counseling and are bombarded with text messages and facebook posts that don't allow the level of introspection that is needed.

Introducing a new song to a group

A contradictory pair of suggestions:

• If a group doesn't relate to a song, don't do it.
  
• However, some songs grow on a group and once they've sung it enough times it becomes “We've always done it” and then they'll keep it. Make sure such songs are worth the struggle.
  

Staff intersections

We often associate overlaps between staff members and between departments as areas of conflict and turn wars.  Instead turn them into opportunities for ministry.  

• Identify points of intersection between staff members' work, and consciously find ways of making these intersections joint projects rather than points of competition.
• Participate in their special activities -- for example, I enjoyed working in the Music departments "Choir School" which also gave me opportunities to interact with children I might not of reached otherwise.
• Keep others informed if your program is going to impact theirs.
• Deliberately have some joint projects such as a youth musical or a parent/youth seminar

Your predecessor was run out of town on a rail

Avoid the temptation to agree that he/she was a jerk – no matter how jerky they were. There is not value in running them down and you don't want to encourage negative thinking – you might be next.

• If they did something bad, agree that it was bad thing to do
• If what they did/said/were is subjective, let let it go without comment
• “Ok” “what do you know” and “um” are good responses to attacks on the person
• Better is: “that was then, this is now. We don't have to worry about that now

Robin Williams

His death may have more effect on college age and above, but he was an icon for everyone of any age.  Some hints in dealing with it:

• First deal with your own feelings so that you do not project them on your youth
• Find out what their reactions are.  Poll a few to see if you need to have a special meeting
• Make sure they have not had to discuss it in school, at home and everywhere else so that they are done with it
• Let people vent first and foremost
• Point out that he was a good Episcopalian and a believer (a little Googling and you could put together a program of his religious expressions)
• Even if you do not have to spend a lot of time grieving with your group this is still an important opportunity to explore the issues of mental illness and/or suicide

Experience is the best teacher #5: When they've “learned” a hard lesson on their own

In such a situation it is helpful to “debrief” but let them approach you not the other way around – you may spook them and lose the opportunity to help them in the future. If they do approach you and want to talk about it, do more listening than instructing. No lecturing. It is common to want all the details, but you probably don't need to know the details. Focus on what they felt, how they feel now, how has it changed them.

Youth will experiment with their personalities: A Story

A “perfect child” who always did everything expected her, a church officer and an outstanding student, did something unexpected: At an all-church picnic, she was standing by the bathrooms when a Matriarch of the congregation came up to her and asked where the Woman's restroom was. The youth opened the door of the Men's room, and when the woman went in fled – both in terror for having done something impulsive like that and in joy for having once done something outside her character. I teased her about this event, but there were no negative repercussions and she both matured and went back to her old self. Within a year she had completely erased the event from her memory – it “wasn't her” and therefore it never happened.

Your predecessor walked on water

It is always hard to follow a charismatic and popular leader. We generally expect the successor to be a “sacrificial lamb” that won't stay long. If they did their job well they will have prepared their group for a successor and made the transition as easy as possible, and then disappeared, resisting the temptation to interfere. That doesn't always happen.

• The suggestions in the introductory post on the subject apply in Spades, in this case.
• I want to emphasize the importance of acknowledging “what a wonderful person he/she” was. And “I'm sure, that if he/she were here they would want you to support me and help keep the program going strong.”
• Make changes carefully and quietly

Your Predecessor: Overview

I've given many posts for how to make it easier for your successor to follow you, but what about the person(s) you are following?

• Give them the benefit of the doubt. They probably were faithful, they probably were well intentioned, they probably cared for the kids, they probably had a good and workable program. That they didn't do things just like you goes without saying – so don't say it.
• In most cases, publicly honor them and their program.
• Criticizing them or their program only hurts you. Offer alternatives instead.
• Recognize that there will be people that dislike you simply because you are not them. You may need to say out loud – “It's not my fault. I had nothing to do with his/her leaving or my being selected to succeed them.” Make it a fairness issue.
• Recognize the natural conservatism of adults, including High School Youth. Focus your energy in winning over the Middle Schoolers and changing the program at that level.
• Do not let “But [name] did it this way” get to you. No yelling out: “But [name] is gone, this is my group now.” Just respond with a non-committal “ok, duly noted” or “that's interesting” or “but I'm doing it this way” and then go somewhere where you can punch a wall.

Erroneous Risk Assessment and Mitigation #2: Sleight-of-hand

As we all know, the way sleight-of-hand works is that we are watching the wrong hand. Sometimes in risk management we or they are watching the wrong situation. The classic is youth sports during lightening. Everybody talks about “kids swinging metal bats.” They are not the ones in immediate danger – the bats are aluminum, a poor conductor. The person most in danger is the pitcher on the mound, or the coach on the sidelines. Again, as per post #1, lightening deaths at a little league game is slim, but it is easy to make it 0 – and who likes playing ball in a downpour – but it is a matter of getting everyone off the field and into a grounded or insulated space. Because lightening was not understood, one league insisted that the players get into the dugouts, which, usually were chain link enclosures! The rule increased, rather than reduced the danger to the kids.

• Consider where the danger, if any, actually is. Focus on that.