Protecting Family time

Not just in theory. We all know this but it is easier said than done. You have to work at this. I think the bare minimum is one day and one evening. If your lives are as busy as most, this takes planning and commitment.

• Start by working a month in advance. As a family select a day and an evening (beginning with supper) for that week.
• Enter these in your PDA/calendar
• (I think I've mentioned before that I used a paper PDA – Daytimer – because if it bounced out of my pocket in an impromptu volleyball game, it didn't break and lose all my appointments. I also have a retrievable record of where I was when, how long and with whom.)
• When someone comes rushing up to you and says: “Everybody's leaving the youth group and we're all going to die if we don't have a meeting on Wednesday” you can say (calmly and sympathetically) “Hmmm, well, I've got a prior engagement on Wednesday, but I can clear my calendar on Thursday” (You are not required to tell them what you are doing on Wednesday.)

Sleeping arrangements on trips

Generally, if the sleeping facilities require roommates of 2-3, have a small committee hammer out combinations that are compatible. Friends or family members can be together for this. Siblings often pack together and need to room together. Siblings are also the only ones that can be put together in a double bed.

Leaving a group: How to tell them

Try to gather all the youth in one place and time and tell them of your leaving face to face. Do not let them read it in a bulletin or hear it by rumor mill.

• Depending on the situation, it probably needs to not be at a regular youth group meeting since some of the youth that care won't be at that meeting. Have a special event.
  
• Try not to tip your hand when inviting the youth, but get them there, perhaps calling each one.
  
• Be prepared for various reactions: tears, anger and stoicism.
  

Kidnap retreat: Variations

Variations:

• Skip the public activity and come to their homes to pick them up. This requires more pre-arrangement with parents, and much more opportunity for a youth to refuse to go.
• Combine the public event with an Unknown Destination or a Lockin on the Move. At the destination of the public event is a bus or vans, warmed up and ready to go with all their luggage loaded on it.

You can't actually "toughen up" a child

It has been shown (David Elkind and others) that a child given too much freedom too early tend to be emotionally fragile. Instead of becoming strong from the “testing” they become insecure as they try to deal with things they don't understand or are not ready to deal with. It is therefore important for youth workers and parents, as much as possible, to protect the younger youth from overly stressful situations.

• We cannot “toughen them up” but rather need to ease them into adulthood.

• Things like challenge courses (ropes courses, etc) are actually safe but simulates danger. This “exercises” their trust and stress reactions without permanently damaging them.
• The Church needs to be a safe place – not just safe from sexual predators, but everything harmful including inappropriate teasing by classmates. There are other posts about how to achieve this.
• If something goes terribly wrong, someone needs to be there to “debrief.” Help them past the situation and learn that the world is normally trustworthy and safe.
• If one of the youth or many of them suffer a trauma (a death or serious illness) the church and its representatives need to be a visible presence and support.

Top priority

Take seriously, and consciously keep working on the idea that we and our feelings and opinions are not important. What is important is serving God by serving the youth, to the best of our ability – and, with God's help, beyond our ability.

Contents of Documents page:

Here is a summary list of the documents on the Documents page of the blog:

• Unknown Destination sample itinerary and publicity piece; 
• A complete Individualized Confirmation program; 
• The contents of my “Retreat Boxes;” 
• Communications spreadsheet template; 
• A sample First Aid Kit for trips, camps and retreats: 
• A sample farewell letter when leaving a group; 
• A sample Youth Room guidelines; 
• Youth Even balance sheet spreadsheet template; 
• A complete process for preparing a Youth Sunday worship service, along with 3 sample documents.

Mission trip failures

Sometimes a project doesn't work out, fails or something disappointing happens afterward. That is again not why we do these things.

• Address these things directly and matter-of-factually.
  
• You do not need to apologize for yourself or for the people running the project.
  
• You can explain what happened
  
• Do not let yourself be disappointed or convey disappointment
  
• Theologize: we do not help others for ourselves but in a desire to serve people and God. How we feel about it is beside the point
  
• You may have helped in a situation in ways other than accomplishing the original goal. In some ways, relationships and being an example of Christian love is more important than fixing a roof
  

Vans: the official recommendations from NHTSB

The official recommendations from the National Highway Transportation Safety Board: “Protect passengers with a seat belt policy; select an experienced driver; make sure the driver is not fatigued or driving too fast; properly maintain your tires; and avoid placing any load on the roof – that increases the chance of rollover.”

Mid week breaks for trips

For trips, camps, conferences, any week long event, but especially Mission Trips, plan a fun break midweek.  This can relieve tension give muscles and other things a break and can break up the "Third-Day Out Syndrome"  I usually would take them somewhere just for a "and now for something completely different" experience.  Often this was an amusement park, but also bowling, boardwalk, beach, etc.  We'd end with eating out together.

Teaching about Salvation by Grace

In a confirmation class it is important to help youth to get past “works righteousness” and focus on God's Grace. I use Matthew 5. I start with verse 17 but you could start with verse 21. Omit verses 31&32 in this process.

• Make sure they understand that a “Rhetorical Question” is not to be answered out loud (or it could get embarrassing).
  
• Read a section at a time and then ask the appropriate rhetorical question: “Have you ever done this?” or “Have you always done this?” You can elaborate on theme of “do you think any human is perfect on this score? Do you think you'll every be perfect on this?”
  
• At the end say something to the effect: This is what it takes to earn your way into heaven. Maybe you can live up to one or another of these commandments but what are your chances of living up to all of them? So. What are your chances of earning your way into heaven. Jesus has spelled it out pretty clearly here.
  
• So if we can't earn our way into heaven what hope do we have? Someone will probably guess correctly “Jesus.”
  
• Once it is decided that our only hope is the Salvation afforded us by the death/resurrection of Jesus, you can enter into a discussion of why do we try to live up to the commandments of the Bible. Stress that we do this as a way of saying “Thank you” to God; it is an act of gratitude not an attempt to buy our way into heaven.
  

Kidnap retreat: Pitfalls and problems

• Try to avoid having a closed group of friends. This is somewhat difficult to control, but it will help if the public event is not something that is likely to appeal to only a subset of the potential group. Calling specific youths and cajoling them into signing up is worth the effort for something of this sort.
• Again be alert to youth that really don't want to be there. They can be a problem. If it can't be helped, at least acknowledge the validity of their pique and apologize. Then try to help them be included and feel important to the retreat.
• Make it clear that this was a one time event and not something they can expect again. Being tricked one time only can be viewed as funny by most youth.

The task of Adolescence is to become independent: Implication #2

It is important to help parents to accept the process of independence, letting go but not too soon or too easily. This can be done in parenting classes, counseling sessions and casual conversations. This is hard for parents and a never ending process of adjustment. I use the analogy of horse training. The horse (youth) is put on a close tether and then as they walk around the course slowly they are given more and more rope (freedom) until they have it down and the tether can be omitted.

With teens, they need to be on a short leash as a 6^th grader, but given freedom slowly until by the end of their Senior year they are on their own.

Even for things a parent doesn't have any problem with, there should be resistance from the parent, on principle. As an example: Facebook

• The parent should wait for it to come up, not offer it
• Initially resist it as if it was a big deal.
• After a reasonable amount of whining and “everybody does it” sit down and negotiate limits and practices
• Then relent

Rental vans

Rental vans are usually the least expensive models and therefore more likely to be more unstable on the road and to lack safety features.

• Use your most experienced drivers for these.
  
• These tend to have undersized engines so overloading causes problems and even if loaded properly they do not have good pickup for passing or getting our of trouble.
  
• When you them up, make sure all the seat belts work and all removable seats are securely fastened.
  
• The tires should be properly inflated but it is best to double check since this is the number one reason for loss of control and rollovers.
  
• I once was given a van with a mirror missing!!! Don't accept it, make them fix it on the spot.
  
• Even if they have a hitch they probably do not have a full towing package. Towing is tricky with a really stable van, impossible with a light weight van without proper equipment.
  

Age appropriate programs

As I have said a number of times in a number of ways, programs and activities need to be age appropriate. This is more than just, “are they tall enough” but emotional and intellectual development. A few summary comments:

• Adolescents younger than 18 may not be very skilled at or even capable of seeing a bigger picture so keep the program specific.
  
• Adolescents younger than 15 may not understand abstraction, or sequence.
  
• Adolescents younger than 13 may not understand feelings, especially of others and may not be able to adequately express their feelings.
  

Boring car rides...

Have a travel game or two to start such as the license plate game, the billboard alphabet game, 20 questions, etc. Start these randomly during a long drive as needed and appropriate.

Mission trip budget issues

Most mission trip projects explicitly or implicitly expect groups coming in to cover the costs of the project. Plan this into the budget. You also will have unexpected expenses as you need to buy tools, rent equipment, etc as the project unfolds.

Kidnap Retreat: The Transition:

This is the fun part. While everyone is at the public event one or more drivers will then go the youths' homes to pick up the gear that their parents have packed for them, after they left the house. All this gear is then taken to the retreat location. If these drivers can also set up the retreat site and have a snack ready to greet you, all the better.

At the end of the public event, activate the "escape hatch" for any youth that will not be going on the retreat. Without comment or explanation, drive straight for the retreat site. Once there, point out their gear, and state that they have been "kidnapped" with their parent's assistance, for the weekend.

There may still be one or two youth that have obligations that their parents did not know of, or who simply are not willing to go along with the program. It is generally best to take these home. If they cannot be easily swayed, they will be a detriment to the program.

Late signups

Sometimes you can add people late without a great deal of penalty but this makes it even more likely for families to procrastinate in getting reservations in in the future.  Even if it is ok from an internal point of view (finances, planning, etc) Charge a late fee or some other penalty. 

Don't stop working on something once you've started it

A rule I learned in a business executive's efficiency class that has been valuable, although some times hard to follow: Never pick up a paper you are not ready to process to completion. You are not allowed to put the paper back down. This save a lot of wasted or redundant effort. The same principle can be applied to other areas such as: Never start a conversation you aren't going to finish at the moment. Never start a project that you aren't going to bring to completion or at least take to a significant step forward. (Combine this thinking with the Toad Rules. https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=4916279693530706050&pli=1#editor/target=post;postID=8560645843818553404;onPublishedMenu=posts;onClosedMenu=posts;postNum=1;src=postname )

The task of Adolescence is to become independent: Implication #1

They need to establish their personality during this time. This means that they will, as mentioned in other posts, experiment with different personalities “trying them on for size.” Parents and others may need help in understanding that this is normal and needs to be channeled not squelched. “Out of character” actions and responses are actually normal and to be expected.

Push the envelope with Confirmation

In some communities there is a high expectation for confirmation (Roman Catholic, Luthern) or its equivalent in other religions. Take advantage of that and make it a high demand activity. Push the expectations as far as you can without driving them off.  We used to have time during the orientation when parents talked about whatever process they went through.  There are usually several that made our process seem easy.

Staff members working together

Getting along with other staff members is complex and, like a marriage, takes work. I've given other hints but one method is to identify points of intersection between staff members' work, and consciously find ways of making these intersections joint projects rather than points of competition.

Kidnap Retreat: Contacting the Parents:

After the cutoff time, parents of each of the youth signed up will need to be contacted at a time when the youth is not likely to be around. This conversation is a little tricky. Most parents will be greatly amused by the idea and enjoy "putting one over" on their child. Some will appreciate the opportunity for their child to be included and hope that their child will become more a part of the group as a result of the retreat. A few parents will have a difficult time understanding what you are saying, and conceptualizing the whole thing.

There will always be a few youth that have other activities scheduled that will preclude their participation in the retreat part of the weekend. This is a given and perfectly all right. An "escape hatch" needs to be built into the transition from the public event to the retreat. The youth can go to the public event and then be quietly taken home after the event - perhaps by arranging the rides so that all those needing out are in one car, or perhaps waiting until they have been taken to the retreat site, and then having a driver gather them and take them home.

A few of the parents will not be able to make a decision of this sort without their child's approval. This is a touchy matter, for if they do discuss it with their child then most likely everyone else in the group will know about the retreat. I tell the parents this directly and bluntly. If the parent simply cannot commit their child to the retreat, then I suggest that the retreat probably isn't right for their child anyway and tell them of the "escape hatch" provision. If the child is later disappointed by being left out, then this can be a "learning opportunity" for the parent.

In this conversation, outline clothes and equipment the youths will need for the retreat. It is probably best to have a check list and read it to them, so that you can be assured of consistency. The parents or guardians are to pack these items after the child has left for the public event.

Two Truths and a Lie

An oldie get acquainted game: “Two truths and a lie”

• I a small group this can be done altogether which is ideal, but in a larger group this needs to be done in groups of 4-5
  
• The participants are given three common questions. I use: What is your favorite TV show; your favorite music group or singer; your favorite sport
  
• Each person thinks of their answers, but one of the three is to not be true.
  
• Encourage them to have all three answers ready before you start (“Simpsons, Selena and … uh.... croquet” is not hard to guess).
  
• Going around the group, each gives their 3 answers and the rest of the group has to decide which is not true.
  
•  The game can be extended in a larger group by having one member of the small group introduce one of the others to the larger group and tell one of the true facts about them. Continue until the entire group has been introduced. 
•  The game can be theologized by adding a discussion of times in our lives when we hide the truth from others, etc
   
  

The Law of Diminishing Returns

When you are done. Stop.

• Meetings that go over an hour become less and less productive
• Once a program, sermon, newsletter article or whatever has been fully written and edited, any more time spent in it will be less and less valuable and eventually you will start doing damage to it.
• Specific fund raisers can run their course and become less effective and profitable over time. Plan on changing every few years.

Dealing with the Passive/Aggressive and manipulative youth

• These tend to put you in a no-win situation, you either give in or look like the heavy. Sometimes it works to just point that out out-loud: “This sure puts me in a no-win position...”
  
• Sometimes you can put an item to a vote rather than you deciding.
  
• Sometimes you can just ignore it.
  

A useful link for Presbyterian youth workers

www.pywa.org