Be a Moral Guarantor for your youth

Like it or not your youth will look to you for moral guidance. You cannot, like the celebrities, try to pretend that your actions and life are not anyone's business and you have no intention of being a “role model.” Not only are you (and they) role models, you have signed on for that job! So the youth around you are watching, mostly unconsciously, your every move trying to learn what it means to be a “Christian adult.” (remember the anti-smoking ads?) So, what are you teaching them?

• Periodically we need to stop and look at our actions and interactions to make sure we are teaching them what we intend to teach them
• If we see behaviors in the youth that bother us, we need to first look at ourselves to make sure we haven't taught them that.
• When teaching a lesson or preaching, we need to see how much if applies to our own lives.
• If the concern is a difficult one (“I need to be less sarcastic”) at least admit that it is a problem that you are trying to overcome. This, in itself is an important lesson for them to learn.
• Never make excuses when you slip up.
• As I have said in other posts, we may have to adhere to a code that we do not consider necessary – specially for an adult, but if it is something we don't want to our youth to emulate, we may have adhere to it – for their sake.

Know their home life

Not just in general “a broken home” or a “mean mother” or whatever broad and probably inaccurate characteristics. You need to know the parents and you need to know how they are interacting with their children at that moment. As we've discussed before, youth change and change on a dime. But so do the adults. “Perfect” relationships can fall apart at any moment and terrible relationships can be repaired at any moment. We cannot take things for granted. When a youth makes a comment about their parents, is it just a random comment they really don't take seriously? Is it a natural comment based on the youth's development? Is it a reflection of a single dispute that will soon pass or be resolved? Is it a common problem?

• It is important not to react immediately to anything.
• If it is repeated or come up again, it may be significant
• Explore gently with the usual “oh?” or “How bad?” or “Is this something new?” or other open ended questions that can be interpreted by the youth in whatever way they need to interpret it
• Consider what you know of the youth and of the parents to decide how much weight and slant to put on the statement
• Carefully show that you believe the youth (and do believe them, even if you think there is a context that makes it seem less than or other than what it seems on the surface).
  • Even if they lie frequently, it is dangerous to get into the habit of not believing them – the one time they are telling the truth is the one time you have to believe them
  • Discount for hyperbole and youthful drama but look for the kernel of truth
  • Believing them does not mean automatically calling 911
  • If it is an important enough issue, such as physical abuse, gently suggest that the only reasonable reaction is for the two of you to go get help. If there is panic in their eyes as they say, “no, I didn't mean that...” then you probably need to get them help. If they look, frustrated (as in “you idiot, that's not what I meant”) then you might stop and explore the subject more.

Knowing your youth is more than...

It is not just knowing obvious things such as who the troublemakers are or who has one parent or who reads poorly. It means knowing their quirks. I have many times had youth that would let loose with unnecessary negative comments: This is dumb, I don't like this group, I don't want to do this, you're mean... Some might have interpreted this comments as being a result of deep seated neurosis. Most youth workers would take the comments personally and negatively, perhaps setting up a split between the two. However, often the youth didn't mean anything by the comments. They were tired, frustrated and cranky and spoke without thought. When I would repeat what they had said, they were horrified and retracted it immediately. (My wife has had the same experience in public high school classes.)

Each Group has a unique Character

Sometimes “good” kids will create a difficult group or a class of mostly “bad” kids (those who gave a previous Sunday School fits) can create a group that is a joy to work with. There seems to be no rhyme or reason for these variations but they are very real.

• First, we must differentiate between a groups common character and how they might be on any given meeting. All groups, and people, have good days and bad days.
• The “character” of a group is their most common nature, week in and week out.
• If we recognize the character of the class early it allows us to interact with them more effectively.
  • Maybe the group needs more structure than usual
  • Maybe the group needs more freedom
  • Maybe the group needs intellectual stimulation
  • Maybe the group needs more recreation than other classes
  • Maybe the group responds well to conversations about behavior
  • Maybe the group needs to run around the block a few times
• Do not assume that the reputation of the group applies.
  • From one year to the next they can be quite different, even though they commonly live up to (down to) their reputation.
  • Any new people in or old people out of the group can change its dynamics
• Groups tend to establish their identity and character in the first couple of meetings
  • If they or you are in a bad mood during the first meeting you all can get “off on the wrong foot” unnecessarily establishing a negative character
  • Being really positive and affirming in those early week, whether they deserve it or not, can give them a new and positive reputation to live up to.

Knowing a group's social grouping

Many years ago a youth leader commented that a youth group will always be from one school social group, and if someone from outside that group joins the youth group, they will not stay. This is hard to accept, theologically and I have given hints on overcoming this, but generally speaking this is a truism.

• There will be occasional youth that are oblivious to exclusion and stay
• There will be occasional youth who don't care about social structures and will make friends within any social group (sometimes these are called social “floaters”)
• Although it is difficult, a group can represent multiple schools but they tend to be from similar and compatible groups from the different schools
• By far the best hint for overcoming incompatible groups is for them to go on a retreat or trip together. If there are efforts to mix and match across the lines and they have enough time to just talk they can form bonds and experiences that are greater than the social incompatibilities.
• Lectures, talks and programs may be valuable in the long run, but they will not apply these to their situation. (I particularly remember a youth group program where the youth insisted that their school had no racism and there was no division or discrimination against the Koreans. Then, once the program was over and they were chatting among themselves I heard many harsh statements against the “Korean Posse.”)

Being a Guarantor

One of the greatest assets you have for your kids is that you are “over the hill.” They want and need someone they can trust who sees what is on the other side – what is coming at them. The youth recognize, even if they are resistant, that they will someday grow up. So they start to look for adults who they can pattern themselves after – a guarantor. So a youth-like leader may be more fun, but it is the adult-like leader (they can be the same person) whom they most need and model themselves after. So, be fun and youthful, but be mature. Show them that adulthood can be all right.

Being Oneself #4: Trying to be in on their secrets, etc

It can be entertaining and exciting to be in on the youths secrets, intrigues, games and romances. However, it is important not to be involved, participate or even give the appearances that you know of them.

• It is good and helpful to be aware of these things, in case there are repercussions or consequences they are not able to control
• But unless they invite you into their lives, they will probably resent your intrusion.
• They need the freedom to learn through these experiences.
• They may be old hat to you, but they are new to the youth.
• If one of them confides in you, information regarding other youths is irrelevant and cannot affect your relationship with the other youths
• Manipulative youth may try to get you to become an unwitting agent for them and their intrigue. You cannot know enough about a situation to properly get involved.
• In a van or in a youth room they may say things like you aren't there. If they weren't addressing you whatever they say may be filed in your head, but do not act on it.

Until the youth realize that you are serious about giving them responsibility

When new with a group, whether you're new or they are new to the program, there may be an assumption that they can volunteer to be in charge of a program, or the group can choose to do a project and then have the adults run it behind the scenes. It takes patience, perseverance and gray hair on your part to overcome this condition and help them discover that they can do things themselves – and you expect them to do so.

• Symptoms that they don't believe you'll let them sink or swim:
  • Procrastination: Waiting you out until you intervene.
  • Hostility: impatiently waiting for you to get on the stick and make decisions.
  • Restlessness: ready to take orders and wondering why they aren't getting any
  • Testing: Suggesting extreme or bad ideas just to see when you'll overrule them.
• You may want to start with projects that are not very public and will not reflect badly on you or them if it is less than great
• They really won't believe you mean it until you prove them wrong
• Be calm but adamant and if they propose a bad idea, rather than veto it ask them how they are going to implement it.
• Be cheerful about not stepping in. Express confidence that they'll do a good job.
• Hang in there, after a couple of close calls they'll get the idea.
• Give them public credit afterward – tell people that the youth did it themselves. That you did not ghost write it for them, etc.

Moratorium #3: How to allow for it

The youth themselves need to have the ability to opt out of things when the stress gets to high for them.

• When lining up people to do a project or responsibility, use volunteers
  • Publicly asking someone to do it, or worse, holding an election or accepting nominations is to risk having the wrong person be selected.
  • If no one volunteers, this may be a sign that the project or responsibility is not one that the youth should be undertaking
  • If the same people always volunteer, it is ok to say out loud “xxx is already doing a lot, how about someone else stepping up.”
• If no one volunteers, but you are confident it is doable and worth doing, wait until after the meeting and approach a good candidate, and ask them to consider it. If they look panicked or angry, back off.
• Sometimes the youth enters a need for moratorium after they are already committed. If you are aware that this is happening, approach them and ask if you can “help out” a bit. Do what you can to relieve the stress without the public being aware of it.

Moratorium #2: Balance between moratorium and encouragement

Some youth need to be pushed beyond their present character, others need to be allowed to chill for awhile. I've had some great leaders that went on to great things after being pushed to try bigger and more important projects as a youth. I have also watched a youth crash and burn, even attempt suicide, because they weren't allowed a break in the constant pressure. Sometimes it was the smallest of additional pressure that pushed them over the edge. Some guidelines for choosing between these approaches:

• When in doubt, err on the side of backing off. Not pushing a kid to their potential is less destructive than pushing a kid to the breaking point.
• When a kid looks you in the eye and says, “I can't do it” they probably can't, go with plan B.
• When a kid timidly says, “I don't think I can do it” encourage them and stay the course.
• Remember the adage that too much pressure at too young of an age makes a person fragile rather than strong.
• Keep in mind the adage that the youth needs to be progressively given responsibility and freedom from 6^th to 12^th grade. They are closely monitored at 6^th grade and totally independent by the end of 12^th grade. Structure youth activities accordingly and give out responsibilities appropriately.

Group in a bad mood

 From time to time a group may be in a bad mood -- for whatever reason.  Additionally, when a group is having to deal with a new person (you?) they almost always get in a bad mood after a week or two.  Change is a stresser for groups.

• Do not define the group by these passing phases.  They are not a bad group because they sometimes are in a bad mood.
• Think about what may have put them in a bad mood.  Can the problem be mitigated?  Do you need to punt for one time together?  Try going out for ice cream -- a panacea for bad moods.
• At all costs, wait it out.  It should pass, although there are rare groups that are just cranky.
• Hold not grudges or remembered hurts from such times.  Grudges serve no positive purpose, and accumulate until you resent everyone...

Introducing a new song to a group

A contradictory pair of suggestions:

• If a group doesn't relate to a song, don't do it.
  
• However, some songs grow on a group and once they've sung it enough times it becomes “We've always done it” and then they'll keep it. Make sure such songs are worth the struggle.
  

Experience is the best teacher #5: When they've “learned” a hard lesson on their own

In such a situation it is helpful to “debrief” but let them approach you not the other way around – you may spook them and lose the opportunity to help them in the future. If they do approach you and want to talk about it, do more listening than instructing. No lecturing. It is common to want all the details, but you probably don't need to know the details. Focus on what they felt, how they feel now, how has it changed them.

WNDITWB, an example

One of the clearest examples for me of High Schoolers not wanting things changed was a regular youth trip one of my churches took. They had a tradition of staying at a place that I was appalled at: the people were hostile to our group; they were uncooperative; promised meals and then didn't actually have them so we had to go out for each breakfast and supper and make our own lunch bags; there was no meeting room; no place to hang out together; and no recreation facilities at all – we even got in trouble for breaking out a Frisbee! After a couple of years of this I searched out and found a church campgrounds that would accommodate us. It had: two good meals each day and made our sack lunches; a large meeting room; a swimming pool and a variety of other recreational facilities and no hassle. And it saved us thousands of dollars. When we got there all I got was gripes and complaints and nostalgia for the other place!!!! Well, we survived. No complaints the next time.

High School aged WNDITWB

High School youth can be pretty set in their ways. One of the dilemmas of working with High School youth is that they are always looking for adventure and get bored with same old/same old, however, if you change anything or try to substitute, they raise a ruckus. Things to try:

• Keep almost everything the same but change just one thing at a time. For example, sing all their favorite songs, but introduce one new song each time. Have the Mission Trip to the same location but vary what project they work on.
• Keep old programs in place but introduce a new program in addition.
• I used to tease my youth regularly about “We've never done it that way before [WNDITWB].” They got the point and when they would start to set their heels, I could give them a smile and say “We've never...” and they would smile back and acknowledge the need to try it before condemning it.

Jealous parents?

Keep in mind yourself and help parents understand that kids can love you in addition to, not instead of, their parents. You are not in competition for their affections.

Experience is the best teacher #2: You have to actually let them experience it

Again and again I see parents, youth leaders and other adults jumping in to bail a youth out or to “do it right before the youth messes it up.” On the one hand they never learn to be responsible if they are never expected to be responsible. On the other hand, they cannot learn something without do it.

• You or other adults can't do it for them or bail them out for something less that disastrous.
• If they are ever going to learn how to do something they actually have to do it, not watch someone else do it
• Supervise, suggest, demonstrate when asked, but let them do it
• Debrief, but gently
• My rule of thumb – if the youth are not working neither should be the adults. Only when all the youth are working can an adult pitch in
• Overheard conversations. All of them wrong:
  • “You chowderhead, don't you know to measure twice and cut once? Give me that saw”
  • “I'll sweep up your mess, you go out and play with your friends”
  • “You're taking too long, let me do that”
  • “I know how shy you are so you don't have to participate in the Youth Sunday service”

Experience is the best teacher #1: theory

Youth (and all of us) learn lessons better by experiencing it rather than just by reading or being told. This is true of big formal things learned in school or little practical things like being told “the stove is hot, don't touch.” This is about more than “active learning” but about experiencing life lessons. A few guidelines and then I'll give several posts on specific issues.

• The learning may need to be in a controlled environment
• The learning needs to be explicit – they will not intuit why and what they are learning.
• Failure is a learning experience as long as it is not excessively damaging, physically or emotionally

Some youth are natural risk takers.

Some people theorize that they need the adrenaline rush, others that it is genetic. It matters not what the cause is. Try to identify such a youth as early as possible so you are prepared when you find them riding on top of the church van, or whatever. They are not necessarily bad kids even if they drive you crazy Of course this characteristic can be combined with other traits that can make them dangerous or disruptive.

• Usually they can simply dissuaded or distracted (“Jane, no”).
• You can also satisfy their needs through
  • competition
  • a challenge (who can swim to the dock and back?”)
  • exercise (Jim, how about you run around the camp 2 -3 times?”)
  • controlled risk such as a zip line
• A discussion or lecture about danger usually is not very effective
• The parents almost always know about the condition and have been dealing with it from the youth's infancy – they don't need to be told

Model age appropriate interactions

Model for all adults how to have age appropriate interactions with the youth. If everyone sees that immature behavior and attitudes are reasonable and acceptable for a Middle Schooler they may let them be children; If the see that you treat an 16 year old as an adult they may join you. In general, err on the side of expecting maturity from them and, at the same time cutting them some slack.