Leaving a group: How to tell them

Try to gather all the youth in one place and time and tell them of your leaving face to face. Do not let them read it in a bulletin or hear it by rumor mill.

• Depending on the situation, it probably needs to not be at a regular youth group meeting since some of the youth that care won't be at that meeting. Have a special event.
  
• Try not to tip your hand when inviting the youth, but get them there, perhaps calling each one.
  
• Be prepared for various reactions: tears, anger and stoicism.
  

When under attack

If someone really powerful is after you and you do not think you can get a fair shake, prepare an exit strategy. I've posted earlier that one should not leave mad or too easily – we need to hold out as long as possible for the youth's sake. However, there are times when a position is untenable (In 40 years I only submitted my resignation under duress once, and, in the end, we worked it out and I stayed).
If you have to leave, however, please read my posts about leaving a group. Your problems are probably not the kids fault (their parent's maybe, but not the kids). They deserve a proper separation.

Things to say to a group when you are leaving them

Explain to them that when you leave you are gone:

• That you will not do weddings, come back for graduations or anything else.
  
• You will do college recommendations. (This is an important courtesy and one that you can probably do better than anyone else in the church. This is not really interfering.)
  
• They are to welcome your successor warmly. “I have not done my job well if my leaving disrupts things or my successor is treated in a un-Christian fashion.”
  
• Explain that things will change and need to change.
  
• They should be told that they should never ever say things like “we've never done it that way before,” “[your name] always/never/used to...” etc
  

Some documents that are available

I can't remember if I've mentioned this or not but I have a couple of documents on the "Documents" page of this blog.  The two newest ones are a list of items in a first aid kit, and the other is a "Sound Scavenger Hunt."
There is also a farewell letter to my last youth group, a complete, detailed spelling out of how to do a Youth Sunday service.

Leaving a group -- plan ahead

Until the time of your announcement, keep planning into the future. They may get suspicious if all your plans end on June 1.

• By planning things for after you are gone means you are not just abandoning them or leaving them in the lurch.
  
• It also means you will be more effective right up to the end, avoiding the tendency to slack off. As they say in baseball, you need to “swing through the ball, not just meet it.”
  

Leaving a group means leaving it

When you are gone you need to be gone.

• Do not come back to visit. Do not do weddings or anything else.
  
• I'm conflicted about to what extent you cut off communications. With adults all communication should cease, and communications with most youth should cease. However, some youth need someone they won't ever see again in person and who is removed from their situations to use as a sounding board for their problems. If you are the only one that they will open up to, stay in touch.
  
  • But never comment on what is going on back at the church. Don't comment on, agree with or sympathize with complaints about changes or other things having to do with that church. You are no longer there and have no right to interfere in any way.
    
  • The only reason for keeping the communication open is for personal problems and concerns of that particular youth.
    
  • Keep passing kids trying to talk to you back to your successor.

Leaving a group

If you care for your youth you will not leave suddenly and without preparation:

• Take time to leave good notes for your successor.
  
  • Leave information about plans that have been made, people that have been recruited.
    
  • Leave addresses, phone numbers, web sites that are needed or helpful.
    
  • Try to indicate traditions that might be difficult to change too soon, things that can be changed easily and things that need to be changed.
    
• Start this documentation early and work on it over time. Leaving it to the end is to guarantee that your successor will be working with inadequate information which is a disservice to them and to your youth. As an example, often reservations for a camp or retreat site have to be done well in advance. It would be a shame if a traditional event can't happen because you didn't warn your successor of the cut-off date.
  

Leaving a group, pt 1: basics

These comments are mostly directed to people who have a deep and long term relationship with a group and are leaving them forever. The most common situation is the “youth minister” moving on to another calling elsewhere. However, there are hints that apply to less dramatic situations.

• Leaving a group of youth is different than leaving a church. There are different rules that apply.
  
• The best time to leave is when things are going well and stable.
  
• Don't be in a hurry to leave, a group of youth need long time relationships, not annual ones.
  
• Allow about a month between the announcement and your actual departure. This gives time for one-on-one leave taking and gives them time to adjust and stop thinking about it. Youth adjust to new things fairly rapidly. By the end of the month they'll be fine about your leaving.
  
• Recognize that children and younger youth mourn differently than adults. They mourn in bursts: sudden sadness, then quickly moving on. Older youth will be more pensive and want to think through implications. All will view it from their own point-of-view and assess the changes in terms of how it will affect them personally.
  
• They will want an explanation that makes sense to them: money, family obligations, etc. They may want to blame someone, the church, themselves, etc. They probably won't understand or accept “I've been called to another church” or other theological explanations. They'll probably grab onto one explanation that is satisfying and hold on to it for dear life.
  
• Make sure they have a healthy positive explanation to hold on to. If you are leaving mad, it does the youth a disservice to convey that.