Game lists

Always have a list of tried and true games with you that fit your group, divided into categories: name games, passive indoor games, active indoor games, outdoor games, relays.   Add to the list regularly.  If a game really doesn't work with your group remove it.  Try to use a mix of group favorites and new ones.   If a game really doesn't work with your group remove it.  Try to use a mix of group favorites and new ones. 

Kidnap Retreat: The public event

Key to making the retreat a success is drawing the needed youth to the public event. This means that the event must appeal enough to the target group that they won't just attend, but are willing to sign up in advance. It is currently difficult in most places to get young people to commit early to an event, so this becomes a major problem. One possibility is a concert, a theme park or other public event that requires purchase of a certain number of tickets. It then becomes easier to say to them that if they don't get their reservations in early they may be left behind. Be sure to have an absolute cutoff date that allows time to make arrangements for the retreat.

Although this will cause some griping and complaining and perhaps pressure from youth and parent, this event should be limited to people who are "church members or likely to be involved in youth group this year." Simply explain that the purpose of the (public) event is to act as a group builder for the youth group and that "friends" will be a distraction.

Another difficult issue is that the students cannot have their own car at the public event (they can, perhaps, bring them to the church). Churches with vans or buses have it made, and, if it makes economic sense, renting a van for this event makes it easier to insist that the whole group go together.

Youth minister offices

Don't feed stereotypes that cause youth workers to be disrespected. It is perfectly appropriate to have weird stuff in you office, but keep it neat and orderly. (Closets don't count here.)

An adolescent is an emerging adult.

• Each will develop differently and at a different pace, but they are all between here and there.
• There can not be a “one size fits all” program, adult attitude or counseling method.
• They move back and forth between adult and child; frequently and sometimes suddenly.
• Be prepared to react to wherever they are at the moment, not what they were last week, or what they “should” be.
• Don't be harsh or belittling if they are being childish nor expect too much if they are being “too mature” they are what they are – at that moment

Opportunity for a Young Adult Volunteer

I know this is somewhat off subject, but you may know a young adult (post college) who is looking for a year's service opportunity before moving on with their life.  Hands and Feet of Asheville takes 3-5 volunteers each year and provides basic income, necessities, a place to live, a fellowship and spiritual community as well as a volunteer opportunity in Asheville, NC (a most unusual and interesting community).  The tasks vary including: assisting alternative worshiping communities, children's programs of the YMCA, Habitat for Humanity and working with program for the homeless. 

Here is their web site: http://www.handsandfeetavl.org

When under attack

If someone really powerful is after you and you do not think you can get a fair shake, prepare an exit strategy. I've posted earlier that one should not leave mad or too easily – we need to hold out as long as possible for the youth's sake. However, there are times when a position is untenable (In 40 years I only submitted my resignation under duress once, and, in the end, we worked it out and I stayed).
If you have to leave, however, please read my posts about leaving a group. Your problems are probably not the kids fault (their parent's maybe, but not the kids). They deserve a proper separation.

Don't share everything you are dealing with with a spouse.

• A spouse will not be objective and will tend take on your frustration.
  
• Some may try to get back at those who have hurt you.
  
• Some may just get bitter about your situation.
  
• Some may simply not want to hear about it (again).

Kidnap Retreat: Preparation

Since retreat facilities are often booked up solid, especially in the Fall, it is important to plan this event far enough in advance to secure reservations for the camp or retreat center to be used. The surprise works best if the location of the retreat is fairly close to the public event (although I've had young people patiently and without question let me drive them 30 minutes "out of the way" without question). Often an area has a number of resources that have not been explored or used by a particular group. Service organization often have or know of camps and retreat centers, as do "Y"s and other churches. The best surprise retreat I have done used a partially abandoned luxury hotel a few minutes outside of town that was owned by a local church. Just exploring that facility was major entertainment for our group.

As a part of the preparation, arrange for other counselors for the retreat. Also, someone, perhaps the other counselors or perhaps youth committee members or parents of youth that will undoubtedly be going need to be recruited to gather the youth's overnight bags while the public activity is going on.

Adolescents will experiment

• They will experiment with personalities. Being mean and unfeeling one moment and sweet and caring the next; being “wild” one moment and “good” the next; so forth
• They will experiment with behaviors. One youth might experiment with smoking and reject it and experiment with alcohol and embrace it.
• No experiment is necessarily forever unless they become labeled. “Nikki is a slut” is likely to make Nikki who tried something she shouldn't have, feel like that is who she is and she needs to live out that definition from then on. Let them be someone different every time you see them. Reinforce good decisions, view bad decisions as only a one time decision.

A well stocked youth room

Keep the room stocked with arts and crafts, school supplies (including calculators, rulers, colored pencils, etc), board games (throw them out when they lose pieces or get tattered, you'll always get more donated), videos, spare t-shirts, towels, game books, cleaning supplies, snack food, paper goods.

The "Ins and Outs" game

Theologizing games is possible and worthwhile. Just give a little narrative before or after the game. My favorite, which comes from Gabe Campbell, is “Ins and Outs” a vigorous game where they divide themselves into groups based on a number shouted out by the leader.They mill around until they hear the number then they have to form a group of that number quickly  If a group is too large or too small they are eliminated. The process continues down to two people.  During the game friends and socially acceptable go by the wayside in an attempt to form the right number.  The debriefing discussion is “how is this like high school/middle school society?” (After this is an established game with a group it can also be used for randomly dividing a group -- ""get in groups of x; get in groups of y; get in groups of 6 -- now sit down together.")

Spills

Quickly establish a policy, both official and in real life,  of “if you spill something you clean it up IMMEDIATELY.” No exceptions. This policy is better than forbidding food and drink, which is generally a bad idea and causes friction and a "food policy" mentality.

Surprise Signups

At a randomly chosen youth group meeting, allow those present to sign up for an upcoming event. This gives those present an advantage for popular events. Knowing that, during the time when this is likely to happen, attendance is better than usual.

• Publicize the event with a starting date for registration, but with the note that registration will open at some unspecified meeting. It is important to be honest about what is going to happen.
• Come to a meeting prior to the starting date with the signup sheet.

This is perhaps a questionable practice, I'm still not  sure what I think about it, even though I use it for selected events. This means that those in attendance that particular night have first chance at the sign-up sheet, and those not there might not get a chance to participate. In some cases, someone might not be able to come to the meeting for a good reason.

•  Limit how many places can be taken by those in attendance. In this case you might have to "raffle" off, draw for or award places.
• Reverse the process - reserve a few places from the general signup, then after, the initial offering is "sold out," offer the reserved places to those in attendance at less popular meeting.

Dealing with melodramatic youth

For the melodramatic: those with constant crises, woes, attention getting sadness, “depression.”

• Show interest and concern, but all low key. Absorb their emotion rather than reflecting it or denying it.
  
• Publicly deal with only as much as necessary and then move on as quickly as possible.
  
• Repeatedly say “You know I care...”
  
• Avoid giving the impression that their crisis is a tempest in a teapot or old hat to you (both of which are probably true), but try to convey the idea that emotion isn't the answer.
  

“A friend wants to know what you think about a Christian on drugs?”

Is the “friend” actually the youth asking the question? Why can't the “friend” ask the question outright? Is the “friend” in the youth group? Is it a real question or an attempt at testing you to see how you respond and whether you can be trusted.

Responding to such a question is life or death and yet there is no good clear, always appropriate answer. Here are a few guidelines:

• Keep your internal reactions to yourself.
• At the beginning, at least, keep your own opinions and attitudes to yourself. You do not have enough information to give a solid answer.
• Although such questions can be somewhat irrelevant, try to keep the conversation open by asking questions: “How old is the friend? What kind of drugs are we talking about? Do all the friend's friends do drugs also?”
• Consider the age and education of the youth asking the question. If they are Middle School/Junior High School, giving specific information (make sure you are correctly and properly informed – you may have to say that you'll give them more information once you have time to study up) about the effect of the specific drugs on the age group in question.
• A High Schooler who has had all the classes on the subject is more concerned with the ethical/moral issues.
• Check to see if the “friend” is in need of help with an established addiction. [This is covered in other posts]
• Get the questioner's view about the subject. Engage in conversation, don't just lay the “truth” on them. It may be the truth, but a heavy handed approach will keep you from being effective, especially with older youth.
• Always end the conversation with an offer to help the “friend” get appropriate help. Offer to give names phone #s of clinics, etc.

Students today get a lot of classes, including discussion oriented and personal research classes on the subject of drugs and additions. Just offering a class or program on the subject will not be very helpful. You need to find a different angle that might be interesting to them:

• Were the disciples on drugs
• What does the Bible say about drugs
• Why do churches seem to be so opposed to drugs
• What to do if a friend is experimenting with drugs

Learning a new group's names

Rapidly, go around the room multiple times each person giving name and one particular piece of information (school, grade, favorite sport, favorite musical instrument, favorite food...).

Kidnap retreat: Why do this surprise

Besides the wonderful moment of watching their faces when they realize what has happened, this activity has a number of benefits. First and foremost, it is often hard to get busy kids away from their world to go on a retreat even though everyone agrees that they will enjoy and benefit from the retreat, if they actually go. The surprise approach simply gives them a little help in clearing their calendars. If the retreat is to be a planning retreat this is even more helpful since most youth would rather avoid such an event.

Additionally, this approach will often snag young people that might not otherwise sign up for a retreat, most notably the shy and the skeptical. They can often be enticed into signing up for the public event, and once on the retreat itself the barriers can be broken down and they can end the experience feeling a part of the group and committed to its future. Since a group formed in such a random manner tends to be particularly diverse in its makeup, bringing them together for a weekend allows some very important group building.

"handing off a youth"

When a group is in a less controlled setting, where it is easy for a youth to get lost or disconnected from the rest of the group, assign each youth to an adult. Adults and youth should know that each youth should be within eyesight of one of the adults and the adult needs to know that they are responsible for that youth. Kids can't just drift from one group to another without a clear “hand-off.” In other words, if a youth wants to go with another group or one group decides to do one thing and another group wants to do something else so that some shuffling is reasonable and acceptable, one adult agrees to pass the youth to the other group and the other adult agrees to accept the youth. This needs to be explicit even if very informal. It is easy for the receiving adult to not know they have a new assignment or the sending adult not know they are no longer responsible for a youth and waste time searching for the “missing” youth.

Dealing with put-downs.

This is a major issue with a youth program, but especially with middle/Junior High School youth. The early adolescent age group are uniformly at a point where they care how they are treated but aren't at a point when they can understand the reciprocal – that other people also care how they are treated. In other words the are sensitive to how the are treated, but insensitive in their treatment of others. We can be frustrated and disturbed by such behavior, but we cannot easily change the situation.

Essentially, we need to change their behavior – but we cannot change their feelings or instincts. Spending a great deal of time on lessons about empathy will not help to any real extent. But you can teach them not to say certain kinds of things. You cannot teach them the theology of being inclusive, but you can teach them how in include others. They can learn to parrot certain words and phrases that seem to show they understand and then turn right around a zap someone in the group, because they don't see the connection (yet).

However, it does not hurt to have the lessons on empathy and inclusion. Someday (about 10^th grade) it will click and everything fall into place. In the meantime there are certain strategies for keeping them from hurting each other.

• Do not put down a youth who has done a put down
• Do not (publicly) defend a youth that has been put down (this makes the situation worse).
• In group settings give generic examples of things that should not be said or done.
• Make them conscious of when they have turned their backs on a youth. Just manipulate the group to open up the circle.
• Set up a group cue, either visual or verbal that reminds everyone that they are not to give put downs, that, without drawing direct attention to a put down the group knows that one has occurred.
• Retraining behavior takes time and practice. Be patient and good natured about working on the problem.

withdrawn and shy youth

For the withdrawn and excessively shy youth:

• Of course, don't harass or draw attention to them or push too hard.
  
• Use small groups which match this person with someone that is inclusive and sensitive.
  
• Find a special skill they have and use it, giving them public recognition for it.
  
• Find a special interest you can engage them and those around them in talking about.
  
• Let them be drawn in little by little – don't try to move too quickly.
  
• Is there a youth in the group that can act as a shepherd or guide for a shy friend?
  
• Can you get them to go on an overnight trip or retreat? (These make all the difference in the world!)
  

When a group is really wild and unpleasant one week

If a group is wild one week, don't label them and expect it to be this way from that point on. Every week is a new world. Help other leaders to gain this perspective.

New member classes

Get on the agenda for a presentation at new member classes. This is a special time to get to know new people to the church.

• If any have youth or soon-to-be youth, detail the appropriate programs
• If any seem to be good candidates for youth leaders, try to get to them before every other group and organization in the church
• And conversely, if your instincts tell you that you don't want one of them within 50 feet of any of your youth, mark that name!
• Try to make the program seem vital and important for the work of the church so that even if they will not be directly involved, they will at least be sympathetic and encouraging.

Nothing beats a phone call

There are so many ways of communicating with youth these days, and as I have said in other posts, we need to use them all. Still, nothing beats a personal phone call. I tried to have a real, person to person phone call (cell phones or land line) with every youth every so often. I would use an upcoming event as the excuse for calling them, but after giving the invitation and before they could get into rattling off any excuses for not coming, I'd change subjects asking them something about there life “how's school going this semester,” “are you going out for track this year,” “how's the new choir director at school,” etc.

Kidnap Retreat

[This will be an extended discussion with multiple posts over time]

A retreat is a particularly good way to start a program year and this idea is a good way assure that you get a good turnout at the retreat. In brief, plan a simple startup activity which requires a sign-up that will attract a large percentage of the potential group. Then arrange secretly with the parents to "kidnap" the youth for a full, first-class weekend retreat following the publicized event.

Youth room renovation challenge

Something to try in order to stir things up a bit: Make redecorating a youth room or complex a contest.

• If it is a single room have randomly selected teams submit designs to be voted on by the whole group. You can allow or disallow adult help, as feels right
  
• If there are multiple rooms that can be included, have teams assigned to specific rooms and submit designs for those rooms
  
  • If you are really brave, you can, in TV reality show fashion have teams actually do the redecoration in secret and then have one grand “reveal.”
    
  • You might assign an interior decorator from the congregation to each team, with the instruction that they are to advise and help with technical items but the youth must do the actual design.
    
• Control over the projects can be had by establishing in advance spending limits and any out of bounds activities (removing walls, putting in a hot tub...)
  

Younger youth "runners" (kids that escape)

When you have a younger youth disappear of course it is a bigger deal than when a high school youth takes off. In this case, I am less inclined to call the parents. Like it or not, we cannot disavow responsibility like we can an 18 year old. Also, parents are more likely to go ballistic and be less understanding. As I've said elsewhere they will blame you and after they get them home blame the kid. Everyone loses. If you cannot find them in 1/2 hour or so, they may be going home and you'll need to call the parent before they get there. Explain carefully how they got away unnoticed.

• It is important to find them, no matter what it takes.
  
• Do not stop everything and make a broad search with everyone. You and whatever adults you can spare while keeping the other youth occupied. You want to keep everything low key.
  
• First check the bathrooms (someone needs to go in in case the kid is hiding in a stall and not responding to queries. After that there are no hints on where to look unless there is food somewhere.
  
• When you find them, explain to them that it is scary to you when they disappear. You worry about them until you know they are safe.