When to refer youth with problems

When confronted with youth with seeming deep emotional problems:

• Few front-line youth workers have the time and training to do deep, long-term counseling. However, because we love them and believe ourselves to be competent, we are often slow to refer a youth or parents to professional counselors.
  
• Our job, most often, is “triage” – we try to determine whether they simply need a psychological or spiritual “band-aid,” which we can provide, or they have deep wounds that need to be treated by a specialist.
  
• When in doubt, refer.
  
• Currently, cross gender counseling is not likely. Find someone of the opposite gender that you trust and send youth of that gender there.
  

Working with our own misperceptions

Working with our own misperceptions:

• Recognize that youth, when uncomfortable or uncertain about a situation convey an attitude that doesn't reflect their true feelings. This can just be a defense mechanism in case they or their peers don't end up liking it.
  
• Some youth may be preoccupied with other concerns and troubles but appear externally as if they don't like you or your program even though the program doesn't have anything to do with it.
  
• Some youth who seem indifferent or who seem to make the youth program a low priority may actually value you or your program way beyond your imagination – their lives are not their own and driven by external forces (parents).
  
• Some kids roll their eyes in reaction to things you say or do. There may or may not be meaning behind this action. It is sometimes helpful to comment, privately, about how it makes you feel when you see that. They may be surprised to know that they had done it and how your feel.
  
• Some youth's “face at rest” – their default facial expression – is sour or bored or sad looking. These looks mean nothing at all and should not be taken seriously.
  
• It is difficult to challenge our own misperceptions so we need an outside objective source of information to check our perceptions against.
  
• Looking back and seeing when we misperceived things in the past helps us avoid making the same mistake.

Confirmation program classes

If you have formal class sessions as a part of a confirmation program:

• Recognize that that kids will have to miss a lot of sessions. Plan each session to be independent and decide when/how to do make up for essentials. Some youth will have to miss whole seasons because of sports.
• Don't assume they know anything in particular.
• Make sure the lessons are developmentally appropriate for the age.

Surprises: taking care of details

One aspect of planning is to double check the who, what, when and where questions about a destination or event. One of the easiest problems is one of scheduling – to arrive at an ice cream parlor an hour after it has closed is to invite disappointment rather than pleasure.

• Businesses and organizations often have erratic schedules, change schedules seasonally, or for no apparent reason. Just because someone told you that a place was open at a certain time does not mean it will be open when you want to go there.
• Another issue is to make sure that you know where you are going – to show up at Utica Bowls, a ceramics shop, will not have the same impact on most groups as arriving at Utica Bowl, a bowling alley.
• Having an appropriate destination for a particular group is also an issue. A desired activity may only be available in a particular place that is not acceptable to the youth or to their parents. A Laser-tag parlor in an "adult entertainment area" might not go over well with some churches. These sorts of things are rather localized and dependent on knowing your group. Some groups can comfortably go into areas that other groups wouldn't think of trying. Doing a generic questioning of a few parents to get a sense of acceptability helps greatly. At the advice of a parent, for example, I put off a particular Unknown Destination for a couple of years until we had done enough of them that parents felt confident enough to not worry about their child's safety.
• Even small things need to be checked in advance. One "spontaneous" activity I introduced at a Canoe camp that began with a day long, miserable rain, was using a field for a mud slide. It was great fun and a real surprise for the group when I took off running, threw myself on the ground and slid 30 feet across the field. But this wouldn't have been fun if someone had slid into a spike or rock. Before the campers had arrived, I had checked out the field and the rest of the camp site – not with a mud slide in mind but just to check out the environment and to look for hazards and opportunities.
• Usually surprises require extra leadership – or at least extra drivers. These leaders/drivers do not necessarily have to be in on the surprise but they should be capable leaders that can improvise as necessary. In some situations the person in charge may have to be dealing with problems or issues involving the surprise and cannot be involved with the youth. It is therefore important to have adults capable of doing a good job of working creatively with the youth.
• We've all been in situations where the best laid plans go astray or need extra attention. It is important to have a person ready to either work out the problem or to keep the group moving in a positive direction. Someone on the team of leaders needs to be free enough from other responsibilities to handle the details.
• If the surprise is away from home it is important to have all the necessary supplies and equipment to be self sufficient. One technique I use is to have a pair of (very heavy!) catalog cases fully loaded with supplies: from balloons to string, games, Bibles and song books. This way I don't have to stop and think this issue through and pack each time we go anywhere. Even if you are going to a "retreat" setting where you would expect to find things like pencils and Bibles, it is a crisis to get there and then find out that something important is not there.

Have some kind of “report back” to the congregation from major events, especially if there was fund raising for it.

• Use a “Moment for Mission” in worship, to highlight youth activities and missions.
  
• Host a thank-you dinner with presentation about the trip (press the youth to plan the presentation carefully, such presentations tend to be unprepared and extemporaneous and therefore inarticulate, long and boring if not embarrassing).
  
• Run a PowerPoint presentation continuously in the Narthex.
  
• Create a picture board in the Narthex or halls. Creating this is a good project for a youth not otherwise involved.
  

When you “fall in love with” or are physically attracted to a youth

Of course this is a complicated topic and every situation is different (yeah, yeah) and generalizations will often be written off as mere generalizations. Whole books can be written on the subject. However, I will take a stab at reducing this topic to practical “hints.” Be sure to check my other hints on appropriate behavior (use the topical index to isolate those hints). 
I will present here a variety of hints on how to deal with inappropriate feelings. Not all will be useful for any one person. Find the ones that work for you.
I should also point out that although historically this has been viewed as a male issue, we are discovering that it is also a female leader's concern. There are differences, but a lot of the hints are equally applicable without reference to gender and because of the variations in humans I think it would not be possible to say that one hint is only applicable to one gender. Although I generally post one or two hints at a time, I will post all my (current) thinking on this subject all at once.

One item that is not on this list is “will power” as in, “just be strong and ignore your feelings.” Will power is a not a reliable strategy.

• Keep in mind that we humans can talk ourselves into anything. No matter how unreasonable or improper or … anything, we can decide that it is somehow reasonable. We need outside criteria or judgments to challenge our wishes.
• If you were to reveal your feelings to: a spouse, supervisor, confident, or almost anyone else, would they agree with your wishes or take you up side the head? If the latter, then you know that your wishes are stupid, no matter how strong they are.
• Keep in mind that any adolescent “in love” with you:
  • is an adolescent and can fall out of love with you in a heart beat. This can leave you hanging out to dry, as they say.
  • It is likely that power relationships may be a primary factor: people often are attracted to people in power. This is the classic “sexual abuse” scenario. This isn't love and it is totally inappropriate to take advantage of your power over them.
  • may have a hidden agenda. Some youths, even seemingly innocent youths, can have really dark and manipulative motives. You just can't trust a situation where you can be the victim.
  • has (not probably – this is a given) an unrealistic and idealized view of you. You are not who they are in love with, but an imaginary you. If you allow them to play out their fantasies they may be horrified by the real you.
  • because you may be a “safe” object of their love. They may not trust their peers or have had a bad experience with one or more peer, or they are new and inexperienced at this “love” stuff and they fall in love with someone they can trust to not do anything. Younger adolescent are most likely to look for safe loves. Again, they really don't want you to act on their admiration.
• Your view of the youth is probably idealized and a fantasy, rather than based on reality. It is fine to fantasize, but don't don't take it seriously.
• It is not reasonable to work under the assumption that a relationship can be kept a secret. No matter how hard you plan, somehow it will be leaked/guessed/revealed. Then what?
• You think you can talk your way out of any situation. Ha! Not in the current environment.
• You are in love? So what? You and they have a long life ahead – you both will love again (and again, and again). If this is not a reasonable permanent relationship – and it is not – let it go. Heartache is beside the point and quite endurable
• Picture your relationship in 10 years; in 30 years; in 50 years. What will it look like. If you care for the kid, are you willing to subject them to pain and misery later in life?
• Are you willing to sacrifice your career, family, way of life for an adolescent?

Unpacking vehicles on a trip

When unpacking a vehicle or vehicles at an overnight stop, at the destination or at the end of the trip:

• Allow people to remove their travel items (backpack, pillows, etc) then either have everyone or a large subgroup return for unpacking the vehicle(s).
  
• Allow no one to dig for their own bags. This is contrary to human nature and a real learning experience for the youth and a trial for the adults.
  
• Each person is to “grab and go:” grab a bag or armload and carry it into the building, depositing it in a large area such as a foyer, then returning for another load.
  
• Some adult should supervise the unloading while another keeps sending the youth back out.
  
• When a group gets the idea this can be very efficient and quick.
  
• When the entire vehicle are unloaded, including your stuff and the group's common items, show the youth their living spaces and let them find their personal belongings and move in.
  
• Help those who left something in a vehicle. They can pick up and bring in the trash while they are at it.
  

Some quick tips on doing a broadly graded youth group

The basic principle of running a broadly graded youth group is obvious: emphasize similarities and avoid the differences.

• Parties, extended discussions, “party” games, group-mixing techniques tend to emphasize the differences among the ages represented
• Work and service projects and small group studies where the youth choose their own groupings and loosely structured retreats tend to emphasize or at least allow for the similarities.

Another thing that might be helpful is to take advantage of the natural hierarchical structure that will develop within the group.

• Explicitly talk to the older youth about their role as examples for the younger youth. It is by watching the older youth that younger youth learn how a youth group functions and how they are to behave. A corrective instruction from another youth is far more effective than coming from an adult.
• Allow, even encourage, the older youth to provide leadership to the younger youth
• Let the older youth provide the teaching and group discussions with the younger youth
• Assign an older youth to be a mentor for a younger youth

Contrary to common practice, in a heterogeneous group like a broadly graded group, cliques are helpful. The one requirement when breaking into compatible groups is that everyone is to be included without hesitation. Younger youth will not naturally do this but it can be made explicit, or an adult or older youth can insert a youth that is likely to be left out into a group, without saying anything:”Joe, why don't you go over with Ken and Barbie,” or “Jill, why don't you and I go over to this group.”

Noisy Youth rooms (or classrooms)

Think about acoustics. If a group of younger youth are in a “live” room the noise can be deafening (literally). Carpets, wall hangings, soft furniture all help behavior by reducing the chaos caused by too much noise, which makes everyone crazy.

Surprises: Good Advanced Planning

The first danger of surprise activities is the instinctive feeling that since no one but the leader knows exactly what is going to happen, it doesn't need to be planned as thoroughly as other activities. We sometimes feel that one of the benefits of a surprise is that one can fly by the seat of one's pants – that this might even be advantageous, adding to the surprise.However, exactly the opposite is true. Surprises must be planned more carefully than normal events.

• Kids and parents will feel uncertain and somewhat uncomfortable with the unknown aspect of the event and need the assurance that everything has been worked out carefully. If parents are already uncertain about what is going to happen with their child, they don't need to feel that the leader also is uncertain.
• Since we all have a limit on how many different concerns and situations we can deal with at any one given time, kids, parents and leaders and you will have a more difficult time dealing appropriately with problems and unanticipated elements that arise. When "flying by the seat of your pants," additional problems or concerns can overload a person's thinking and important details can be overlooked.
• Similarly, in the rare event that a family has an emergency situation while a group is on a surprise outing, if no one back home has the itinerary and contact information for this trip, even the most tolerant family may overreact -- the least disruptive thing the family may do is be furious.
• Another factor about surprise activities that dictates planning, is that expectations are higher than for many "normal" activities, so it is important that everything has been planned to live up to these expectations. I have, a couple of times, been caught on a surprise event with not quite enough to fill the time. In these situations the kids were very impatient with attempts to mark time.

Dealing with discrepancies in a youth's life

As mentioned in previous posts, youth naturally and unconsciously compartmentalize different aspects of their lives. They don't see or recognize the discrepancies – some are seriously and sincerely religious, at youth group events, but run with a wild crowd that engages in “risky” behavior [what a euphemism!]. They do not view themselves as hypocrites, these are unrelated activities. This is a developmental issue and cannot be easily overcome.

• It is usually not helpful to directly confront a specific youth with the discrepancies in their life.
  
• They will feel you are over reacting, that it isn't as bad as you are making it out to be and they will feel that this is an “invasion of privacy.” They may accuse you of “stalking” them because you aren't supposed to know that part of their life (even though they talk about it right there in your presence).
  
• They will be mortified and confused and since they don't like that feeling, blame you for making them feel that way.
  

Later I will address some kind of positive response. But the main solution is not to reject them or harass them but wait it out.

Some keys to getting youth in worship

As I've said elsewhere, it is imperative for the youth's future church involvement to get them attending worship regularly. Here are a few hints on making it less painful.

• It is reasonable for the youth workers of a church to be on the front line in trying to make corporate worship more child/youth friendly.
• Establish a spot in the Sanctuary (perhaps in the balcony) where you and any youth in attendance can sit together. Note passing, doodling, etc is allowed in that section.
• Negotiate with the powers that be to regularly use youth as liturgists, song leader, whatever, in regular worship services.

Disruptive youth

In group settings, there are all kinds of disruptive youth and all kinds of reasons for their being disruptive.

• Some of these issues may be a result of cultural differences and the way a youth was raised. Try to figure out when this is the case. Meeting the parents will probably help on this. It is important to respect cultural differences as well as personality differences while including and integrating each into the larger group.
  
• Since we cannot read minds and probably aren't in a position to do a full psychological evaluation, worry more on behavior than trying to figure out what is driving a person to behave badly.
  
• They'll be more posts about specific behavioral issues later.
  

Two variations on Game night

• Take a game book, have someone call out a random number, turn to that page and do the game.
  
• Have a game night where you put lots of sports equipment and miscellaneous junk out and have teams create new games from the materials.

Broadly graded youth groups: Reasons to do it

Sometimes a broadly graded youth group is a good solution or at least a necessary one. Again, a small group is not one of the reasons. However, a group with a hole in it for one one or two classes can justify making a larger grouping. The issue is then doing it well. See my coming post on how to do broadly graded.

A particular church may have “always done it that way” and the resistance to change is too great to overcome (soon – keep pushing :) ). Other reasons for grouping is if the younger youth are all related to the older youth and grouping them makes it easier for the families; the Primary classes are broadly graded and the youth are used to working together and know each other well. Sometimes you have a youth leader who likes and is skilled at working with a broad range of ages and development.

Think carefully about large groupings.

A discouraging youth group

Sometimes a group of youth will get discouraged and discouraging.

• Maybe it is time to reinvent, recreate, or find something to distract them from their doldrums.
  
• Being explicit and discussing what you see happening with a high school group can help.
  
• There will be good years and bad years. Enjoy the good years, survive the bad years.
  
• Don't bemoan a hard to get along with group or wish they were like some previous group. You'll just make the situation worse.
  

Koosh get acquainted game

Koosh get acquainted game: (See my links page for information about Koosh balls)

• A koosh or other soft ball is tossed from person to person calling out their name
  
  • Everyone has to remember who threw them them ball and who they threw it to.
    
  • Make sure that in every round they clearly call out the name of the person they are throwing to
    
• follow the same pattern but time them.
  
  • Point out that they get better times if they throw the ball gently rather than pegging the person.
    
  • Do this several times trying to better their times
    
• Do it in reverse
  
• Doing it forward again, add additional kooshi (I like to have koosh hidden on my body and suddenly pulling out additional koosh to put in the mix) keeping 2-3 going in the same pattern, including the calling out of names. This can get quite chaotic, which is part of the fun.
  

Board games

Have a tub of board games in the youth room. Taboo is a popular one because they get to buzz each other. You should never have to actually buy board games. If you even whisper in a back room the need for board games you may be buried in donations.I also kept small versions in the catelog cases I took on trips.

Crazy Olympics

We had a large amorphous group of non-competitive relays that we lumped together under the label of “Crazy Olympics.” Whenever that term was used it was understood and everyone looked forward to it. Some sample events: “Low Hurdles” (the Limbo), “The Anti-dash” (who can go the slowest without stopping), “The Sleeping Bag Relay” (each contestant puts a sleeping bag over their entire body and runs to a destination and back, guided by the shouts of their team mates, blowing a balloon across the room with a straw, "Ping Pong Soccer" (for people with lower sensibilities: Ping Pong ball on a table, two teams on opposite sides.  They are to try to blow the ball off the opposing team's side.  A lot of spitting goes on...), "Discus" (with either a real Frisbee, or a playground spot) -- go for distance or accuracy; Javelin (with straws); "Balloon release" (contestants blow up a balloon and release it from a starting line, the balloon that travels the furthest toward the finish line wins.)

Surprises: The CROP Walk challenge

The Crop Walk Challenge

This is not, on the surface, a surprise activity, but rather an example of how a program that serves other, more noble purposes, can be jazzed up by adding surprise elements to it. The program, as I have done it, is to challenge each youth group to try to top me in raising pledges for the Crop Walk (a national "Walk-a-thon" for hunger relief). The loser then needs to throw a party for the winner. A result of the challenge is then much larger funds for C.R.O.P. and some fun through teasing and posturing between leader and youth as to who will win.

The surprise enters in when I lose the contest (I'll lose roughly half the time). My parties then can be unusual or surprising. The first time in my current situation I had the Surprise Breakfast. The second time, I hired a DJ and had a dance. The next time? Probably the Find the Party Scavenger Hunt. The youth know that if they win they will receive a memorable if unexpected party.

Problems and Pitfalls:

The "winners" should be the whole group, not just those who directly participated in the fund raising efforts. This is difficult and may generate discussion. In fact, some parents may forbid their children to join the party if they did not work for the fund raising effort. I lean toward inclusion on everything, but in this particular event it is important to recognize that some youth may not have been able to participate in the fund raising effort. And if you pick up a few fringe kids (as will happen with something like the Surprise Breakfast), why not?  Avoid being a literalist about the contest. If it is close and they think they won, admit defeat and give them the party.

Get acquainted games

Have an arsenal of “get acquainted” activities to use with a newly formed group. As a rule youth hate these but they are important because most kids like being referred to as “hey you” even less. Use naming activities regularly and in rotation until the group can name everyone in the group.

[Even though it is somewhat outside the policy of this blog, I may eventually post some of my favorite get acquainted games]

It's a group of bad kids...

Don't accept other people's warning about a group. Give the group a chance to be different for you than they were for the other person.  Be cautious about giving too much negative information to others about a group.  The problem may be a bad pattern of interactions between one leader and the group of youth rather than "bad kids."

(Final) reasons for surprises: #8

Finally, many surprise activities are good opportunities for interactions with young people – everything from joking with them about the surprise event to time in deep discussion. Events that take everyone away from the normal and usual are especially good times for youth to open up and discuss things that they would not talk about "back home."

Broadly graded youth groups: General comments

Generally speaking I do not like broadly graded youth groups. Classes are another matter, but broadly graded does not work as well with a “youth group.” The biggest downside is the obvious one – the developmental differences between 6^th graders and 12^th graders is enormous. “Shooting for the middle” or the average, means that the 6^th graders are clueless and the 12^th graders are bored. There are solutions to this, which I'll present later, but it is not easy. Small numbers of youth are not a reason for broadly graded: If you have even 3 Middle Schoolers and 2-3 High School youth, I recommend splitting the group. However, I'll later give reasons why and when to go Broadly graded in a later post.

Some documents that are available

I can't remember if I've mentioned this or not but I have a couple of documents on the "Documents" page of this blog.  The two newest ones are a list of items in a first aid kit, and the other is a "Sound Scavenger Hunt."
There is also a farewell letter to my last youth group, a complete, detailed spelling out of how to do a Youth Sunday service.

The Van seat shuffle

Sometimes I require that the youth “shuffle” themselves at each stop on the way out for a major trip, with some of them shifting from vehicle to vehicle and others moving to different seats. There is always a lot of griping and complaining, but I don't argue or try to force the issue, but I just keep saying “you know why this is important, I just trust that you will do the right thing.” They usually do what is needed.

Youth Room media system

A few hints for setting up a youth room media system:

• It needs to include all the options: TV, DVD, CD (remember those things?), external music source, game consoles and inputs
• Mark clearly, with bright nail polish,  a maximum volume setting on the volume control.
• Have an easily accessible clearly marked “portable music player” input to the sound system.
• Have an easily accessible, clearly marked game input to the video system.
• Try to make it difficult to rewire the systems but provide all the various combinations built-in. (Everyone wants to rewire a system rather than take the time to figure out where they are supposed to plug something in.).  The best system is in a cabinet with a back that is screwed on.

Mission trip to defeated people

If the group is working with people of a lower economic/social class there are some basic attitudes that need to be kept in mind.

• First and foremost, they are not “inferior people,” or to be pitied. For the most part they have not chosen to be in the situation they are in, and it is never helpful to blame them for their situation.
• They may have become overwhelmed and given up, but if given respect and a head start on improving their situation, they'll probably take it from there. But that is not our responsibility and doing what we are asked to do is all we can expect to do.
• Rather than being condescending, we should give the people we're working with respect and appreciation. “Sir” and “Ma'am” can make people used to abuse feel better about themselves and this costs us nothing.

On unloading the bus

• have everyone set their personal stuff aside on the sidewalk, then have all or most of the group move the luggage from the bays away from the bus, probably on the sidewalk or ground near the bus.
  
• The idea is to get the bus driver out of there as soon as possible.
  
• Don't let people claim their own bags until the bus is emptied. The tendency is for everyone to go diving for their own stuff, which is inefficient and things get trashed. Everyone should “grab and go; come back for more”
  
• No youth can work from the street side of the bus if the bus is parked on the street.
  
• The bus driver will check the seats and overhead bins to make sure everything is off. Have someone work with the driver to collect trash and to identify the owners of the things left behind.
  

Leaving a group -- plan ahead

Until the time of your announcement, keep planning into the future. They may get suspicious if all your plans end on June 1.

• By planning things for after you are gone means you are not just abandoning them or leaving them in the lurch.
  
• It also means you will be more effective right up to the end, avoiding the tendency to slack off. As they say in baseball, you need to “swing through the ball, not just meet it.”
  

A Substitute Activity:

The Surprise:

Have an expected, truly enjoyable activity when a less attractive activity was publicized.

The activity can be as simple as a volleyball game or going out to eat, or as elaborate as a road trip to a concert or theme park.

Why do this Surprise?

• This becomes a reward for the faithful who come regardless of the activity.
• This will mute the common complaint of the regulars concerning those who only come for the "fun" activities.
• This will provide a little more incentive to come regularly, rather than miss a surprise activity like this.

How to do the Surprise:

As with everything else, the surprise should be thought through – is the destination actually available at this time? Are there enough drivers? Is there any special equipment needed?

If you are going to something that requires money, you or the church will need to provide that money, since many kids may come without cash and a few may come without discretionary funds available – they might not be able to afford it.

Finally, if the activity will require more time that they expect or will be taking them some distance from where the parents think their child is, have each youth call home to tell of the change of plans. In all cases when leaving the premises, leave a note on the door as to where you will be. It is also wise to have one driver hang back for 15 minutes to gather any stragglers.

What to Avoid:

• Replacing a program or activity that some of the youth really were looking forward to – if nothing else, at least promise to carry it out at another time.
• Having a substitute event that might not be appreciated by some of the youth or their parents (such as a Rock concert).

Variations:

• Start the stated meeting then break it in mid sentence and announce the change in plans.
• Start a tradition of surprise "road trips" that are randomly scattered through the year.
• After doing a few "road trips" take suggestions on where to go, what to do.

principles of ministry: Instinct vs knowledge and training

Instinct vs knowledge and training. This is rather philosophical for this blog, but is still an important topic for every youth worker to think about.

• Some people do have good instincts. But even the best will some instinctively do the wrong things, even a bad thing. Instinct needs to be tempered by reason
• Some people do not have good instincts and must rely on knowledge and training. These people often do less harm.
• Regardless of whether relying on instinct or conscious choice, decisions should always be made in advance so there is time to rethink, adjust or reject.
• One should always be thinking ahead: “if we do X, then these are the possible outcomes and consequences”
• Try to always have someone else around to double check your decisions
• Never plan on “winging it” even if you are good at that. You probably aren't as good at it as you think you are
• Sometimes we have to run on instinct because the situation wasn't as expected or planned, such as when someone is injured. However, if you have planned ahead, nailed down all that you can nail down, then your instinct can focus on the unexpected and not be overwhelmed by trying to decide too many things at once
• As I'll talk about in other posts, surprise activities need to be surprises to others, not you. They should be carefully planned out. (Favorite example: planning to surprise a group by taking them out for ice cream, only to get there and find that a) they're closed; b) they don't take credit cards)

Small Youth group activities

• Do not meet regularly and consistently. This can get discouraging
• Have a regular, perhaps monthly, special activity. The group can put together a list of such activities at the beginning of the year
• Make it clear that friends are invited to all activities
• Have spur of the moment outings
• Gather informally before or after congregational events
• Participate in congregational events together
• Have an event before or after school events such as a ball game or concert
• Go to the State Fair or a neighborhood carnival together
• Go to concerts together

Rules for driving vans

1. Use only drivers over 25 years of age.
   
2. Train the drivers on the basics of van driving. Have them test drive the van to get familiar with its blind-spots and handling. They are all different.
   
3. Do not overload or even fully load a van, keep the weight toward the front and do not put anything on top.
   
4. For highway driving, a traditional 15 passenger van should not carry more than 11 fully grown people.
   
5. Maintain the van carefully, especially the tires.
   
6. Vans do not like going sideways. Avoid even the possibility. Keep in mind centrifugal force. Curves are the most dangerous. Lane changes are the next most dangerous.
   
7. KEEP THE PASSENGERS BELTED. Whether they like it or not.
   
8. Make sure the driver is rested and alert.
9. Stop and change drivers every 2 hours. (With that many bladders, you'll probably have to stop that often anyway...)
10. Have someone riding “shotgun” who'll talk to the driver and handle communication with passengers and with other vehicles in the caravan.

In case of snow:

If case of snow, don't cancel, just adjust:

• Plastic table cloth sledding
• Snow fort building contest
• Set up a hot chocolate stand on the street for passer-byes
• Snow angels; think of other images that can be put in the snow
• Snow ice cream (avoid the yel... you that already)
• Grab snow shovels and earn the group some money clearing sidewalks
• Other ideas?

Reasons for surpirses: #7

If the surprise activities are successful, it will encourage kids to come to regular events - because there might be a surprise and they do not want to be left out. Some surprises are "entry level" activities for outsiders and the inactive. Things such as the surprise breakfast, or one of the parties makes it easy for someone to "go along just to see what is happening" without any obligation or sense of connectedness. Of course it is up to the regular group at the surprise to make a connection during the event!

Lost and found

Lost clothes and other items accumulate rapidly. Have a policy of periodically advertizing what has been left and then dispose of the items, probably to the area community clothes closet. These things are just clutter.   
Put dishes, equipment, etc into use. 
Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for disposing of an expensive jacket that has been there for six months -- its their problem.
 

One advantage for a small youth group: Acceptance

A large youth group is generally viewed by the congregation as a whole, as a thing, a separate body, a budget line item, a source of wait staff for congregational meals, but not as a part of the congregation. A small group can become an integral part of a congregation. They can, collectively and individually, be involved in every aspect of congregational life. Everyone in the congregation can know each youth by name. There can be real relationships across the ages. The “it takes a village” phenomenon becomes real. This then can translate into strong support for the youth and the youth program. So, for example, appeals for financial help for trips, conferences and retreats are received well and will result in enough help to make the event happen.

Policy for music/videos/video games

You may need a policy about videos/music/games that are are acceptable. For youth work you really need to work with a “least common denominator” position: P or possibly PG for videos, E10+ or possibly T for video games, no “explicit lyrics” for music. This may frustrate the youth who'll say (true or not) that they get to watch X rated movies at home, but it is better than having some parent go ballistic and pull their child out of the program. Just explain the reasoning behind the policy to the youth.

Youth room furniture

Turn down hand-me-down furniture. This gives the youth the impression that this is all they are worth. They also will not respect such furniture and it becomes a disaster very quickly. If the youth get to pick out and purchases new furniture (even if it is inexpensive) or be creative in making their own furnishings, they will respect it and it will last many times longer.

Texting

Texting is now an essential means of communication. As with all other forms, it needs to be used well.

• Texting a whole group of people is impractical, but youth generally don't check their email very often. However, text messages can be sent to sub groups and/or your entire group using your email client and SMS. You need their cell phone number and their carrier. Then look up their carrier's SMS address and add it to the phone number. e.g. 5551231234@vtext.com (Verizon) Put these addresses in an email group address list. Then you can do an email to the group and it will be texted to those youth. Keep in mind that some SMS systems have character limits so you cannot send long messages (hence the name: Short Message Service – duh).
  
• Don't text the kids during school hours in case they forget to turn their phones off and they get in trouble. (Although this can be entertaining...)
  
• If youth don't show up for an important meeting, such as a training program, find one of the kids that did show up who have the missing youth(s) cell phone # and have them text them to see if they are coming. This usually gets results.
  
• Avoid texting too often.
  

Sacrificing for our youth: Control

Youth workers tend to be take charge kinds of people, if not control freaks. But there are many reasons for tempering these tendencies. Early in my ministry I realized this tendency in me when, on a retreat, I had an activity planned that would be fun and interesting when I discovered that part of the group had started that activity during free time. That really messed up my plans. I was furious, and finally blurted out (to the amusement of the youth standing nearby) “How dare they not read my mind.” After that I worked at being more flexible. Some basic observations:

• We do need to be in control enough to prevent disaster. Even when we are being laid back and just watching the action, we are not off duty. We need to be thinking ahead for possible problems and issues. Sometimes we can just help the youth or youth leaders make adjustments to keep things going in a healthy direction. Sometimes we need to intervene. Whether we identify the danger or not depends on the situation. Sometimes we just have to be the bad guy.
• Most things we want to control aren't that important. Enough said.
• The natural, “I'm head elephant and you are not” reaction. Controllers have an innate, emotional reaction to someone usurping their authority or challenging their authority. This can lead to unnecessary confrontations. If you are the boss, if you have the authority, you really don't need to defend it. Ultimately, if you need to say “this is how it is, everyone get with the program” you can do so. But the more you use that authority the less powerful you become. Save it for the big things.
• Delegate, delegate, delegate. As I've said elsewhere, delegate everything you can, even if you can do it better, faster, easier; even if it is something you enjoy doing. There are so many things that need to be done in every situation that it is wasteful for you to do something someone else can do.
• It may feel good to have everyone dependent on you, but what if you need to be gone? What if you break you leg on a trip?
• You need to help youth experience success and failure and learn how to be in control – some day they will be in control, will they be ready for it? If we are truly serving our youth and not ourselves, we need to help them become leaders and self-sufficient. They can learn some things by modeling, but much of what they need to learn they need to learn by doing. I've seen youth groups do amazing things with little direction, because they have had the practice and guidance earlier.
• If 2 heads is better than 1, 10 heads can be 10 times greater – as long as it is organized and ordered. Your job is to organize and direct, let them do the thinking, creating, and decision making.

Promoting your youth: pictures on walls

Line dull, blank halls of the church with photos of youth events and youth in action. Print on plain paper and mount on poster board, attach with a non marking sticky system. These pictures are light so it isn't necessary to have real hangers.
If someone objects, offer to share the walls with other groups (they probably won't take the time to put together the pictures.) But keep insisting that “dull, blank hall walls” are an eye-sore and a turn-off for visitors.

Kidnap a kid surprise activity (don't guess what this means, read it)

The Surprise:

This is an old standby used for years by church youth groups. If used carefully it is a worthwhile idea. Because this idea has been used rather widely, however, it has been misused many times and has a bad reputation in some circles. As with all ideas on this , this idea simply needs to be used with some sensitivity. See below for some of the fishhooks in the activity.

How to do the Surprise:

Determine that someone needs to be at the meeting but may not be coming or hasn't come. If the group has a good relationship with the person in question and the person has a reasonably good sense of humor, then call the person and say "we're coming to get you, get your shoes on." Listen to excuses and assess the seriousness of them – they may legitimately need to miss the meeting. On the other hand, they might also appreciate the attention and a break from whatever they are doing. If you are kidnapping more than one person, be sure to mention that and the reason for the action. If this is being used as a recruitment tool, say so. The more honest you are with the person, the better they will feel about it, even if they end up turning you down.

What to avoid:

Undue or overbearing pressure. You want the person to feel special, not abused. Sometimes the desire to carry out a program of this sort (it is fun for all) can blind people to the victim's real needs or concerns. If they are adamant about not coming, honor that decision.

• Be sensitive to parent issues, ask the person in question to "tell your parents that we're coming" in case a parent has grounded that youth for next 15 years and will be gracious but furious when you have undercut their decision.
• Over use, which dulls the impact and makes victims feel less important rather than more important – viewing it as just one more "program" of the church.
• Kidnapping a person, then ignoring them once they are at the meeting. Maybe the reason they weren't coming is that they didn't feel comfortable with the group in the first place. Unless such problems are dealt with, the kidnapping will simply be social abuse.
• As a part of the process, humiliating a kid or making them feel guilty for having missed the meeting. Some youth turn "we miss you" into an accusatory "why aren't you here?" It is important that the conversation telling them of their approaching kidnapping be positive, lighthearted and caring. Let them know in words and inflection that they are missed and that you will go out of your way to have them come – if it is all right with them.
• Beware of having special kidnap evenings where a number of people are picked up. If someone hears about it that was not kidnapped, they may have their feelings hurt for being left out.

Variations:

• A non-meeting event, like going out for ice cream.
• An event where having additional people is important such as a work project or a special game.
• Have everyone in the group each call and go get one other person.

One advantage of a small youth group: Individuality

The youth are not just a part of a group but can be recognized and accepted as an individual. They can have a significant place in the life of the group and in the life of the congregation. Their particular skills can be generally known and their contributions generally recognized. It is most healthy for a youth to grow up with the ego-building knowledge of being a worthwhile individual rather than one member of a mob.Make sure the special skills are used somewhere somehow

• Recruit them for specific jobs but also specifically recruit them to participate in congregational activities
•  Contact them periodically just to chat
• Highlight their accomplishments on a bulletin board at the church
• Recognize them in worship for anything of consequence

communicating with the youth

At the beginning of the year or whenever you will see most of the youth, have them sign up for their preferred means of communications. Most do not use email now, but some do. Some are on Facebook, some are not. Some do not text, but most do...
On the Documents page of this blog is a sample spreadsheet that gathers this information.

Work groups for longer trips

One counselor is assigned to a work group task, but the preset groups of kids rotate from task to task so that they all get to do each of the tasks at least once and to interact with each counselor. Some standard tasks: Worship, Cleanup, Meals, Packing/Unpacking. (As I've said many times before, it is important that the YOUTH do the work, not the adult.)

Some Facebook hints

Most of this will be obvious to most, but in keeping with providing hints just in case someone hadn't thought of it:

• Once you are a part of a youth's social network, be prepared to ignore potentially shocking posts. Youth just don't think about who may be reading their posts and are likely to say anything to impress their peers.
  
• For good or for ill they usually view their posts as being directed to a specific not the general population. They view Facebook as their private system. It is sometimes worth “liking” or responding to an innocent post to remind them that you and others are able to see their posts.
  
• Be very hesitant to insert yourself into discussions or comment on posts. They are very sensitive to being “stalked” even though they friended you.
  
• Watch for serious concerns, but try to not raise your concerns on the site. If necessary, email them, or better yet speak to them personally. Try not to indicate where you got your information.
  
• You can learn a lot about a kid by watching their posts, but, again, don't put too much stock in any one post.
  
• They quote song fragments a lot and don't use quotation marks so it is easy to misunderstand a post.
  

Promotion of youth and the your program

A youth program should not be allowed to work in a vacuum or be pushed off to the periphery of a church, only called upon when an event needs waiters or cleanup help. Part of of being recognized as an important ministry of a church is to be visible.

• Try to establish a bulletin board in a very public place to post photos and publicity for events.
• Have this bulletin board display all newspaper articles mentioning any youth associated with the church. 
•  Depending on the size of the church you may need to limit the age range.
• Some schools will put you on their mailing list for the school newspaper or district newsletter.

When a group needs to be surprised: #6

Surprise activities become topics of conversation and points of common interest that bind the kids together. While the surprise is happening, they are held together by their common sense of mutual insecurity and interdependence that they would not have in a normal setting. Many of the social structures and strictures of the school and community break down in mildly stressing situations. After they surprise is over, those that participated have something in common to talk about, even if they have little else in common.

One advantage of a small youth group: Flexibility

With large groups anything you do is like a troop movement. With a small group you can turn on a dime.

• Coming back from a mission activity you can, on the spur of the moment, stop for ice cream.
• If a topic of concern for the few that are there comes up you can go with it
• If the entire group is there or you only have to call a couple of people you can schedule an event for the next day or the coming week-end it is quite doable

Learn to be light on your feet and take advantage of this flexibility

Freebies

I've added two freebies on the Documents page of this blog.  (Ignore the Communications spreadsheet for now -- I'll introduce that later).
One is a sample Sound Scavenger Hunt the other is a sample list of supplies for a First Aid Kit for trips and camps.

Start of the program year event

At least once a year have an event, perhaps a beginning of the year picnic, that is clearly not related to “youth group” “Sunday School” or other specific activity.

• Call each youth in the week before to personally invite them. Besides assuring a good turn out, this will clean up your rolls (disconnected phone number, “we don't go there anymore,” etc).
  
• have all who work with youth in any capacity be there to hang out with the kids. Introduce them to the group as a whole, give them 30 seconds to speak to the group.
  
• Have youth who have participated in particular events lined up to tell about the event.(Warn them to focus their remarks on the good things, and not go on and on about the heat or mosquitoes.)
  
• Have PowerPoint shows scattered around on laptops or projectors showing last year's events
  
• Have sign up sheets for events and particular needs, e.g.: Child Care workers; Sound system; Church School teachers; Any other service opportunities for youth available in your church.
  

If you have found any of these posts to be useful... Pass the word to others

Sacrificing for our youth: Marriage

No you do not have to sacrifice your marriage for the youth. In fact, a healthy marriage truly helps youth ministry in so many ways. However there are few things we do or don't do that can be harmful to the youth. These things simply can't happen.

• Fighting in public. No matter how mad you all may be, it can't be done where the kids witness or hear about it – unless they also see, immediately, the reconciliation. Modeling good conflict resolution is a good thing.
• Talking bad about one's spouse
• Public Displays of Affection that are out of keeping for the local society. You also have to take into consideration your age – is it considered appropriate for people your age?
• Do be publicly affectionate, however. Model healthy love.
• On trips and retreats, you probably will be in separate sleeping quarters, not so much for proprieties sake but to supervise the youth. You may not want to do this, but be practical...

youth can learn things that don't actually make sense to them

Younger youth can learn vocabulary and ideas that don't really make sense to them or have any real meaning. This can be misleading.

• This applies to psychological and group dynamics language that are really for older youth. Younger youth can spout it back but it has no real meaning to them.
  
• They can learn abstract language and concepts, but these are only by rote, the underlying meaning is beyond them. (A favorite story: a group of Middle Schoolers were talking about the Narnia Series. One commented that it was, of course, an allegory. They had learned this in school. Then sheepishly admitted “we have no idea what allegory means.”)
  

when a kid doesn't like yoiu

No one will connect with every kid. There will always be incompatibilities, misunderstandings, unfortunate misperceptions, and whatever else that cause two people to not get along. This is natural, it will happen to the best of us. Maybe the disconnect can be corrected over time, but in the meantime, make sure there is someone on the team that can connect with those you do not. And don't worry about it. You can make it worse by trying to force the relationship. In the end the important thing is that every youth feels at home in the church and their non-relationship with you doesn't get in the way.

Prize surprises: A Human Sexuality Retreat at a Theme Park

This comes under the heading of a surprising element to a normal activity rather than as something that comes as a surprise (i.e. DO NOT HAVE A SURPRISE HUMAN SEXUALITY CLASS/RETREAT! :) ).

Without going into the need for a program on Human Sexuality or the content of such as class, this is merely a suggestion for an unusual but successful format for such a program. Some of the problems associated with H.S. Classes are:

• Teens who do not want to admit that they have anything to learn on the subject
• Teens who don't want to talk about the subject – especially with adults – especially with church adults.
• If it is a multi-session program then different youth will come to different sessions, breaking continuity and trust building.
• These classes sometimes generate a lot of tension needing release.

A solution to all of these things is to combine the program with a fun retreat. This may draw youth that might not sign up for such a course or at least give the youth an "excuse" for attending. Combining the two events brings all of the group building and society escaping benefits of a retreat, and it provides a fun and safe break from an otherwise heavy subject. The specific solution that I have used is to combine a weekend Human Sexuality Retreat with a trip to a theme park.

How to do the Surprise:

Step one is to locate a theme park within a couple hours drive that has a nearby church or retreat facility that will allow the group to spend the weekend and have the classes. Only one of the theme parks I have used or contacted had a meeting room that we could use. We always had to have the classes outside of the park. Most theme parks allow for Day Passes or other system of reentry into the park, but it is important to know for sure that reentry is possible and how it works for the particular park.

Recruitment. Use whatever criteria you use for recruiting leaders for the classes. Then you need adult or young adult leadership in addition in order to give the teachers a break also.

Since I have always had a double retreat – with Senior Highs and Middle Schoolers at the same weekend and place, the extra leadership was an absolute, for we would have the Senior Highs in a Session while the Middle Schoolers were in the park, then we would swap the two groups and continue. We simply had a team of leaders permanently stationed in the theme park, keeping in touch with that group and negotiating the hand off at the appropriate times.

Publicity that is centered on the Human Sexuality aspect for the parents and publicity that is centered on the retreat aspect (but clearly mentioning the Human Sexuality program) needs to be started early and done continuously. You probably will need to have an absolute deadline in order to order discounted tickets and to order any materials needed.

I usually have a parent's meeting where I distribute the parent's book and my own outline of what will be covered in the classes as well as suggestions for follow-up discussions with their children.

On the retreat itself, we usually have a late night learning session and worship on Friday night, then hit the park first thing in the morning (when the lines are a little shorter – we do all the popular rides then). After a couple of hours, then we leave the park and go to the meeting room and have another session. Then back into the park for lunch. And so forth through the day. Sunday morning for our group is worship in the host church, go out to eat and then return home.

What to avoid:

• Do not underplay or hide the Human Sexuality part of the program. Kids do not like being surprised about this subject and if they feel like they've been tricked by you or their parents they can make a mess of the program. This is a little different than if they are there under duress – if their parents "made them come" (which is sometimes a convenient excuse and teen defense mechanism) you can be sympathetic and encourage them to make the most of the situation, since it is not your fault.
• Keeping a good balance between the sessions and the time in the park is delicate and may have to be adjusted depending on how things work out. I generally plan a session for 1 ½ hours then time in the park or other recreation for 2 hours. Sometimes they want to extend a session, and they almost always want to extend their time in the theme park. However, the whole process is exhausting for everyone, and I have had groups vote not to return to the theme park on Saturday night, because they were simply worn out. 
• The number of times in and out of the park may have to be adjusted if the meeting room is not very close to the theme park. However, I have always found an accommodating church within five minutes of each park which allows more flexibility.

Variations:

There are many fun things that can be interspersed such as:

• High ropes (challenge/adventure) course at a retreat center.
• Skiing
• Boating
• Mission work – doing the project during the day and classes in the evening (but exhaustion can nullify the classes...)

Transportation: Hired Buses

• Try to have some adult responsible for an identifiable subset of the youth in order to simplify determining whether everyone is on board.
  
• Bring your own set of acceptable movies to choose from (some bus drivers bring movies that might not be appropriate for your group).
  
• Be sure to have group cash available for the driver's tip. (Currently about $1.00 per person. I usually round up to give them “hazard pay.”)
  

One advantage of a small youth group

Intimacy   In the church growth movement one of the key features is the “small group model.” So if you have a small youth group, you are right on track!  

• A small group allows for more personal interactions (less like herding cattle, more like relationships). 
•  Prayers can be more intimate and personal. 
•  Discussion more specific. 
• You can "be there" for each one
• There is no confusion about who is whom or what their story is

When a group needs to be surprised: Reason #5

Sometimes it is difficult to get teens, especially high school aged youth, to try something new, something different. Often, the only way to introduce a new and valuable activity is to spring it on them. One of the key features of the "Unknown Destination Trip" is that it is a way to introduce new and perhaps threatening mission projects. When youth have done a project once, it is much easier to get them to do it again, as a regular feature of their lives.

Sacrificing for our youth: Dating

This is, of course, a really touchy subject because it touches the core of a person's being. When one is “in love” reason and other considerations are a threat not something to take into consideration. Also, the exact circumstances can vary to a huge degree. However, hear are a few generalizations.

• First of all. A youth worker that is dating is generally not a problem. Even having them come on youth trips and activities can be a good thing if the guidelines are followed.
• There are, of course, inappropriate partners – no matter what the age difference or how strong the mutual love is, the youth themselves are completely off-limits for many, many reasons. This is one of those “love has nothing to do with it” situations. Keep in mind that you will fall in love many times and if one heart wrenching love doesn't pan out, there will be others. If the person is abusive, love has nothing to do with it, get out of the relationship, etc. There will be other opportunities for love. But you don't want to harm your youth be having an inappropriate or destructive relationship. Like it or not you just can't expose them to harmful influences.
• In public settings, interacting with a partner you are not married to needs to be real, but appropriate. You can get away with the same level of Public Displays of Affection as the youth themselves. There are cultural differences between groups, but if an activity is considered out of bounds for the youth, it is out of bounds for you (in public).
• Model good relationships practice.
• You, of course,want to keep your private life private, but you can share little details, such as “I'm sorry if I'm cranky, I'm having boyfriend/girlfriend trouble...”)
• Do not use your youth group as therapists and unload your deepest feelings and secrets. And, with parents, in a breakup do not pit your youth group against your former friend. Model good, mature behavior even if you think it may kill you.

Minimum number for an event

For most events, there is no “ideal” number below which the events should be canceled. As I've said, canceling an event should be avoided at all costs. Put positively, “wherever two or three are gathered together I am in their midst.” If two or three are enough for God they can be enough for us. You can however, make adjustments, since you can talk to each of the participants and vary the plan to make it more fun, more exciting, more worthwhile. Take advantage of the flexibility that a small number affords you.

Find the Party Scavenger Hunt

The Surprise:

Have a publicized, popular event, such as a party, but when they arrive at the site, there is a sign saying that the event has been moved – -with a clue as to where. At that location there is a clue to the next spot, and so forth until they arrive at the party site.

Why do this Surprise:

This idea simply takes a mundane event and makes it memorable. It also gives a group with little in common, as might be the case for a social event, something in common to talk about.

How to do the Surprise:

In most situations there will need to be heavy publicity for a moderately attractive event. Social events often are passed over by youth, some because these events are uncomfortable for them, others because they have plenty of social events to chose from. Most youth will also wait to see "who else is coming" before committing. You may have to resort to "recruiting" at least some of the participants. A successful and fun activity, however, will make other events more attractive. Step two of preparation is to arrange for drivers. In this day and age, most of us are hesitant to allow youth to drive during youth events (as opposed to driving to and from events). Also, it helps in the mixing of a group if kids are thrown together into cars or vans based on the when they arrive at the original site.

Next, the intermediate locations need to be decided upon and arrangements made. Although the intermediate locations can be anywhere, if they are public and/or unprotected locations, the clues may disappear, causing much unhappiness.

In some communities, it might be wise to alert the police that the roving bands of teens are O.K.

Additional hints:

0. The clues can be cute, direct, cryptic or funny. The primary issue is how much time is to be spent trying to find the party and how much time is spent at the party. This depends on the situation. Avoid making the clues so cryptic that they can't figure them out and get frustrated.
1. Provide drivers with a sealed set of the clues and possibly with answers to each.
2. Have a problem solver type person that can independently make good decisions as the last driver to leave the original location. They may need to deal with any odd situations. Some such situations are people who brought friends whose parents thought that they would be only a the church building; someone with a particular allergy that might be a problem; someone who can only stay "for a few minutes."
3. The last driver should probably stay a minimum of 15 minutes after the party was supposed to start and the initial clue should be posted at this original site, because of the probability of late comers.

Variations:

0. Have part of the party or have refreshments at each of the intermediate destinations
1. At each site, have a clue to the next site, but also have an additional, more obscure clue that points to the final destination - allowing some to short circuit the scavenger hunt.
2. Have the event annually and after the first year, make the clues harder and have the hunt for the party to be the primary activity.
3. Have the activity be a mystery party from the beginning and publish along with the general publicity clues to the location - the youth are then challenged, singly, in clusters of friends or as a whole group to solve the mystery prior to the day of the party.

The down side of high self-esteem

As mentioned, both serious writers but especially the popular press regularly attack the Millennials. This is really nothing more than a typical older generation putting down a younger generation. This form of sour grapes has been going on since at least Socrates. Pay no attention to it. The Millennials are great. However, they are not perfect and one of the things that makes them great is also the primary fault line. The down side of high self-esteem and the Millennial generation is that they have an unnaturally good self-image.

• They don't take criticism or failure well.
  
• It is sometimes hard to find someone to do the little, less glamorous jobs.
  
• They expect praise for everything they do and acceptance of every idea they come up with (no matter how dumb).
  
• They have trouble getting and holding a job because the job is beneath them or their supervisor is a jerk that doesn't recognize their sterling qualities.
  

The up side of Millennials and high self esteem

We all want children to grow up with high self-esteem. And there is value to it. As I've said before the Millennial generation is outstanding in so many ways and one of the reasons for this is that they have a high opinion of themselves. This phenomenon has been written up and moaned about by both the serious and popular press and is now well known. The value of high self-esteem includes:

• At least they don't have a whiny poor self-image.
  
• It gives them confidence and willingness to try things.
  
• It makes them want to do significant things rather than trivial things.
  
• It does push them to achieve.
  
• They are more open to see the good in others rather than always being so judgmental.
  

When a group needs to be surprised: Reasons #3

Even though the standard events, the Bible Studies and service projects that are training them for life may have the greatest long term effect on the youth, it is the special event, the unusual, that kids remember and talk about. We need to provide them those memories.

Sacrificing for our youth: alcohol

Many youth workers were not raised to be teetotalers and in fact “enjoy a glass of wine with friends” or “a good beer on a hot day.” Most are confident that they are not a problem drinker and their drinking is only occasional if not rare. So for most the question does not arise that they may have to give up all alcohol except for rare situations. The overriding question is: Is there any chance any of their youth will find out that you drink alcohol. The overriding problem is that since they look up to you, whatever you do is ok for them also. Whether it is legal for them or not will not enter most of their minds. So, as a role model, your “freedom” can be a stumbling block for a youth. Some of them will have a natural inclination to alcoholism and research has demonstrated conclusively that that youth that start drinking alcohol before age 18 will be much more likely to become “problem drinkers.” We don't want to contribute to their beginning of alcohol use.

Not being a teetotaler myself, I would allow myself to drink with friends in other communities, but in any situation where there were people that even knew any of my youth I stayed with coke/pop/soda.

Does it really affect youth? On a trip with college youth, we were at a sports bar to see a football game. I decided that they were mature enough to handle my having a beer. They weren't.

Sleep issues

• Make an agreement with the group to not play bed time games: Lights out will be as late as possible and reasonable, but when they are turned out it is silence until morning (no “grace” period, no animal noises...).
  
• Those who wake early are to be quiet until the agreed upon wake up time.
  

unexpected periods

I have read information debunking this phenomenon but observation has shown it often enough to believe that “stress, heat, and excitement” can trigger a woman's period, as can rooming with a woman who is having her period. Although statistically improbable, on one trip the females of the group I was with, about a dozen, managed 100%. So, the related hints are:

• “Surprise” periods are common at camps, retreats and trips. Always have extra supplies and an adult woman available.
  
• Adult men should not be clueless. If a girl becomes distracted and uncomfortable, needing to go to the bathroom, or perhaps even unwilling to stand up, don't press the issue. You may have to help draw attention away from her and let her slip out to clean up.
  
• Younger girls are much more likely to be caught by surprise than older girls, but even high school girls can be caught off guard.
  

When a group needs to be surprised: reason #2

Sometimes, a group becomes too predictable and static. Maybe not stagnant, but at least lacking a spark, a sense of excitement. This is a good time to throw in a surprise activity. After a few surprises then the routine is no longer routine, but the tried and true and secure, and the new, special activities add a little excitement to the life of the group.

supervision in controlled settings

In a safe and confined area, whether in a camp site, a theme park, a store or a work site with a clear boundary, direct supervision is not necessary.

• At a camp or camp site some form of sign in/sign out can be helpful.
  
• Junior high/middle school youth should still have an adult within reach, high school youth can go off on their own, with their buddy or small group.
  
• Tell them to plan ahead – not get into a line that when there is not enough time to get through it before a meeting time.
  

Sacrificing for our youth: overview

A struggle for most youth workers, especially for those just going into full or part time-youth work is what of ourselves we have to give up for the sake of the youth. Do we have to go against our nature for their sake? Is it hypocritical for us to behave around them in a way other than how we believe?

Focusing on our priority of serving the youth, rather ourselves, means that sometimes we need to give up or change something that we personally do not think is an issue. Or we may have to rethink how we do things or behave in order to be the best example we can be for our youth.

The guiding principle is based on First Corinthians 8:9 (and its surrounding context): “But take care that this liberty of yours does not somehow become a stumbling block to the weak.” (NRSV) The activity may not be a problem for us but if it can be a problem for the youth then we need to sacrifice for their sake. I'll be posting a few specific examples later.