Interruptions

In youth ministry classes I have done over the years I always had a line along the line of: "Programs and activities are what we do while we wait for an opportunity for ministry."  Often the interruptions and unplanned activities are what are important.  These are the serious, deep, spiritual conversations, the taking care of the youth in trouble or the family in crisis.  Sometimes they are simply the times when relationships are established or strengthened. 

Some hints:

• Always view interruptions as opportunities not distractions.  Kids are more important than programs.
• Recognize that the youth will not remember the program (except in rare situations) but they will remember when you were "there for them."
• Try to be expendable during planned programs and activities, so that you can step out of the event and take care of the ministry opportunity thrust upon you.
• Try to have leaders that won't fee abandoned if you disappear leaving them in charge
• When you are not in charge, don't take time off for your own interests or activities but look around for something/someone that needs to be cared for.

Be a Moral Guarantor for your youth

Like it or not your youth will look to you for moral guidance. You cannot, like the celebrities, try to pretend that your actions and life are not anyone's business and you have no intention of being a “role model.” Not only are you (and they) role models, you have signed on for that job! So the youth around you are watching, mostly unconsciously, your every move trying to learn what it means to be a “Christian adult.” (remember the anti-smoking ads?) So, what are you teaching them?

• Periodically we need to stop and look at our actions and interactions to make sure we are teaching them what we intend to teach them
• If we see behaviors in the youth that bother us, we need to first look at ourselves to make sure we haven't taught them that.
• When teaching a lesson or preaching, we need to see how much if applies to our own lives.
• If the concern is a difficult one (“I need to be less sarcastic”) at least admit that it is a problem that you are trying to overcome. This, in itself is an important lesson for them to learn.
• Never make excuses when you slip up.
• As I have said in other posts, we may have to adhere to a code that we do not consider necessary – specially for an adult, but if it is something we don't want to our youth to emulate, we may have adhere to it – for their sake.

The real heart of youth ministry

There innumerable definitions of youth ministry and its value. Many of them are right. Sometimes it is a matter of the moment. But one definition is: that which we do while waiting for a crisis to deal with.

A youth in crisis is our real calling. We need to be there for them, we need to be trained and knowledgeable and ready to act. Often the crisis is a broken arm, but sometimes it is suicide, or crises of faith. It doesn't matter, it is our job to take care of them.

It doesn't matter if they were being stupid

It doesn't matter if they were being immoral

It doesn't matter if the crisis is bigger in their sight than ours

It doesn't matter if we have other things to attend to

Being Oneself #1: “Youth talk”

“In” language is neither universal nor timeless.

• Youth deliberately try to have a unique vocabulary specifically to exclude “clueless” older people. Grant them this illusion.
• Don't be clueless. Learn the current vocabulary, just don't use it yourself unless adults your age adopt the language (at which point it will change)
• Besides, you'll usually be a week or two behind them :)

Being oneself: Introduction

This is related to leadership style and will be a reiteration of some previous posts, but I'll try to pull together my thoughts about how to relate to the youth as an authentic adult. I may be overreacting to this but I remember so vividly a youth worker from my youthhood (that's a long time ago) who tried so hard to be one of us that it was downright embarrassing. I've had that image in the back of my head throughout my ministry.

• That person meant well
• But wasn't a good role model – someone we wanted to be when we grew up
• Besides, who wants to be a kid their whole life

Your predecessor left you with a mess

Sometimes a well intentioned leader can have a program that is diametrically opposed to your philosophy of youth ministry – or even opposed to good sense. Changes are not only in order but necessary, as soon as possible.

• Again, you gain nothing by attacking your predecessor or even of the program itself.
  
• Look at the programs that are established and you will get resistance to if you change them too soon. One group I inherited was big on initiations and other humiliation “games” which I find offensive. But I didn't come in and self-righteously declare them bad. Over time, we just “forget” to do them and replaced them with better games.
• If you can invoke “health and safety” or other objective concerns, this helps. I retired “Fuzzy Bunnies” by saying how funny and disgusting the game was, but I had discovered that their was a real choking hazard.
• Make replacement programs better and more fun than what is being replaced
• Be sympathetic when people say “But we've never done it that way before.” Then wait it out.
• Give a positive, Biblical, theological reason for what you want to do. Again, don't put down or disparage the old program, just justify the replacement program.

Your predecessor did a good job

Even if you get tired of hearing about him/her, always complement them for anything they did right. It doesn't hurt you at all if people continues to think highly of them (after all, you have the job now, they don't). Build on and, possibly, over time, away from, their program.

Staff intersections

We often associate overlaps between staff members and between departments as areas of conflict and turn wars.  Instead turn them into opportunities for ministry.  

• Identify points of intersection between staff members' work, and consciously find ways of making these intersections joint projects rather than points of competition.
• Participate in their special activities -- for example, I enjoyed working in the Music departments "Choir School" which also gave me opportunities to interact with children I might not of reached otherwise.
• Keep others informed if your program is going to impact theirs.
• Deliberately have some joint projects such as a youth musical or a parent/youth seminar

Your predecessor was run out of town on a rail

Avoid the temptation to agree that he/she was a jerk – no matter how jerky they were. There is not value in running them down and you don't want to encourage negative thinking – you might be next.

• If they did something bad, agree that it was bad thing to do
• If what they did/said/were is subjective, let let it go without comment
• “Ok” “what do you know” and “um” are good responses to attacks on the person
• Better is: “that was then, this is now. We don't have to worry about that now

Your predecessor walked on water

It is always hard to follow a charismatic and popular leader. We generally expect the successor to be a “sacrificial lamb” that won't stay long. If they did their job well they will have prepared their group for a successor and made the transition as easy as possible, and then disappeared, resisting the temptation to interfere. That doesn't always happen.

• The suggestions in the introductory post on the subject apply in Spades, in this case.
• I want to emphasize the importance of acknowledging “what a wonderful person he/she” was. And “I'm sure, that if he/she were here they would want you to support me and help keep the program going strong.”
• Make changes carefully and quietly

Your Predecessor: Overview

I've given many posts for how to make it easier for your successor to follow you, but what about the person(s) you are following?

• Give them the benefit of the doubt. They probably were faithful, they probably were well intentioned, they probably cared for the kids, they probably had a good and workable program. That they didn't do things just like you goes without saying – so don't say it.
• In most cases, publicly honor them and their program.
• Criticizing them or their program only hurts you. Offer alternatives instead.
• Recognize that there will be people that dislike you simply because you are not them. You may need to say out loud – “It's not my fault. I had nothing to do with his/her leaving or my being selected to succeed them.” Make it a fairness issue.
• Recognize the natural conservatism of adults, including High School Youth. Focus your energy in winning over the Middle Schoolers and changing the program at that level.
• Do not let “But [name] did it this way” get to you. No yelling out: “But [name] is gone, this is my group now.” Just respond with a non-committal “ok, duly noted” or “that's interesting” or “but I'm doing it this way” and then go somewhere where you can punch a wall.

Divorce

You are not a very good role model to your youth if your spouse stomps off mad and divorces you because you were never around.

More “signature” events

I have mentioned “signature events” and gave a detailed description of one of mine, the Unknown Destination Trip. Here I'll explore the concept a little more and give more examples. As mentioned, the idea behind it is to establish a reputation in some aspect of ministry by having a unique activity that is associated with you or your church. In three of my churches not only was the Unknown Destination Trip popular within my group, the wider public were aware of them and they were associated with my church. Other churches tried to emulate them but didn't know the formula and they “weren't the same” because they weren't ours.
Another signature event that I inherited in my last church was a Confirmation ceremony that was distinct and moving. I cleaned it up a bit and fixed a few questionable practices associated with it, but the basic process was good and had a reputation for being special. This was worth keeping the tradition going.
Another signature event was a hand made coffee mug with their name and the Presbyterian seal imprinted in the mug which was given to the Seniors on Senior Sunday.
Another signature event that I inherited was a special Communion on the Beach at the end of our church camp.
These are not the sort of things you get out of a book or youth ministry manual, but are created by creatively thinking or rethinking what could be done in a unique fashion.

Youth Sports

There is not much we can do about the negative aspects of youth sports. It is a part of our culture. Yes, they start way too young; yes, the coaches and parents are often out of control; yes, most youth are involved in way too many activities and sports; yes, it is offensive for sports to happen on Sunday morning or so early on Sunday afternoon that it eliminates church. But we are not going to have a major impact on changing this. A few thoughts about what a church can do:

• Have coaches' and parent's forums to teach good practices and use the forums as social pressure for good behavior
• Encourage a sense of experimentation for children and younger youth – trying out various sports, learning the basics. Let them become serious when they hit High School
• Be alert to physiological issues for a child/youth: wincing in pain when the move wrong; swollen joints; signs of exhaustion; depression caused by their sport. Report to the parent.
• Gently ask questions about the appropriateness of a particular sport for a particular youth: If their parents are both under 5'10” question whether basketball is the best sport for them.
• If the athletic event is important enough, cut them some slack about coming late or leaving early for a church event. I usually push back with the parent as much as possible but eventually allow it.  I have had parents drive an hour each way twice to retrieve their child from a confirmation retreat and then return them after the match. I have had parents apologize later and regret having their child miss part or all of the church event
• I once had a family get a schedule changed: the youth was a star for the team, they could not win without him. The family told the coach that they would not miss church.  Period, final. Somehow the schedule for that team managed to miss Sunday mornings. :)

When they turn against you

It is a part of ministry, professional and volunteer, that we sometimes are attacked. Sometimes viciously, without warning and reason. Yes, sometimes we bring it on ourselves, but sometimes it is unwarranted, but hurts nevertheless.
Sometimes the attack comes from a youth having to make a break from you and/or the program. I've addressed this phenomenon briefly in: https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=4916279693530706050&pli=1#editor/target=post;postID=6308638393153009265;onPublishedMenu=posts;onClosedMenu=posts;postNum=7;src=postname
But how to handle an attack?

• Martyrdom goes with the territory. Faithful Christians have always suffered, at least a little. You are in great company.
• Keep in mind the adage: “The great thing about being a martyr in this era is that they don't use real arrows.” You will survive.
• Such attacks will always peter out eventually. They take too much energy and concentration. Can you outlast it? Sometimes survival is simply a matter of keeping going in spite of it.
• Be careful not to take your pain out on others: spouse, the youth, whomever.
• Fighting back is rarely valuable or productive. Only if other people, such as the youth, are being hurt should you respond and respond only to what is hurting the others.
• You may need to take a weekend or week off to get away and heal.
• Analyze the situation. What brought it on? What solutions are there? Is it worth fighting back or ignoring it?
• When the problem fades, forgiveness is, of course, called for (darn!). This isn't easy but may make a big difference for your ministry in the future. You need to be that person's minister no matter what. I have had some of the most nasty attacks from people that eventually became important to my program.

JIT

Just in Time preparation. The term “JIT” originally came from the construction industry but is being used by many industries. It is a mind-set. The original image is that a brick is not delivered to a work site until the mason reaches out for a brick to lay. Instead of pre-ordering and stock-piling everything that might be needed, items are ordered to be delivered just in time. This saves a huge amount of money for a variety of reasons.
Youth workers tend toward two extremes, both of which are problematic: Just “winging it,” which will be addressed in a later post, and planning way ahead, just in case. Addressing this last approach, planning very far ahead usually involves a great deal of wasted time. As time passes, things change, thinking changes, conditions change so that the program/talk/sermon/activity has to be rewritten. Make notes, form an outline, but don't work on it seriously until it is JIT. You do need to allow for last minute interruptions or issues that might keep you from getting it done, but that probably only means a day or two.

Face time in worship

Make sure you and your people get “face time” in regular worship. Youth program often get isolated from the rest of the church. The youth are an abstraction. The congregation may be proud that they have a “youth program” but not know who that describes. Such abstractions are often ignored, overlooked, underfunded.
So you and the youth need to be in the congregation's face. You all need to be real and personal to the congregation. One way of doing this is by assisting in worship regularly, not just on “Youth Sunday.”

Who's your family's pastor?

Who is to be pastor to your spouse? If you are on the church staff, it probably won't be your boss or co-workers...  Yes, even you and your spouse need a pastor and counselor.  For all the reasons you give to others for getting help.

The Engineer's logic test

I have labeled this approach the Engineer's logic test in honor of my father, an engineer, who taught it to me. What he told me was that “after you have done the calculations, solved the equations, and done the math you need to step back and ask the question, 'Does this solution make sense.'” Being confident of our conclusion does not mean it is right. Being confident that someone's recommendation is usually right doesn't mean it is right in a particular situation. A few examples:

• To cancel or (adjust) or not to cancel an event. It may seem if there are too few signed up for the event to go forward – but what is the pattern for the congregation? Is it common for 2 or 3 times as many people to sign up late or just show up without making a commitment by the deadline? Or conversely, does it look like there are enough signed up to go ahead but the congregation has a history of last minute cancellations.
  
• One year I made the mistake of letting high school student talk me into letting them go on a Middle School Unknown Destination Trip. They all promised they would do it, so I made the appropriate preparations including chartering a tour bus. But if I had applied the logic text I would have realized that High School youth would not be able to go on the trip because of other obligations. I lost a lot of money on that trip.
  
• In one church a group prepared a spreadsheet (“Ooh, a spreadsheet, it must be true”) which suggested in October that there would be a major deficit by the end of the year and therefore some of the church staff should be laid off. Applying the Engineer's Logic Test I reasoned: 1) there have been no major changes in our financial position from the last year 2) the last year was in the black therefore we would expect this year to be in the black. This caused me to question the spreadsheet. It turned out that the calculations were based on income for Nov and Dec being 1/12 of the total pledges. That's not the way that congregation operated. Plugging in more reasonable figures for those two month projected a small surplus rather than a deficit. Bottom line, they Session didn't lay off the staff and we ended the year with a small surplus.
  

Protecting Family time

Not just in theory. We all know this but it is easier said than done. You have to work at this. I think the bare minimum is one day and one evening. If your lives are as busy as most, this takes planning and commitment.

• Start by working a month in advance. As a family select a day and an evening (beginning with supper) for that week.
• Enter these in your PDA/calendar
• (I think I've mentioned before that I used a paper PDA – Daytimer – because if it bounced out of my pocket in an impromptu volleyball game, it didn't break and lose all my appointments. I also have a retrievable record of where I was when, how long and with whom.)
• When someone comes rushing up to you and says: “Everybody's leaving the youth group and we're all going to die if we don't have a meeting on Wednesday” you can say (calmly and sympathetically) “Hmmm, well, I've got a prior engagement on Wednesday, but I can clear my calendar on Thursday” (You are not required to tell them what you are doing on Wednesday.)