Child raising: The child is the exception – for good or ill

If a bad behavior is condoned in other children by their parents (“isn't that cute”) but not for their own children

• the child is likely to view the rule as unfair and adopt an everyone-for-themselves attitude.
• They also will tend to hide things from their parents

On the other had if bad behavior is viewed by the parent as ok for the youth but not for other children

• the child is likely to view themselves as exceptions to all rules.
• As I've commented elsewhere, if a youth worker is a parent of a child in the group, they have to be very careful not to apply rules more strictly on their child or to make their child exceptions. This is incredibly destructive to all parties.
• One reason I've always been hesitant to turn to a parent when a youth is “out of control” is that I can never be sure what the parental response will be: take the kind home and beat him/her, to blame me or someone else, or both, and, always, pull the youth out of the program.

Moral Codes at home

If there is a logical and consistent moral code at home, even if it is imperfectly implemented, the youth is likely to accept and adopt it.

• When a family discusses moral issues and recognizes the difficulty of living up to some of the standards. For example when a TV show shows disregard and stereotypes for certain classes of people (gender, social strata, etc) and the family points out the wrongness of this disregard or stereotyping, the youth will learn to recognize and oppose such attitudes
• When rational boundaries are given for a moral standard, such as “the government sets age limits for alcohol and we observe these” and/or “research shows that alcohol has serious long term effect on youth and children the younger the youth are when they start drinking the more damage is done,” [This is a true fact] reason will convince the youth.
• If exceptions are discussed and agreed to or rejected, this makes the exceptions rational and acceptable to the youth.

Child raising: A consistent moral code in the home

If the moral code in the home is inconsistent, what the youth learns and what moral code they will be directed by varies.

• Rules that are applied to other people and other families but not to their own, teaches the youth to not value such rules at all. (The classic example of this is ragging about “welfare cheats” when the family fudges on tax forms.)
• If the youth is expected to live by rules (such as no lying) that the parent doesn't live by, the youth are likely to reject the rules as unfair.
• Hypocrisy is commonly rejected by the child unless the parent admits the problem but excuses it by saying that they want their child to do better than they have done. This takes it out of the realm of “hypocrisy.”

Child raising: permissive vs harsh?

I've seen too many “problem children” raised in both kinds of households and too many “ideal children” raised in both kinds of households. Any blanket statements, besides being disproved through research also are clearly not true from common observation. Unfortunately our prejudices cloud our vision. If we want to see “problems” or “ideal” as being related to permissiveness or strict upbringing, we'll see only those cases that confirm our prejudices.

Research generally shows that the two extremes are both problematic. [one interesting side example: children from permissive households that do drugs at all tend toward hallucinogenic type drugs, and children from harsh households that do drugs at all tend toward Heroin based drugs.]

For this blog I'd like to focus on some aspects of moral environment and its affect on the children.

Getting to know their home life

If it is important to know their home life how do you get to know it?

• Periodically meet with parents
• Have gatherings of parents or of their age group
• Meet with youth individually and ask how things are going, including school and home
• When a youth says something that seems revealing don't guess, ask them what they mean

Know their home life

Not just in general “a broken home” or a “mean mother” or whatever broad and probably inaccurate characteristics. You need to know the parents and you need to know how they are interacting with their children at that moment. As we've discussed before, youth change and change on a dime. But so do the adults. “Perfect” relationships can fall apart at any moment and terrible relationships can be repaired at any moment. We cannot take things for granted. When a youth makes a comment about their parents, is it just a random comment they really don't take seriously? Is it a natural comment based on the youth's development? Is it a reflection of a single dispute that will soon pass or be resolved? Is it a common problem?

• It is important not to react immediately to anything.
• If it is repeated or come up again, it may be significant
• Explore gently with the usual “oh?” or “How bad?” or “Is this something new?” or other open ended questions that can be interpreted by the youth in whatever way they need to interpret it
• Consider what you know of the youth and of the parents to decide how much weight and slant to put on the statement
• Carefully show that you believe the youth (and do believe them, even if you think there is a context that makes it seem less than or other than what it seems on the surface).
  • Even if they lie frequently, it is dangerous to get into the habit of not believing them – the one time they are telling the truth is the one time you have to believe them
  • Discount for hyperbole and youthful drama but look for the kernel of truth
  • Believing them does not mean automatically calling 911
  • If it is an important enough issue, such as physical abuse, gently suggest that the only reasonable reaction is for the two of you to go get help. If there is panic in their eyes as they say, “no, I didn't mean that...” then you probably need to get them help. If they look, frustrated (as in “you idiot, that's not what I meant”) then you might stop and explore the subject more.

Jealous parents?

Keep in mind yourself and help parents understand that kids can love you in addition to, not instead of, their parents. You are not in competition for their affections.

Parent Forums

Try having parent forums that are centered on the parents and their sharing with each other.

• There needs to be a topic, something that can be publicized and draw people to the meeting.
• But it is the sharing part parents need and want.
• But they won't come to something publicized as a "sharing session."
• Have a few seed questions related to the topic to throw out to get things started.
• Intervene or instruct only when absolutely needed.  Save the instructions to other meetings.  
• Or start the meeting with data, then slide into open forum.

Parents as people

Have programs and casual discussions with the youth about a parent's perspective. Help them to see things as their parents do. Have a “Parents as People” session where they come to realize that parents have feelings also.
You might do a “quiz” to see how much they know about their parents: first date, jobs they've had, what sports did they play, were they in a band (of any sort), etc

Youth Sports

There is not much we can do about the negative aspects of youth sports. It is a part of our culture. Yes, they start way too young; yes, the coaches and parents are often out of control; yes, most youth are involved in way too many activities and sports; yes, it is offensive for sports to happen on Sunday morning or so early on Sunday afternoon that it eliminates church. But we are not going to have a major impact on changing this. A few thoughts about what a church can do:

• Have coaches' and parent's forums to teach good practices and use the forums as social pressure for good behavior
• Encourage a sense of experimentation for children and younger youth – trying out various sports, learning the basics. Let them become serious when they hit High School
• Be alert to physiological issues for a child/youth: wincing in pain when the move wrong; swollen joints; signs of exhaustion; depression caused by their sport. Report to the parent.
• Gently ask questions about the appropriateness of a particular sport for a particular youth: If their parents are both under 5'10” question whether basketball is the best sport for them.
• If the athletic event is important enough, cut them some slack about coming late or leaving early for a church event. I usually push back with the parent as much as possible but eventually allow it.  I have had parents drive an hour each way twice to retrieve their child from a confirmation retreat and then return them after the match. I have had parents apologize later and regret having their child miss part or all of the church event
• I once had a family get a schedule changed: the youth was a star for the team, they could not win without him. The family told the coach that they would not miss church.  Period, final. Somehow the schedule for that team managed to miss Sunday mornings. :)

Kids love their parents

Help parents understand that no matter how stormy a relationship might be at the moment that their children love them. The situation where the child actually doesn't love a parent is RARE – they may be really, really mad at them and want to disown them, but the instinctive love is still there.

Find time to talk to parents singly and collectively.

This was not one of my strengths.  I didn't always find the time to meet with them collectively.  Because of my conviction that the youth and I needed to work out our own issues without running to the parents, I didn't always bring the parents in either.
However, parents need to be kept informed.  If you meet with Parents collectively you can answer all questions at the same time rather than the same questions time and time again.  It also helps if they all hear the same things at the same time, so if there is a misunderstanding, other parents can straighten them out.
Individually, it is instinct more than anything, but if there seems to be something the parents don't know but need to know and it is not betraying the youth, then meet with the parents.  It may be that the kid is much better than than the parents are giving him/her credit for.

The task of Adolescence is to become independent: Implication #2

It is important to help parents to accept the process of independence, letting go but not too soon or too easily. This can be done in parenting classes, counseling sessions and casual conversations. This is hard for parents and a never ending process of adjustment. I use the analogy of horse training. The horse (youth) is put on a close tether and then as they walk around the course slowly they are given more and more rope (freedom) until they have it down and the tether can be omitted.

With teens, they need to be on a short leash as a 6^th grader, but given freedom slowly until by the end of their Senior year they are on their own.

Even for things a parent doesn't have any problem with, there should be resistance from the parent, on principle. As an example: Facebook

• The parent should wait for it to come up, not offer it
• Initially resist it as if it was a big deal.
• After a reasonable amount of whining and “everybody does it” sit down and negotiate limits and practices
• Then relent

The task of Adolescence is to become independent: Implication #1

They need to establish their personality during this time. This means that they will, as mentioned in other posts, experiment with different personalities “trying them on for size.” Parents and others may need help in understanding that this is normal and needs to be channeled not squelched. “Out of character” actions and responses are actually normal and to be expected.

When someone is out to get you

If there is a group or person out to get you, keep your supervisor informed, get her/his perspective, try to get to the heart of your antagonist's antipathy.

1. Can it be ameliorated without sacrificing something core to your being or ministry?
   
2. Do they need an apology?
   
3. Does the situation require a face to face meeting with the other person, you and your supervisor? (Never alone!)
   
4. Can you just wait them out? Enemies usually will die, move or get tired of the project. The problem probably has to do with their children not getting what they wanted. When will these children graduate?
   
5. Weigh the value of your ministry there against the aggravation. Actually aggravation shouldn't have anything to do with it – it is matter of what is best for Christ's church.
   

Having your own children in a group

Often it is unavoidable to work with your own children, but...

• Actually it is best if parents do not work directly with their own children, even though this is unavoidable in many situations. Parent instincts are very strong and hard to counter!
  
• I always told my counselors, young and old that for the course of the event, they were not related to anyone at the event. Act like it.
  
• The rules about favoritism apply here.
  

Perceptions

Differences in perceptions are an ongoing problem in life in general but especially in youth ministry.

• Perceptions by youth or parents may be negative or harmful and yet have no real basis in fact, but as far as they are concerned they are real. Simply saying they aren't true will not dissuade.
  
• I have seen a number of cartoons about the fact that no matter what your age the youth view you as old and their parents will view you as young (or, in my case, immature).
  
• It is hard to tell exactly what a person's perception of a situation is without asking. We can't read their minds. If their actions/reactions seem to not fit a situation or be an over-reaction, it may be from a misperception that can be cleared up.  Ask.

Parents and Discipline problems

When do you involve parents when a child is a discipline problem?

• As much as possible, avoid taking discipline problems to parents. Parents always say that they want to know if their child gets out of line, but they really don't mean it. Maybe 20% of the parents can handle a complaint, but you can't predict beforehand which are which. Sometimes the calmest most rational parent will flip out when their child is criticized.
  
  • The parents probably already have enough problems with the child and don't need you adding to the list.
    
  • The parents feel it is your job to solve your own problems.
    
  • It is embarrassing to them and they feel like a failure, which they don't like feeling and will blame you for making them feel that way.
    
  • The “protect the cubs from harm” instinct may kick in.
    
  • Even though they may attack you for attacking their child, they probably will take the child home and inflict serious punishment upon them, which hurts your relationship with the child.
    
• If a parent is going to hear about a problem regardless (police, sibling, rumor mill) then you do need to get to them first.
  
  • Don't just report the infraction, but report: “you may hear about … but [kid's name] and I have talked and worked out a solution. Everything is under control.”
    
  • Be sympathetic and listen if they need to talk, regardless if they attack or shed tears. “You and I have the same goal...”
    

Why parents sometimes attack us

Parents have an instinctive need to protect their cubs from threat or danger. However, since they no longer have to protect their children from Sabre Tooth Tigers, this instinct sometimes thrashes around looking for something/anything to protect the children from. This may be a teacher, a coach, … or you. This instinct can be fierce (it varies from parent to parent) and quite irrational. If a parent suddenly lays into you over some trivial matter that offended their child, just listen and then shrug it off, do any damage control possible. They can't help themselves.

Support parents

Say and believe that your job is to support the family not oppose it. No matter what happens, you cannot replace the parents. Your job is to supplement their parenting not hinder them.

Many parents worry about your judging them, that you know too much about them and their family (and only from the child's perspective), that you will encourage their children to oppose them, or even come between them and their children.

• These attitudes can be irrational but very real. You have to work at countering these ideas.
  
• No matter what you may know or suspect, be kind and loving to parents and show no signs of knowing anything other than what can be seen publicly.
  
• Keep in mind that there are at least two sides to every story. If you have only heard one perspective you do not have the complete picture.