When a youth has confided in you...

Sometimes after a youth has confided something to you that they've not told anyone, they become fearful or may pull back from you. We cannot read their minds. Possible explanations are:

• they are afraid that you'll tell someone
  
• they are afraid that you'll think badly of them or look at them differently than before
  
• they are ashamed of “being weak” and sharing what they didn't want to share
  
• they feel so much better they don't need you anymore
  
• there is nothing wrong, they've just gotten busy with other things.
  
• Regardless of the cause, the solution is to have one normal, public interaction with them. This cannot be forced, nor can it be unwanted or unexpected by the youth. It needs to be in a normal situation or setting. They may be nervous, but if you can react to them without showing any sign that there is anything wrong or different, they will probably relax and let things get back to normal.
  

Physical contact with youth

This is an era when there are regular headlines about youth workers being arrested for sexual abuse. We cannot ignore this situation but must make allowances for the distrust and uncertainty that will be always be present. This topic is, of course, full of controversial, debatable issues and issues that need to be nuanced beyond “hints.” I n this blog I will toss out some basics and how I've dealt with some specific issues that have come up. These issues are not always clear-cut.

• A warm, public hug is an essential for youth ministry but be sure to read body language to know that it is appreciated – but not too much so.
  
• No private hugs!
  
• Similarly, pats and other forms of touch should be kept to a minimum and always done in public.
  
• (Yes, this is sad and contrary to what we know about human development, but it is where we are as a society. We cannot change this situation, but must find ways of getting along the best we can.)
  
• By the way, the term “stalking” has, at this particular time, become meaningless from over use. Youth use it anytime they get the slightest bit of unwanted attention.
  

Youth Sundays step 3 - final preparations

Final preparations

• Have a deadline of two weeks before the service to have everything in. They won't meet that deadline but it moves their procrastination up a week.
• Gather all the materials from the committees and create a sample bulletin
• Have a printed (as in computer printed) copy of everything. You will need this when someone doesn't show up.
• One week before, print and distribute the sample bulletin. Go through it with the group, item by item, making sure everything is covered. Have someone write down all the who/what/when/where information that comes up.
• Create two versions of the bulletin – the traditional one that will be distributed to the congregation and one that will be given to the participants. More on this later.
• Set a rehearsal time. You'll be lucky to find a time when everyone can show up. (every local situation is different, but I have consistently found that right after school on Friday is the most likely time to get everyone.) Notes on conducting this rehearsal will come later.
• Have the group arrive one hour before the (first?) service. Rehearsal time in the Sanctuary or worship space may have to be negotiated in advance with the music department.

discussing "depression"

While we probably are not qualified to diagnose clinical depression, it is acceptable to use the term the youth use in casual conversation, so when talking to youth (as in a youth group setting, not so much during a counseling session when other rules apply) about being “depressed”:

• “Things to keep in mind when you are down or depressed: you are not alone! God loves you even when you are being unlovable. There are others of us who also love you. Don't be miserable alone.”
  
• “No matter how miserable you are, eventually things will be better and there will be joyous days enough to offset the bad times. Think about the future and all its good possibilities.”
  
• “Things to do when you are down or depressed: Buy time on things that are pressuring you (talk to your teacher, counselor, parents, coach to negotiate a break). Get outside advice or support. 'I can solve this myself' is a deadly phrase. Eat properly and go to bed at a reasonable time, even if you don't feel like it. Force yourself to be with people and do something constructive.”
  
• “Avoid repetitive 'broken record' thoughts. Make a list of your good points and blessings. Do something nice for someone else.”
  

Guitarist?

Does one have to be a guitar player? No, not unless you are one. If you are a musician and play the guitar for the sake of making music, then play guitar, otherwise find someone else to do it. Guitarists are everywhere and love to play.

Perceptions

Differences in perceptions are an ongoing problem in life in general but especially in youth ministry.

• Perceptions by youth or parents may be negative or harmful and yet have no real basis in fact, but as far as they are concerned they are real. Simply saying they aren't true will not dissuade.
  
• I have seen a number of cartoons about the fact that no matter what your age the youth view you as old and their parents will view you as young (or, in my case, immature).
  
• It is hard to tell exactly what a person's perception of a situation is without asking. We can't read their minds. If their actions/reactions seem to not fit a situation or be an over-reaction, it may be from a misperception that can be cleared up.  Ask.

Youth Sundays, Step 2, part 2

• Divide the service into common elements: Music, Prayers, Sermon & Scriptures (including Children's sermon), mechanics.
  • Divide the group into these teams. Any method of division is ok
  • Have an adult leader work with each team
    • The leaders must have been instructed before on the theology of worship, and that they are not to to give too much leadership nor do the work for the youth. They are to trust the youth.
    • They (and you) can provide technical information.
    • They can make resources (such as song books and hymnals) available
    • They are not to veto anything. If an idea is too difficult or offensive, no youth will agree to take it on and it dies a natural death. No confrontation this way.
  • The small group can operate anyway that seems right to them – parcel out the prayers, write them as a team, work in subgroups.
  • If they need to recruit someone from the outside (church musician, sound system technician, …) they need to appoint someone to do it.
  • Depending on how much time they have to work on the service, they may need to have committee meetings outside the normal meeting time.
• It is acceptable to help them locate Bible references once they have firmly decided on the theme and how that theme is to be developed.
• Each group is to recruit people to do each item/activity under their jurisdiction. They do not necessarily have to do it themselves, but they are responsible for making it happen.
• I usually expected everyone in the group to have a speaking part, but someone can volunteer for something easy like starting a congregational response such as a creed.

Parents and Discipline problems

When do you involve parents when a child is a discipline problem?

• As much as possible, avoid taking discipline problems to parents. Parents always say that they want to know if their child gets out of line, but they really don't mean it. Maybe 20% of the parents can handle a complaint, but you can't predict beforehand which are which. Sometimes the calmest most rational parent will flip out when their child is criticized.
  
  • The parents probably already have enough problems with the child and don't need you adding to the list.
    
  • The parents feel it is your job to solve your own problems.
    
  • It is embarrassing to them and they feel like a failure, which they don't like feeling and will blame you for making them feel that way.
    
  • The “protect the cubs from harm” instinct may kick in.
    
  • Even though they may attack you for attacking their child, they probably will take the child home and inflict serious punishment upon them, which hurts your relationship with the child.
    
• If a parent is going to hear about a problem regardless (police, sibling, rumor mill) then you do need to get to them first.
  
  • Don't just report the infraction, but report: “you may hear about … but [kid's name] and I have talked and worked out a solution. Everything is under control.”
    
  • Be sympathetic and listen if they need to talk, regardless if they attack or shed tears. “You and I have the same goal...”
    

Peer pressure (yours)

All humans are subject to peer pressure. We can see it easily in the kids, but are we aware of our own? This is normal and ok as long as it is kept from adversely effecting our ministry. Do you recognize the amount and type of peer pressure you are under?

• How much do you care about how other youth workers in the area feel about you and your program? How much is compromised by wanting to impress others?
  
• Are you promoting a particular activity because it is the “in” thing among youth workers or because it is actually appropriate for your group.
  
• Do you look like every other youth worker? Clothes, hair, facial hair, shoes, …
  
• If you are with your kids in a setting where they see a group of youth workers, will they think you are just a clone or a unique person.
  
• On the other hand, having peers to talk to is important. Your situation is not unique and you can learn from other youth workers and can share frustrations and joys. Find or create a fellowship group of youth workers.

Ecclesiastical Organization (i.e. Church politics) pt 2

Ecclesiastical Organization (i.e. Church politics)
“...so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves. “(Mat 10:16 NRS)
In dealing with ruling bodies:

•  If the youth and youth program have been visible, active in the life of the church and appreciated, then it will be easier to defend them. If they have been isolated "doing their own thing" or relegated to the margins of the congregation it is harder get positive reactions by a ruling body.
  
• Develop relationships with those most likely to have contrasting needs and interests, so that things can be worked out by negotiation rather than confrontation.
  
• Be clear about what you see happening: e.g. “If this motion is passed, then the Church's ministry to the youth and therefore to their parents will be seriously compromised. Do we want to alienate this portion of our congregation? Can we afford to do that?”
  
• Always be open and transparent in all your actions and interactions. Again, "politicking" usually is counterproductive.
  
• Never threaten. Someone will be sure to call you hand. Then what?
  
• Sometimes you can just be an immovable object, pleasantly and without rancor being steadfast in defending your program and by continuing as before.
  
• Make sure you are not directly or indirectly opposing the Senior Pastor. Work with staff outside of official meetings.

 

Ecclesiastical Organization (i.e. Church politics) -- part 1

Ecclesiastical Organization (i.e. Church politics)

“...so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves. “(Mat 10:16 NRS)

• Even though church politics and maneuvering is fun, if your approach and strategy is not clearly beneficial to Christ/the Church/the youth – in that order – then don't do it. Darn.
  
• Fighting fire with fire in church politics is contrary to Paul's letters to the churches. Therefore be above-board and honest about everything, but be alert. Don't be caught off guard, have your facts and arguments all lined up ready to go, but not being preemptive, defensive or vindictive.
  
• It may seem that the church officers or a group of the church are “out to get” you or the youth program. This is probably not the case. Probably they are working on their own agenda and trying to accomplish something positive for the programs and concerns that affect them the most. The problem is that the you or the your program are in the way. At least acknowledge the legitimacy of their interest and needs. Then defend the needs and interest of the youth. Be prepared to work out a compromise.

Why parents sometimes attack us

Parents have an instinctive need to protect their cubs from threat or danger. However, since they no longer have to protect their children from Sabre Tooth Tigers, this instinct sometimes thrashes around looking for something/anything to protect the children from. This may be a teacher, a coach, … or you. This instinct can be fierce (it varies from parent to parent) and quite irrational. If a parent suddenly lays into you over some trivial matter that offended their child, just listen and then shrug it off, do any damage control possible. They can't help themselves.

Youth Sundays, Step Two, part 1

Step Two Initial planning

• A retreat or lock-in is a good way to have a relaxed, creative time for initial work
• Have a brain storming session where they generate 10-15 creative ideas for making their service unique. No idea is rejected – it just may not be selected.
  • After discussion,
  • Everyone gets 3 (or 5) votes.
  • No idea is absolutely eliminated but the top 3-5 vote getters are expected to be a part of their service
• Leave posted the ideas sheets and allow people to add to them when so inspired
• Have a brain storming session where they generate 10-15 themes.
  • (Be patient, they'll get there eventually.)
  • After they generate the list, allow people to talk in behalf of specific ideas
  • Sometimes they may combine items
  • Give everyone 3 votes and go through the list voting.
  • If there is a clear winner then proceed. Otherwise repeat the process, but with one vote.
• Post the chosen theme and keep it before them as they work on the service.

Baby-sitting

 Child care is a major source of income for many youth, especially the younger ones. 

•  Baby-sitting brokering: Have kids interested in doing baby-sitting sign up listing address, phone #, grade level, etc and what experience and training they have had, and whether they drive; then make this list available to the congregation (restrict the distribution to people related to the congregation and known to someone on staff).
  
• Offer or sponsor a baby-sitting certification class.  Girl Scouts and Red Cross often make these available.
• Hold periodic "Parent's Night Out" where the youth provide child care for all ages of children while the parents get a night out on the town (village, megalopolis, ... ) 

Copyrights and blanket licenses

Just go ahead and get a blanket copyright license for both music and videos. This eliminates the debate with yourself or others about the ethics of using copyrighted materials, or worrying about being challenged (if not caught).

• Check these on the details of Copyright law.
  http://www.presbyterianmission.org/copyright/
  http://www.cmpamusic.org
  
• http://cvli.com Video license. Be aware that not all movies are covered and some have odd restrictions. You have to look up each movie you want to use.
  
• http://www.ccli.com/Global.aspx Licenses for reproducing and performing a wide variety of music, especially Contemporary Christian. Over 300,000 songs are covered. The licenses are based on worship attendance so it is not outrageous. The also offer SongSelect, which can be tailored to suit. This provides lead sheets, lyric sheets and full blown arrangements of many of the songs covered by CCLI. Again there are some amazing gaps! Songs that you are sure must be covered ... but aren't. Be careful.
  
• Some companies use webcrawlers (“'bots”) to constantly monitor the internet looking for references to their primary “intellectual properties.” If their bot finds that you are using unlicensed materials... look out!
  

Human Sexuality discussions pt 2

More things to keep in mind when in a discussion during a Human Sexuality class:

• Make “no personal stories or questions” a part of the covenant drawn up at the beginning of the program.
  
• If they ask a personal question, even if you don't mind answering, say that it is a personal question, and that you won't ask them personal questions if they won't ask you personal question. Sometimes these personal questions intend to be the “shocking question” mentioned in the previous hint.
  
• Be careful about sharing your own personal stories. They aren't always helpful. Even if the age gap between you and the youth is not great, they assume that you grew up in an entirely different world and that your experiences do not apply to them.
  
• If the issue of “hypocrisy” comes up, such as “my parents were really wild when they were young and now they don't let me do anything,” help them understand that it may not be hypocrisy but a true desire on the part of their parents that their children have a safer, better life than they did. Does every generation have to learn things the hard way?
  
• It is hard to give too much information. If some of the material is over their head or they are not ready for it, they will just filter it out. It won't register with them until they are ready to hear. (You can teach the exact same kids the exact same material two years in a row and the second time they will learn entirely different things.)
  
• Outside of formal programs on the subject, be careful about pressing to discuss issues related to sexuality with kids. If they are not ready for the discussion it can spook them.
  
• Remember that with modern sensibilities and fears, unexpected sexual references or crude language or jokes can be taken as “sexual abuse” and could be reported, at least to their parents.

Gender specific sleeping arrangements

Letting them sleep wherever they want is generally a bad idea. But having reasonable controls and practices can get tricky. It is easier to start out with strict sleep rules and lighten up than the other way around.

• Sometimes for one particular activity sleeping all together maybe acceptable, but make sure this is known ahead of time so they can come prepared with appropriate sleeping attire.
• Plan for one person (you) to sleep in a neutral space between the sleeping areas or at least at the door of the appropriate space.

• If there is an emergency in the middle of the night you can be found and reached easily from either sleeping space (give this as a public explanation of why you are there).
  
• It is easier to keep track of kids: sneaking out, sleep-walking, having night terrors, or having to go to the bathroom (You don't have to tell the youth this reason).
  
• You are more likely to get a full night's sleep (you don't have to tell your fellow counselors this little secret).
  
• Although there is a trend toward a practice of having adults not sleep in a room with youth, this should be the policy only if people are in 2-3 person rooms. In mass sleeping situations, it is better for there to be an adult in the room or the kids will never get to sleep. Also, groups of unsupervised youth can sometimes do dumb things, even if they are “good kids.”
  
• If it is necessary to have everyone sleep in a single space have the genders on opposite sides of the room with a buffer space with someone (you) in this “no-person land.” This makes the situation more comfortable for the few youth who are particularly self-conscious and there is no particular downside to having them divided.
  

“Youth Sundays”, Theology, pt 2

• Worship is not for the leaders or the people, but to honor and adore God. This must always be foremost in our minds when we are preparing and leading in a worship service. Too many youth services are skewed in their character. This is usually a result of a tradition that was built up over time where a creative idea became cast is stone. The attitude of the congregation can also influence the service negatively. 
•  Always start with assuring the youth that it is their service and that you will support them in their efforts
  
  • You will stand behind them and resist anyone that tries to change their plans or write it for them.
  • You will not overrule them, correct them or write it for them. They only need to be able to justify what they are trying to do. (Sometimes an inappropriate “hymn” can be killed without rejecting it by asking them how it fits into their service.)
  • You will not jump in to save them. You trust them and know they can do this. However, if they goof off and produce something embarrassing, you will let them embarrass themselves. You have too much respect to save them from themselves.
  • Living up to these promises is where the gray hairs come from...

Hints for discussions in a Human Sexuality class. Part 1

Basic guidelines for leading an open and helpful discussion.

• Have the medical person bring some of the most recent statistics about social trends (sexual activity, Sexually Transmitted Infections, etc).
  
• No matter where or when, when asked a direct question, give an honest and direct answer. The answer may be “I don't know, I'll look that up” or “this is just my opinion, but my opinion is...” or “our church believes...” or “these are the facts....”
  
• When asked a direct question, only answer that question and nothing more. If they want to know more, they'll ask.
  
• Make sure you understand what is actually being asked. As the old joke goes: “What's a period” may simply be a question about punctuation.
  
• In any discussion about sex, be prepared for one of them to ask a question intended to be shocking (this almost always happens). It may not actually be shocking to you, but the point of the question is to shock and put off. The goal of such questions is to either end the discussion or to test to see whether you are as open and accepting as you say you are. Again, answer the question calmly and directly but without elaboration.
  

Surprise activities

Well executed surprise activities spice up a program and keep kids interested.

• Surprises make most youth nervous so it is usually better not to announce or publicize a surprise. However they usually like having been in on a surprise after the fact.
  
• A good surprise cannot be a surprise to the leader also. A surprise is to be well planned and not just an excuse for faking it.
  
• Surprises can be as small as suddenly deciding to go out for ice cream during youth group (having determined that the place is open and you have enough money).
  
• Spontaneity is good way to increase attendance for a group. Do a surprise activity on a low attendance night. If it is a hit, the word will get out and people will not want to miss in the future.
  

Seasonal Fund Raisers

Consider seasonal fund raisers:

• Winter: frozen home-made soups
  
• Christmas: Wreaths, Christmas package wrapping, baby-sitting service on a Saturday (for shopping), pie and cake sales
  
• Valentine's day: bake sale
  
• Superbowl or an important local televised football game: catering of sandwiches or chips and dips
  

(Add your own suggestions here as comments!)

Youth Sundays: Theology pt 1

A Theology of Youth Worship Services (“Youth Sundays”)

Worship is not for the leaders or the people, but to honor and adore God. This must always be foremost in our minds when we are preparing and leading in a worship service. Too many youth services are skewed in their character. This is usually a result of a tradition that was built up over time where a creative idea became cast is stone. The attitude of the congregation can also influence the service negatively.

All that I am suggesting to do may seem overly complex and detailed, but if you do a worship service, not only is it theologically important to do it well, but afterward the youth will feel really good about themselves, the congregation will be impressed (and more likely to support youth ministry). It is worth the effort and struggle.

• First some negative attitudes to avoid:
  • Many congregations have an “aren't they cute” and “I remember when they were in Kindergarten” view of these services. This means they do not expect to get anything of value from the service. Some youth will try to accommodate the congregational expectation by being cute. There may even be slides or reminiscences of the youth when they were children.
  • “Oh its amateur hour.” They are expected to be sloppy and childish and will not present anything of value (many people stay away on Youth Sunday). The youth may accommodate this attitude by being sloppy.
  • Academy Award acceptance speeches in place of a sermon. “I want to thank all the little people who made me who I am.” A sermon that is merely reminiscences and expressions of appreciation is not a sermon.
  • Youth reading scripts written for them by adult ghost writers.
• Now the positive:
  • Youth, even down to Middle School, can (and I've experienced this) write and produce outstanding worship services with serious messages. They just need to be given a chance (details on how to give them that chance will come later).
  • They need to view the service as an opportunity to preach to the congregation and to lead the congregation in worship.
  • They have a message from God to the congregation. They just need to figure out what that message is and how to convey it convincingly.
  • They need to know that they are competent and viewed as such by their leaders and their congregation.

Gender specific sleeping arrangements

Generally speaking, it is best to have different dorms/rooms/classrooms/spaces/shanties/lean-tos/yurts for the different genders.

• This allows kids to dance around in their underwear and to strew their clothes around without embarrassment.
  
• Parents like this practice also (even though there is no danger of something bad happening in reality). It helps parents feel that you are in control of things.
  
• There is always pressure from kids to sleep all together as a group, but for social reasons this put everyone under stress, which few of them need.
  

Staying overnight at a church on a trip

When on the road and you need to stay at a host church overnight:

1. Most churches will allow a group to stay in their church. Some will even welcome the opportunity to provide shelter to other youth, especially if it is a “mission trip.”
   
2. They may even want to have their youth do something with your group. Decide before hand whether you want this.
   
3. Most churches have to have some kind of board or administrator approval, so plan ahead and contact them well ahead of the planned date.
   
4. Arrange for getting in and out.
   
5. Be sure to send a thank you to both the contact person and the Session.
   
6. If possible attend worship in the host church.
   
7. Most churches do not have showers, so plan on that and do not let that be a deterrent for staying at a church.
   
8. More on what to do and how to do it on overnight stays in churches will come later
   

luggage on trips

General principle: The youth will naturally bring more stuff than will fit in the transportation provided. A 54 passenger bus cannot carry the stuff of 54 youth; a 15 passenger van cannot carry baggage of 15 – or even 11 youths.

1. Set real restrictions on what they can bring.
   
2. Don't plan on one seat/one youth.
   
3. For vans and buses, sleeping bags and other soft items can be stuffed under their seats.
   
4. At least one youth will leave something important on the van, bus or airplane. Plan for this.
   
5. When on the road, have everyone wear matching t-shirts so you can spot a wayward youth across a parking lot as you are pulling out.
   

Value and values of fund raising

I won't make suggestions or critiques of the infinite variety of fund raisers, but make a few observations about the phenomenon in general. The value and values of fund raising need always to be thought through explicitly:

• Is the sole goal to raise as much money as possible?
  
• How much has to be raised?
  
• Can it be done in one event or a series of events or activities?
  
• Is group building an important element?
  
• Do the youth actually have time to do the project? You can't accept promises. Look at their schedules and track record for showing up.
  
• How much of a mess will the project be and who is likely to be offended or impacted by the project?
  
• Will the youth themselves be doing the project or is it a parent project?
  
• Is the project ethical? Is it more than just fancy begging or tricking people?
  
• How much are you willing to rely on sympathy, guilt or the aren't-they-cute factor?
  

Trip deposits

Planning requires knowing exactly how many are going. This is not an easy thing to determine. Although different types of events have some variations concerning advance reservations by the youth, there are a lot common issues. One if these is requiring a deposit from youth intending to attend.

• The deposit should be high enough to make a difference.
  
• In times of great financial hardship, a quiet policy of allowing people to make deposits in installments may be necessary.
  
• A deposit should not be returned unless there was no room for the person, the event was canceled or date changed or any other church caused problem.
  
• Everyone thinks their reason for canceling is just as valid as anyone else's. If you try to choose which reasons justify returning a deposit, you'll cause more turmoil and complaints than if you do not allow refunds, no matter what.
  

Bathrooms and bathing

• Do not have separate bath/bathroom facilities for adults and youth. The youth are more likely to be abused in some fashion by a peer than an adult, and an area that is known to be unsupervised is an invitation to trouble.
  
• Adults should make it a practice not to bathe when youth are around or to be in the shower room when youth are bathing. This is inconvenient and means we bathe at odd times, but youth ministry isn't about convenience.
  

Power naps

Power naps come naturally to some people and there are people that will never get the hang of them but they are invaluable for working with youth.

• I learned to do them by practicing the old “Transcendental Meditation” system (consciously relaxing feet, then ankles, etc,, keeping in mind the whole time the amount of time the nap is supposed to take (like 15 minutes). The duration of the nap is the last thing thought about when making the head “go away.” I can now, instantaneously, take a nap anytime, anywhere, for any duration.
  
• If I look around and see that every thing is under control, I put myself out for a few minutes. This keeps me fresh and energetic.
  
• I no longer need an alarm clock on trips, which is handy. However, everyone now has an alarm clock in their cell phone. You can always set your cell phone alarm just to be safe.
  

Clothing and development

Our society expects younger youth to wear clothes that is too mature for them. The clothes don't really fit their young bodies and they are not really comfortable in them, but it is what it is. Don't believe the clothes, believe the actual age of the youth. It is fair (and usually a relief to them) to specify an appropriate style of clothes for an event (“We'll be playing wild games on Sunday, so wear clothes and shoes that work for that”).

abstract thought and age

The possibility of true abstract thought comes in around age 15, give or take a year. 

• Simulated abstract thought sometimes happens with younger youth – they know the mechanics of sounding abstract without understanding the concepts internally.

• For youth under 9^th grade abstraction, sequence, cause and effect are mostly just defined concepts and not truly integrated in their thinking. By 9^th grade some will “stumble upon” abstraction and enjoy the process, but don't be surprised if in the next discussion they are a slab of concrete.
  
• Be aware that younger youth have often been taught psychological and other language that is not age appropriate and they can recite it back so that it seems like they understand, but don't.
  
• Lessons and discussions for younger youth need to be concrete and fact oriented, with little expectation of depth of thought. Middle adolescents and above, enjoy abstract conversations and lessons.