Know their home life

Not just in general “a broken home” or a “mean mother” or whatever broad and probably inaccurate characteristics. You need to know the parents and you need to know how they are interacting with their children at that moment. As we've discussed before, youth change and change on a dime. But so do the adults. “Perfect” relationships can fall apart at any moment and terrible relationships can be repaired at any moment. We cannot take things for granted. When a youth makes a comment about their parents, is it just a random comment they really don't take seriously? Is it a natural comment based on the youth's development? Is it a reflection of a single dispute that will soon pass or be resolved? Is it a common problem?

• It is important not to react immediately to anything.
• If it is repeated or come up again, it may be significant
• Explore gently with the usual “oh?” or “How bad?” or “Is this something new?” or other open ended questions that can be interpreted by the youth in whatever way they need to interpret it
• Consider what you know of the youth and of the parents to decide how much weight and slant to put on the statement
• Carefully show that you believe the youth (and do believe them, even if you think there is a context that makes it seem less than or other than what it seems on the surface).
  • Even if they lie frequently, it is dangerous to get into the habit of not believing them – the one time they are telling the truth is the one time you have to believe them
  • Discount for hyperbole and youthful drama but look for the kernel of truth
  • Believing them does not mean automatically calling 911
  • If it is an important enough issue, such as physical abuse, gently suggest that the only reasonable reaction is for the two of you to go get help. If there is panic in their eyes as they say, “no, I didn't mean that...” then you probably need to get them help. If they look, frustrated (as in “you idiot, that's not what I meant”) then you might stop and explore the subject more.