When to refer youth with problems

When confronted with youth with seeming deep emotional problems:

• Few front-line youth workers have the time and training to do deep, long-term counseling. However, because we love them and believe ourselves to be competent, we are often slow to refer a youth or parents to professional counselors.
  
• Our job, most often, is “triage” – we try to determine whether they simply need a psychological or spiritual “band-aid,” which we can provide, or they have deep wounds that need to be treated by a specialist.
  
• When in doubt, refer.
  
• Currently, cross gender counseling is not likely. Find someone of the opposite gender that you trust and send youth of that gender there.
  

Working with our own misperceptions

Working with our own misperceptions:

• Recognize that youth, when uncomfortable or uncertain about a situation convey an attitude that doesn't reflect their true feelings. This can just be a defense mechanism in case they or their peers don't end up liking it.
  
• Some youth may be preoccupied with other concerns and troubles but appear externally as if they don't like you or your program even though the program doesn't have anything to do with it.
  
• Some youth who seem indifferent or who seem to make the youth program a low priority may actually value you or your program way beyond your imagination – their lives are not their own and driven by external forces (parents).
  
• Some kids roll their eyes in reaction to things you say or do. There may or may not be meaning behind this action. It is sometimes helpful to comment, privately, about how it makes you feel when you see that. They may be surprised to know that they had done it and how your feel.
  
• Some youth's “face at rest” – their default facial expression – is sour or bored or sad looking. These looks mean nothing at all and should not be taken seriously.
  
• It is difficult to challenge our own misperceptions so we need an outside objective source of information to check our perceptions against.
  
• Looking back and seeing when we misperceived things in the past helps us avoid making the same mistake.

Confirmation program classes

If you have formal class sessions as a part of a confirmation program:

• Recognize that that kids will have to miss a lot of sessions. Plan each session to be independent and decide when/how to do make up for essentials. Some youth will have to miss whole seasons because of sports.
• Don't assume they know anything in particular.
• Make sure the lessons are developmentally appropriate for the age.

Surprises: taking care of details

One aspect of planning is to double check the who, what, when and where questions about a destination or event. One of the easiest problems is one of scheduling – to arrive at an ice cream parlor an hour after it has closed is to invite disappointment rather than pleasure.

• Businesses and organizations often have erratic schedules, change schedules seasonally, or for no apparent reason. Just because someone told you that a place was open at a certain time does not mean it will be open when you want to go there.
• Another issue is to make sure that you know where you are going – to show up at Utica Bowls, a ceramics shop, will not have the same impact on most groups as arriving at Utica Bowl, a bowling alley.
• Having an appropriate destination for a particular group is also an issue. A desired activity may only be available in a particular place that is not acceptable to the youth or to their parents. A Laser-tag parlor in an "adult entertainment area" might not go over well with some churches. These sorts of things are rather localized and dependent on knowing your group. Some groups can comfortably go into areas that other groups wouldn't think of trying. Doing a generic questioning of a few parents to get a sense of acceptability helps greatly. At the advice of a parent, for example, I put off a particular Unknown Destination for a couple of years until we had done enough of them that parents felt confident enough to not worry about their child's safety.
• Even small things need to be checked in advance. One "spontaneous" activity I introduced at a Canoe camp that began with a day long, miserable rain, was using a field for a mud slide. It was great fun and a real surprise for the group when I took off running, threw myself on the ground and slid 30 feet across the field. But this wouldn't have been fun if someone had slid into a spike or rock. Before the campers had arrived, I had checked out the field and the rest of the camp site – not with a mud slide in mind but just to check out the environment and to look for hazards and opportunities.
• Usually surprises require extra leadership – or at least extra drivers. These leaders/drivers do not necessarily have to be in on the surprise but they should be capable leaders that can improvise as necessary. In some situations the person in charge may have to be dealing with problems or issues involving the surprise and cannot be involved with the youth. It is therefore important to have adults capable of doing a good job of working creatively with the youth.
• We've all been in situations where the best laid plans go astray or need extra attention. It is important to have a person ready to either work out the problem or to keep the group moving in a positive direction. Someone on the team of leaders needs to be free enough from other responsibilities to handle the details.
• If the surprise is away from home it is important to have all the necessary supplies and equipment to be self sufficient. One technique I use is to have a pair of (very heavy!) catalog cases fully loaded with supplies: from balloons to string, games, Bibles and song books. This way I don't have to stop and think this issue through and pack each time we go anywhere. Even if you are going to a "retreat" setting where you would expect to find things like pencils and Bibles, it is a crisis to get there and then find out that something important is not there.

Have some kind of “report back” to the congregation from major events, especially if there was fund raising for it.

• Use a “Moment for Mission” in worship, to highlight youth activities and missions.
  
• Host a thank-you dinner with presentation about the trip (press the youth to plan the presentation carefully, such presentations tend to be unprepared and extemporaneous and therefore inarticulate, long and boring if not embarrassing).
  
• Run a PowerPoint presentation continuously in the Narthex.
  
• Create a picture board in the Narthex or halls. Creating this is a good project for a youth not otherwise involved.
  

When you “fall in love with” or are physically attracted to a youth

Of course this is a complicated topic and every situation is different (yeah, yeah) and generalizations will often be written off as mere generalizations. Whole books can be written on the subject. However, I will take a stab at reducing this topic to practical “hints.” Be sure to check my other hints on appropriate behavior (use the topical index to isolate those hints). 
I will present here a variety of hints on how to deal with inappropriate feelings. Not all will be useful for any one person. Find the ones that work for you.
I should also point out that although historically this has been viewed as a male issue, we are discovering that it is also a female leader's concern. There are differences, but a lot of the hints are equally applicable without reference to gender and because of the variations in humans I think it would not be possible to say that one hint is only applicable to one gender. Although I generally post one or two hints at a time, I will post all my (current) thinking on this subject all at once.

One item that is not on this list is “will power” as in, “just be strong and ignore your feelings.” Will power is a not a reliable strategy.

• Keep in mind that we humans can talk ourselves into anything. No matter how unreasonable or improper or … anything, we can decide that it is somehow reasonable. We need outside criteria or judgments to challenge our wishes.
• If you were to reveal your feelings to: a spouse, supervisor, confident, or almost anyone else, would they agree with your wishes or take you up side the head? If the latter, then you know that your wishes are stupid, no matter how strong they are.
• Keep in mind that any adolescent “in love” with you:
  • is an adolescent and can fall out of love with you in a heart beat. This can leave you hanging out to dry, as they say.
  • It is likely that power relationships may be a primary factor: people often are attracted to people in power. This is the classic “sexual abuse” scenario. This isn't love and it is totally inappropriate to take advantage of your power over them.
  • may have a hidden agenda. Some youths, even seemingly innocent youths, can have really dark and manipulative motives. You just can't trust a situation where you can be the victim.
  • has (not probably – this is a given) an unrealistic and idealized view of you. You are not who they are in love with, but an imaginary you. If you allow them to play out their fantasies they may be horrified by the real you.
  • because you may be a “safe” object of their love. They may not trust their peers or have had a bad experience with one or more peer, or they are new and inexperienced at this “love” stuff and they fall in love with someone they can trust to not do anything. Younger adolescent are most likely to look for safe loves. Again, they really don't want you to act on their admiration.
• Your view of the youth is probably idealized and a fantasy, rather than based on reality. It is fine to fantasize, but don't don't take it seriously.
• It is not reasonable to work under the assumption that a relationship can be kept a secret. No matter how hard you plan, somehow it will be leaked/guessed/revealed. Then what?
• You think you can talk your way out of any situation. Ha! Not in the current environment.
• You are in love? So what? You and they have a long life ahead – you both will love again (and again, and again). If this is not a reasonable permanent relationship – and it is not – let it go. Heartache is beside the point and quite endurable
• Picture your relationship in 10 years; in 30 years; in 50 years. What will it look like. If you care for the kid, are you willing to subject them to pain and misery later in life?
• Are you willing to sacrifice your career, family, way of life for an adolescent?

Unpacking vehicles on a trip

When unpacking a vehicle or vehicles at an overnight stop, at the destination or at the end of the trip:

• Allow people to remove their travel items (backpack, pillows, etc) then either have everyone or a large subgroup return for unpacking the vehicle(s).
  
• Allow no one to dig for their own bags. This is contrary to human nature and a real learning experience for the youth and a trial for the adults.
  
• Each person is to “grab and go:” grab a bag or armload and carry it into the building, depositing it in a large area such as a foyer, then returning for another load.
  
• Some adult should supervise the unloading while another keeps sending the youth back out.
  
• When a group gets the idea this can be very efficient and quick.
  
• When the entire vehicle are unloaded, including your stuff and the group's common items, show the youth their living spaces and let them find their personal belongings and move in.
  
• Help those who left something in a vehicle. They can pick up and bring in the trash while they are at it.
  

Some quick tips on doing a broadly graded youth group

The basic principle of running a broadly graded youth group is obvious: emphasize similarities and avoid the differences.

• Parties, extended discussions, “party” games, group-mixing techniques tend to emphasize the differences among the ages represented
• Work and service projects and small group studies where the youth choose their own groupings and loosely structured retreats tend to emphasize or at least allow for the similarities.

Another thing that might be helpful is to take advantage of the natural hierarchical structure that will develop within the group.

• Explicitly talk to the older youth about their role as examples for the younger youth. It is by watching the older youth that younger youth learn how a youth group functions and how they are to behave. A corrective instruction from another youth is far more effective than coming from an adult.
• Allow, even encourage, the older youth to provide leadership to the younger youth
• Let the older youth provide the teaching and group discussions with the younger youth
• Assign an older youth to be a mentor for a younger youth

Contrary to common practice, in a heterogeneous group like a broadly graded group, cliques are helpful. The one requirement when breaking into compatible groups is that everyone is to be included without hesitation. Younger youth will not naturally do this but it can be made explicit, or an adult or older youth can insert a youth that is likely to be left out into a group, without saying anything:”Joe, why don't you go over with Ken and Barbie,” or “Jill, why don't you and I go over to this group.”

Noisy Youth rooms (or classrooms)

Think about acoustics. If a group of younger youth are in a “live” room the noise can be deafening (literally). Carpets, wall hangings, soft furniture all help behavior by reducing the chaos caused by too much noise, which makes everyone crazy.

Surprises: Good Advanced Planning

The first danger of surprise activities is the instinctive feeling that since no one but the leader knows exactly what is going to happen, it doesn't need to be planned as thoroughly as other activities. We sometimes feel that one of the benefits of a surprise is that one can fly by the seat of one's pants – that this might even be advantageous, adding to the surprise.However, exactly the opposite is true. Surprises must be planned more carefully than normal events.

• Kids and parents will feel uncertain and somewhat uncomfortable with the unknown aspect of the event and need the assurance that everything has been worked out carefully. If parents are already uncertain about what is going to happen with their child, they don't need to feel that the leader also is uncertain.
• Since we all have a limit on how many different concerns and situations we can deal with at any one given time, kids, parents and leaders and you will have a more difficult time dealing appropriately with problems and unanticipated elements that arise. When "flying by the seat of your pants," additional problems or concerns can overload a person's thinking and important details can be overlooked.
• Similarly, in the rare event that a family has an emergency situation while a group is on a surprise outing, if no one back home has the itinerary and contact information for this trip, even the most tolerant family may overreact -- the least disruptive thing the family may do is be furious.
• Another factor about surprise activities that dictates planning, is that expectations are higher than for many "normal" activities, so it is important that everything has been planned to live up to these expectations. I have, a couple of times, been caught on a surprise event with not quite enough to fill the time. In these situations the kids were very impatient with attempts to mark time.

Dealing with discrepancies in a youth's life

As mentioned in previous posts, youth naturally and unconsciously compartmentalize different aspects of their lives. They don't see or recognize the discrepancies – some are seriously and sincerely religious, at youth group events, but run with a wild crowd that engages in “risky” behavior [what a euphemism!]. They do not view themselves as hypocrites, these are unrelated activities. This is a developmental issue and cannot be easily overcome.

• It is usually not helpful to directly confront a specific youth with the discrepancies in their life.
  
• They will feel you are over reacting, that it isn't as bad as you are making it out to be and they will feel that this is an “invasion of privacy.” They may accuse you of “stalking” them because you aren't supposed to know that part of their life (even though they talk about it right there in your presence).
  
• They will be mortified and confused and since they don't like that feeling, blame you for making them feel that way.
  

Later I will address some kind of positive response. But the main solution is not to reject them or harass them but wait it out.

Some keys to getting youth in worship

As I've said elsewhere, it is imperative for the youth's future church involvement to get them attending worship regularly. Here are a few hints on making it less painful.

• It is reasonable for the youth workers of a church to be on the front line in trying to make corporate worship more child/youth friendly.
• Establish a spot in the Sanctuary (perhaps in the balcony) where you and any youth in attendance can sit together. Note passing, doodling, etc is allowed in that section.
• Negotiate with the powers that be to regularly use youth as liturgists, song leader, whatever, in regular worship services.

Disruptive youth

In group settings, there are all kinds of disruptive youth and all kinds of reasons for their being disruptive.

• Some of these issues may be a result of cultural differences and the way a youth was raised. Try to figure out when this is the case. Meeting the parents will probably help on this. It is important to respect cultural differences as well as personality differences while including and integrating each into the larger group.
  
• Since we cannot read minds and probably aren't in a position to do a full psychological evaluation, worry more on behavior than trying to figure out what is driving a person to behave badly.
  
• They'll be more posts about specific behavioral issues later.
  

Two variations on Game night

• Take a game book, have someone call out a random number, turn to that page and do the game.
  
• Have a game night where you put lots of sports equipment and miscellaneous junk out and have teams create new games from the materials.

Broadly graded youth groups: Reasons to do it

Sometimes a broadly graded youth group is a good solution or at least a necessary one. Again, a small group is not one of the reasons. However, a group with a hole in it for one one or two classes can justify making a larger grouping. The issue is then doing it well. See my coming post on how to do broadly graded.

A particular church may have “always done it that way” and the resistance to change is too great to overcome (soon – keep pushing :) ). Other reasons for grouping is if the younger youth are all related to the older youth and grouping them makes it easier for the families; the Primary classes are broadly graded and the youth are used to working together and know each other well. Sometimes you have a youth leader who likes and is skilled at working with a broad range of ages and development.

Think carefully about large groupings.

A discouraging youth group

Sometimes a group of youth will get discouraged and discouraging.

• Maybe it is time to reinvent, recreate, or find something to distract them from their doldrums.
  
• Being explicit and discussing what you see happening with a high school group can help.
  
• There will be good years and bad years. Enjoy the good years, survive the bad years.
  
• Don't bemoan a hard to get along with group or wish they were like some previous group. You'll just make the situation worse.
  

Koosh get acquainted game

Koosh get acquainted game: (See my links page for information about Koosh balls)

• A koosh or other soft ball is tossed from person to person calling out their name
  
  • Everyone has to remember who threw them them ball and who they threw it to.
    
  • Make sure that in every round they clearly call out the name of the person they are throwing to
    
• follow the same pattern but time them.
  
  • Point out that they get better times if they throw the ball gently rather than pegging the person.
    
  • Do this several times trying to better their times
    
• Do it in reverse
  
• Doing it forward again, add additional kooshi (I like to have koosh hidden on my body and suddenly pulling out additional koosh to put in the mix) keeping 2-3 going in the same pattern, including the calling out of names. This can get quite chaotic, which is part of the fun.
  

Board games

Have a tub of board games in the youth room. Taboo is a popular one because they get to buzz each other. You should never have to actually buy board games. If you even whisper in a back room the need for board games you may be buried in donations.I also kept small versions in the catelog cases I took on trips.

Crazy Olympics

We had a large amorphous group of non-competitive relays that we lumped together under the label of “Crazy Olympics.” Whenever that term was used it was understood and everyone looked forward to it. Some sample events: “Low Hurdles” (the Limbo), “The Anti-dash” (who can go the slowest without stopping), “The Sleeping Bag Relay” (each contestant puts a sleeping bag over their entire body and runs to a destination and back, guided by the shouts of their team mates, blowing a balloon across the room with a straw, "Ping Pong Soccer" (for people with lower sensibilities: Ping Pong ball on a table, two teams on opposite sides.  They are to try to blow the ball off the opposing team's side.  A lot of spitting goes on...), "Discus" (with either a real Frisbee, or a playground spot) -- go for distance or accuracy; Javelin (with straws); "Balloon release" (contestants blow up a balloon and release it from a starting line, the balloon that travels the furthest toward the finish line wins.)

Surprises: The CROP Walk challenge

The Crop Walk Challenge

This is not, on the surface, a surprise activity, but rather an example of how a program that serves other, more noble purposes, can be jazzed up by adding surprise elements to it. The program, as I have done it, is to challenge each youth group to try to top me in raising pledges for the Crop Walk (a national "Walk-a-thon" for hunger relief). The loser then needs to throw a party for the winner. A result of the challenge is then much larger funds for C.R.O.P. and some fun through teasing and posturing between leader and youth as to who will win.

The surprise enters in when I lose the contest (I'll lose roughly half the time). My parties then can be unusual or surprising. The first time in my current situation I had the Surprise Breakfast. The second time, I hired a DJ and had a dance. The next time? Probably the Find the Party Scavenger Hunt. The youth know that if they win they will receive a memorable if unexpected party.

Problems and Pitfalls:

The "winners" should be the whole group, not just those who directly participated in the fund raising efforts. This is difficult and may generate discussion. In fact, some parents may forbid their children to join the party if they did not work for the fund raising effort. I lean toward inclusion on everything, but in this particular event it is important to recognize that some youth may not have been able to participate in the fund raising effort. And if you pick up a few fringe kids (as will happen with something like the Surprise Breakfast), why not?  Avoid being a literalist about the contest. If it is close and they think they won, admit defeat and give them the party.

Get acquainted games

Have an arsenal of “get acquainted” activities to use with a newly formed group. As a rule youth hate these but they are important because most kids like being referred to as “hey you” even less. Use naming activities regularly and in rotation until the group can name everyone in the group.

[Even though it is somewhat outside the policy of this blog, I may eventually post some of my favorite get acquainted games]

It's a group of bad kids...

Don't accept other people's warning about a group. Give the group a chance to be different for you than they were for the other person.  Be cautious about giving too much negative information to others about a group.  The problem may be a bad pattern of interactions between one leader and the group of youth rather than "bad kids."

(Final) reasons for surprises: #8

Finally, many surprise activities are good opportunities for interactions with young people – everything from joking with them about the surprise event to time in deep discussion. Events that take everyone away from the normal and usual are especially good times for youth to open up and discuss things that they would not talk about "back home."

Broadly graded youth groups: General comments

Generally speaking I do not like broadly graded youth groups. Classes are another matter, but broadly graded does not work as well with a “youth group.” The biggest downside is the obvious one – the developmental differences between 6^th graders and 12^th graders is enormous. “Shooting for the middle” or the average, means that the 6^th graders are clueless and the 12^th graders are bored. There are solutions to this, which I'll present later, but it is not easy. Small numbers of youth are not a reason for broadly graded: If you have even 3 Middle Schoolers and 2-3 High School youth, I recommend splitting the group. However, I'll later give reasons why and when to go Broadly graded in a later post.

Some documents that are available

I can't remember if I've mentioned this or not but I have a couple of documents on the "Documents" page of this blog.  The two newest ones are a list of items in a first aid kit, and the other is a "Sound Scavenger Hunt."
There is also a farewell letter to my last youth group, a complete, detailed spelling out of how to do a Youth Sunday service.

The Van seat shuffle

Sometimes I require that the youth “shuffle” themselves at each stop on the way out for a major trip, with some of them shifting from vehicle to vehicle and others moving to different seats. There is always a lot of griping and complaining, but I don't argue or try to force the issue, but I just keep saying “you know why this is important, I just trust that you will do the right thing.” They usually do what is needed.

Youth Room media system

A few hints for setting up a youth room media system:

• It needs to include all the options: TV, DVD, CD (remember those things?), external music source, game consoles and inputs
• Mark clearly, with bright nail polish,  a maximum volume setting on the volume control.
• Have an easily accessible clearly marked “portable music player” input to the sound system.
• Have an easily accessible, clearly marked game input to the video system.
• Try to make it difficult to rewire the systems but provide all the various combinations built-in. (Everyone wants to rewire a system rather than take the time to figure out where they are supposed to plug something in.).  The best system is in a cabinet with a back that is screwed on.

Mission trip to defeated people

If the group is working with people of a lower economic/social class there are some basic attitudes that need to be kept in mind.

• First and foremost, they are not “inferior people,” or to be pitied. For the most part they have not chosen to be in the situation they are in, and it is never helpful to blame them for their situation.
• They may have become overwhelmed and given up, but if given respect and a head start on improving their situation, they'll probably take it from there. But that is not our responsibility and doing what we are asked to do is all we can expect to do.
• Rather than being condescending, we should give the people we're working with respect and appreciation. “Sir” and “Ma'am” can make people used to abuse feel better about themselves and this costs us nothing.

On unloading the bus

• have everyone set their personal stuff aside on the sidewalk, then have all or most of the group move the luggage from the bays away from the bus, probably on the sidewalk or ground near the bus.
  
• The idea is to get the bus driver out of there as soon as possible.
  
• Don't let people claim their own bags until the bus is emptied. The tendency is for everyone to go diving for their own stuff, which is inefficient and things get trashed. Everyone should “grab and go; come back for more”
  
• No youth can work from the street side of the bus if the bus is parked on the street.
  
• The bus driver will check the seats and overhead bins to make sure everything is off. Have someone work with the driver to collect trash and to identify the owners of the things left behind.
  

Leaving a group -- plan ahead

Until the time of your announcement, keep planning into the future. They may get suspicious if all your plans end on June 1.

• By planning things for after you are gone means you are not just abandoning them or leaving them in the lurch.
  
• It also means you will be more effective right up to the end, avoiding the tendency to slack off. As they say in baseball, you need to “swing through the ball, not just meet it.”