Disabilities, pt 2

Take the time to think ahead about what preparations need to be made:

• Do handouts, song sheets, etc need to be blown up for the visually impaired?
• Do you need to plan on reading things aloud for the seriously dyslexic?
• Do you need to plan things more carefully or minimize chaos for a youth identified as autistic or Asperger Syndrome?
• Do you need to adjust the physical spaces to accommodate a wheelchair?
• For trips or outings, do you have the transportation necessary?
•  Do you have to make special arrangements for where you will be staying or what you will be doing? 
• Do you need a nurse along? 
• Do you need to stay close to a medical facility?

Youth with disabilities

All youths have some disabilities and many special abilities. However some disabilities will affect what we do and how we operate. For the most part, each disability is distinct and requires particular adjustments that cannot be generalized. There are good books on how to minister to particular disabilities.

• Always focus first on the person, not their disability.
  
• If possible, prepare a group for someone that will be coming that has a striking disability. Help them realize that there is a person behind the symptoms. Assure them that it isn't “catching.”
  
• Most current youth have gone to school with children with every sort of disability and are quite comfortable with them. It is possible for adults to make too much of a situation.

Office hours

Be clear to your supervisor and to all others what your office hours are and when you are off. Youth workers are out a lot. Everyone need to know you are working at those times. Put it in the Church bulletin or Newsletter when you are away on a youth trip.

Pretend to be normal during office hours: dress appropriately, keep regular hours, interact with the adults in the office, etc. Be prompt for meetings.

Things to do when having to wait with a group

Of course this varies greatly from situation to situation, but here is a random collection of possibilities:

• Always have with you, perhaps in a backpack, a set of Koosh or other soft balls and a playground spot (which can become, among other things an indoor Frisbee).
  
• Farkle (rock, paper, scissors) contests.
  
• Count blue cars and license plate game.
  
• Try to guess what license plates with letters “mean” (winner is the one that has the most creative story).
  
• Interview other people in a line about something.
  
• Find a pole, such as a stick, a broom, whatever is available, and see who can balance it on the end of the finger the longest.
  
• If your tradition allows it, group card games (again kept in the backpack). The dumber the better: Old Maid, Fish....
  
• Word games, such as one person names an object, then successively, other name an object in the same class but the next sequential letter of the alphabet.
  
• See who can name the books of the Bible. No one? Then use the opportunity to teach them.
  
• Do “would you choose [a] or [b]” and “what would you do if . . . .”
  
• Circle games.

Delegate

Delegate everything that is delegatable (I don't care that this isn't a word):

• It doesn't matter if you can do it better
• It doesn't matter if you can do it faster or more efficient
• It doesn't matter if you like doing it
• Only if it is a core activity for you calling can you consider not delegating
• Sometimes delegation is time consuming and annoying but our people need the responsibility and we are not serving them if we do things for them.
• We will often get stuck with the dumb stuff that no one wants to do (such as budgetary stuff). That's fine.
• When you delegate, actually do so, without worrying it and them to death.
  • Only intervene if they ask for help (and only to the extent they ask, no more)
  • Intervene only to prevent someone from having egg on their face through a public failure
• All this applies equally to youth and adults

Group Fund Raising

Fund raising can be a group builder and worthwhile doing just for this sake. However:

• A project that is mostly done by parents and other adults benefits the youth only financially and lets them off the hook.
  
• A project that sends the youth out individually is less valuable than a project where they are working together.
  
• Even if you can get things donated or made by someone else, would the group gain by doing the preparation themselves? In other words, actually cooking the food themselves for a spaghetti dinner even though someone offers to cater it or having a baking party rather than only having people bring baked goods.
  
• A group project fund raiser also allows for youth that simply aren't or can't participate in an individualized fund raiser to be involved. Some youth can contribute time and effort but not money. Some youths are just too shy to do solicitations.
  
• Even though you can get away with it for awhile, congregations eventually tire of and resent fund raisers where they do not actually receive some value for their contributions.
  

dividing up a group into teams

1. Each time you divide up a group do it on a different criteria: by height, hair color, birthday, first name, middle name (“NMI” if they don't have a middle name), distance from the church that they were born...
   
2. Having them line up by some criteria but silently which makes lining up a game in and of itself.
3. Randomly give out colored candies that color their tongues, then divide them by tongue colors.

Pastoral care and your own mental health

Practice leaving pastoral concerns at the church.

Like ER personnel or Children's Oncology personnel, we cannot survive or give the love and care we need to give if we allow it to affect the other parts of our lives. This is hard, especially when we are on call 24/7 and have to spring into emotional if not physical action at a moment's notice. This mindset is really difficult but really makes a difference. We need to be able to weep openly and compassionately with a family and then go straight to a celebration with another family and then home untroubled so we can deal with the emotional issues of home life. This takes practice but can be learned.

Knowing developmental psychology

Knowing developmental psychology:

• Allows acceptance of annoying or troubling behaviors that are typical of an age.
  
• Helps in spotting truly atypical and problematic behaviors.
  
• Helps in reassuring parents that their kid is “normal.” (They are actually “typical” rather than “normal.”)
  
• Allows for age appropriate activities, neither leaving the younger ones clueless nor the older ones bored and insulted.
  
• Allows thoughtful and appropriate age groupings.
  

Mark Twain's Toad Rules

Mark Twain's Toad Rules

If it's your job to eat a frog (talk to an angry parent), it's best to do it first thing in the morning. Mark Twain's actual quote: “Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.”

And If it's your job to eat two frogs (talk to an angry parent or an angry boss), it's best to eat the biggest one first.

It is easy to postpone unpleasant things, but you feel SO MUCH better if you get them out of the way.

Your character

Self-knowledge can allow you to compensate for weaknesses, make use of strengths and help prevent bad things happening by accident.  A few specifics: 

• Humor: smart aleck is acceptable, sarcasm is not; teasing is acceptable, put downs are not.
• Moodiness – We're all moody in some form or other. What are your negative moods that can affect your ministry?
• Do you have someone that can objectively point out when you are being moody?
• You cannot quickly change your feelings, but you can change and control your behavior. If, for example, you are angry beyond what is called for by a situation you can say so out loud, and refuse the temptation to take the anger out on the kids. Privately bang on a wall or throw something if you need to...
• If you are feeling depressed or discouraged, work through it in an acceptable fashion, but don't make any rash decisions at such times.
• When exhilarated, don't make any rash promises either. Just enjoy those moments.
• Know your “hot buttons” so you'll recognize when kids are trying (consciously or unconsciously) to get your goat. Explicitly state that this is a hot button and that you are really mad, but you aren't going to let this change the situation. Then walk off to cool down. 
•  Let it be known that there are certain topics or situations that are off-limits.

Sleep issues on a trip or retreat

It is generally accepted that later adolescent's circadian clock is off by about 4 hours from adult society's. We can accommodate, take advantage and help them deal with it.

• Don't call them on a day off from school until after Noon.
• Lock-ins and other late night activities are good and work easily – for them.
• On week long trips, plan on at least the last night for them to stay up to 2-3 in the morning.
• On a week end retreat, church camp or activity where there is flexibility, consider having activities that last until 2-3 am and then sleep until 10 am.
• Remember that middle schoolers are not self regulating and if they do not get enough sleep they'll get sick.
• At an event when you have to abide by society's schedule (have to be at a work site by 8am, for example) simply acknowledge the problem and that you are sympathetic, but everyone is going to have to lump it, go to bed at a reasonable time and get up early. There is no point in fighting over it.

Protection from false accusations

“Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get you.”

• Youth or adults that will willfully try to destroy you are rare, but they do exist
• To protect against such, you need a balance between paranoia and good sense.
• Don't let fear of such people make your ministry less effective. Risk cannot be completely eliminated no matter what you do.
• A few precautions can take care of most possibilities.
• Take the advice about not ever being completely alone with a student, etc.
• I have kept my paper pocket calendars (non-volatile!) for 30 years. I can say where I was and when for 30 years back.
• I keep all old email, even “trash.”
• Periodically I go through and remove sections of emails from vendors or other irrelevant correspondents.
• When my trash and sent boxes get really large I spin then off (“Old Trash2”) and start with new, empty copies of these folders.
• When instant messaging was common I saved logs of all conversations.
• I've not worked out a good way of tracking Facebook conversations, but I do have notices sent to me as emails which are then automatically saved.
• I usually send text messages via SMS from my emailer (and it is therefore captured in my “Sent” box)
• These precautions don't take any time or resources but preserve records, if needed.
• I make sure the kids and parents know that I'm cautious in this way.

Taking care of yourself

The demands on a youth worker are beyond human capacity and yet we try to do it all. The results are not pretty. Here are some hints that aren't always covered in the manuals and periodicals.

1. We can't do everything – beware the “one thing too many syndrome.” There is a point at which we are at capacity – do not go beyond it.
   
   • Just because a neighbor church or a peer is doing something successful, you may not have the time or skill or interest to do it.
     
   • Resist pressure to reproduce other people's programs by being honest and saying what the problem is (e.g. “I don't have any more weekends left!”).
     
   • Consider or ask those pressing for a new program: What do we drop in order to add this activity?
2. Many things can be allowed to be mediocre. Evaluate the value of an effort based on long term effect on the youth or the program.
   
3. Make sure your basic human needs (love, food, sleep, sex) are being taken care of adequately.
   
   • If for some reason you are not able to do so in the fashion you would like, take the time to work out acceptable alternatives. Work on changing your mindset to be content with your situation.
     
   • Ignoring your sexual needs is a recipe for disaster. These cannot be ignored, suppressed or repressed. You want to make sure you take care of them in a socially and religiously acceptable manner.
     
   • Stop and figure out how much sleep you need, short-term and long term.
   • Look at an approaching week – over the course of it will you get your long term minimum.
   • If you have an event that will be pushing your short term limit (e.g. Lock-in) plan time off before and after for sleep and relaxation. You cannot “stock up” ahead on sleep, only make up it afterward, but if you are well rested going into an event you are more effective during it.
   • Be rigid about protecting your sleep quotas, everyone and all your work suffers when you are sleep deprived. Especially if you are going to be driving.
4. Have a day off, no-matter-what but make the actual day of the week flexible and make the plan publicly known. A rigid day off, will either limit what you can do or you'll not get a day off if you cannot avoid working on your day off. For example take Saturday off to be with family, unless you you have an event on Saturday, in which case take Friday off.
   
5. Have a hobby totally unrelated to your work that you enjoy (many like to hike, I like to do computer programming).
   
6. Plan breaks throughout the year rather than concentrating all such time off in one large vacation block.
   
7. As all the youth ministry literature insists, your family time is crucial for ever so many reasons. As the older people insist, children grow up and are gone very quickly. Don't miss this time with your children (and during the parenting rough times, remind yourself that these things will soon pass). Be prepared to take extra time when spouse, partner or children require it.
   
8. Have someone other than a spouse to unload on when frustrations build up – you need a pastor too.
   
9. Some people eat when frustrated others stop eating when frustrated. Know your maintenance calorie count and stay near it.
   
10. If you've been doing youth work which often take you outdoors for a very long time get a dermatologist and monitor your skin on a regular basis.
    
11. Find a type of heavy exercise you can enjoy and do it 3-4 times a week. A noon time work-out breaks the day, reduces stress and avoids a big meal.
    
12. Although they are expected in the business world, try to avoid breakfast and lunch meetings. Especially if you tend too eat too much at such meetings.
    

If you do not have children

If you do not have children, it will be easy for parents to dismiss you because you “have not experienced what they've experienced.”

• As maddening as this is, be patient and tolerant. It serves no purpose to get huffy.
  
• Take the public tact that it is to the parent's advantage that you don't have children:
  

• You can be objective and dispassionate.
  
• You can be a go-between between the youth and the parents.
  
• You can react to the youth in a non-parent fashion.
  

Listen but do not hear.

“Listen but do not hear.”

• If you keep quiet when they are relating to each other, whether in a van on a trip or on a social networking site or just sitting around at youth group, they will say amazing things, as if you aren't really there.
• It is important not to “really be there” at those times. Take in useful or important information but do not react or interact at those times. Just file the information.
• This allows you to think ahead about how you will react or respond to the issue if they should bring it to you directly. You won't, at the time when they need you, be shocked or offended or surprised.
• These situations are also good for learning about their culture and situation.
• Don't believe everything you hear.
  

Lock-ins: Some variations

Just throwing out some different approaches to the traditional Lock-in. Each idea however assumes that it is an all-nighter. What other variations are out there?

• A MAD lock-in (Music, Art, Drama): have specialists come in to lead hands-on music, art or drama projects. Have everything working toward designing a worship service. Maybe plan on doing the service with the whole congregation at some point.
• A Movie Lock-in. Go to one or more movies in theaters, then come back and watch movies at the church. With theological reflection, of course.
• A progressive lock-in. Every hour or so go to different location, like participant's homes, for a portion of the lock-in. Of course have these per-arranged.
• A service lock-in where you do projects for various agencies such as making hygiene kits for Presbyterian Disaster Assistance, or sorting clothes at the local emergency shelter.
• 30 hour famine
• A surprise lock-in. Maybe I'll do a separate post on this one. It works but has to be done carefully.

Lock-in alternatives: A Lock-out

Instead of being confined to one place, spend the night going places, doing things.

• Meet at the usual lock-in place and have arrangements with parents for pick-up at that location in the morning.
• Go from place to place, checking out what goes on in your community late at night
• Some things to check out:
  • All night diners
  • Late night movie showing
  • Take cookies to Fire-department, Police department, Emergency room (per-arrange these and then double check just before going to them, in case of an emergency)
  • Tour of night shift at a factory, printing facility, etc
  • Night shelter – perhaps serving breakfast to them in the morning
  • Airport

Lock-ins -- best practices

Things to keep in mind in order to have a safe and pleasant (relatively speaking) lock-in

• Have an opposite gender counselor commit to staying up all night or get a pair to agree to spell each other. There should be one of each gender awake the entire night, even if all the youth conk out
  
• Have the event in the church or at least close to home so neither you nor any of your counselors are having to drive very far the next morning.
  
• If someone absolutely has to leave early, require that a parent pick them up. This will cut down on kids just deciding they want to leave and eliminate the possibility of misunderstandings.
  
• When the group leaves to go somewhere, remind them of any neighbors, so that they are not disturbing the peace when they are outside.
• Be sure to call the police department and give them a head's up that you all will be wandering around the church all night. If you will be going out at any point be sure to mention it.
• You might bring a spare t-shirt and a towel for yourself to cleanup and refresh in the middle of the night.
  
• Observe the normal precautions of there never being two people alone together
  
• Have lots of food but make sure that there is adequate food for restricted diets and proper precautions for food allergies
  
• Be alert for prank calling and texting in the middle of the night
  

Lock-ins -- Things to do

There needs to be a constant stream of things to do. Something planned for every hour.

• This assumes the obvious: Bible study, board games, worship and the like.
  You might consider starting the event late (9 or 10 pm) for kids that have other activities or obligations that evening.
  
• Plan activities that require thought earlier in the event.
  
• Sardines and other active games in the main building is a great middle of the night activity.
  
• If held in a large building and/or an old building, explore in the middle of the night all the hidden, odd, underground, and/or scary spaces
  
• Have a selection of food. You might put it out progressively.
  
• Making Ice cream sundaes at 1am is a good activity. This can be a “competitive event” (in teams) with recognition for best looking, best tasting, most creative, etc.
  
• You need something memorable for each Lock-in. This can be a trip somewhere, a scavenger hunt of some sort, go to a midnight showing of a movie together.
  
• Indoor frisbee miniature  golf
  Have someone bring a couple of (boring) movies to put on after 2am. Most kids will conk out.
  
• Go out for breakfast.
  

Lock-ins -- basics

Sorry, lock-ins are good, helpful group builders. Since youth work is about youth and not us we sometimes have to sacrifice ourselves for the kids.

• The good news: these get easier and easier as you get older.
  
• One of the best things about a lock-in is that it will be a random collection out of the group that will stay up all night, thus forcing a mixing of the group. This phenomenon plus the breaking down of inhibitions because of lack of sleep can bond divided, cliquish groups.
  
• Do no allow sleeping bags or pajamas, etc. Otherwise the lock-in then becomes a co-ed sleepover, which is a whole different event. Pillows are acceptable, however.
  
• Have a designated, supervised sleep area for those that absolutely have to get at least a little sleep.
  
• When talking to parents assure them that there will be a designated, supervised sleep area for those that absolutely have to get at least a little sleep. If their kid doesn't sleep, it was his/her decision; that option was there...
  

Mission Tour (rather than Mission Trip)

A Mission Tour travels each day to a new mission site to spend the day. These aren't done much anymore but are really interesting and helpful, educationally. They are sometimes better than a week long trip where you are given one or two days of good work and then a lot of make-work projects to fill the time.

The contents of my backpack

Over the years I discovered the value of a well stocked backpack. I was ready for any situation: stuck with a youth group at a snowed-in airport (games to play), building houses in Mexico (lamb's wool), looking for a lost kid (flashlight), cutting a youth out of a binding piece of rope (knife), on and on.

This is a rather random seeming list of junk, but each item has served a purpose. People of different genders, cultures or geographic areas may want to add other items to the list. Please add your suggestions as comments to this post.

Notebook paper

clothes pin (to clip paper down in a wind)

Various pens, pencils (knife works as a pencil sharpener)

PostIt Notes (many, many purposes)

Chapstick

Multiblade pocket knife (yes, I've lost a couple to the TSA at airports, although I've inadvertently smuggled knives onto an airplane THREE TIMES. Which is kind of scary.)

Small songbook

Pocket package of Kleenex

Pocket package of hand wipes

Markers and, of course, a Sharpie or two

Gum, breath freshener

Eyewash, contact case, wetting solution

An expandable Ethernet cable and USB connector

A covey of Koosh balls

A “spot marker” to use as an indoor frisbee

Miniature deck of cards

band-aids

Ear plugs

Q-tips

matches

Lamb's Wool (to protect against blisters)

Bill sized envelopes

USB flash drive

Aspirin/Tylenol/Advil

I suppose people with more delicate stomachs should carry Tums...

length of string

Masking tape

Ankle wrap

lightweight, throwaway rain coat

small flashlight

Batteries (which has caused my packback to be inspected by the TSA...)

What else should be on this list?

Being treated badly on a Mission trip

Warn a group of the need to be thick-skinned. Especially on a domestic mission trip, the people being helped may be used to abuse and having people either take advantage of them or be condescending to them. Only patience and humility can overcome their distrust. If it looks like this is going to be a problem on a trip have sessions studying the various "last shall be first" and "servant of all" passages. Prepare and explain in advance what may happen.

(On one trip it was only when our “rich, city kids” got down on their knees and scrubbed the toilets for the facility that they were at that they were finally accepted and appreciated.)

Spending money

Do not have any activities or situations where the youth are expected to have money. Some may not have much and it puts them in a really awkward bind. All “required” expenses (from meals, to recreation) should come out of the collective treasury. Only personal expenses (from snack food to gifts for family) are to be paid for by the youth.

Where to stay on trips

For the sake of group building, avoid motel like accommodations.

• You need, as a minimum, a large common room where the group can hang out.
  
• You need recreational facilities: basketball, running track, space for Ultimate, ping pong and/or pool table.
  
• Dormitories and church camps are the best facilities, but Church basements work too.
  
• Retreat Centers often do not work very well (no recreational facilities, maybe not even a common room).
  

Left over food

There is almost always a homeless shelter in the area that will be glad to take all the left over foods, cooked or otherwise.

Requiring deposits

With some youth in some areas of the country, it is common for kids to wait to the last minute to make reservations while in other areas it is common for them to make early reservations and then cancel at the last minute. In either case a rigid deposit system and cut off dates are a help. There are real costs associated with preparation for an event, and preparation is usually based on expected attendance. These costs are paid for by the deposits. Do not compromise on Deposits – they don't go, they don't get their deposit back. Everyone thinks their excuses is excusable.

In a bad mood

Do you recognize when you are having a mood that is not really related to what is going on? These can be body chemistry induced moods. (I sometimes get anxious for no real reason, for example. I think it is reaction to hot dogs.) These kinds of things can be recognized and, therefore, controlled. (“There is no earthly reason for me to be anxious at this time, so I will not let it get to me.”)