Packing vans for trips

• In 12/15 passenger vans, catalog cases fit very nicely between the driver and passenger seat.
• Most traditional vans have a removable seat to create luggage space. Mini-buses usually have some area for storage.
• Bring several trash bags in each vehicle.
• Packing
• Do not allow anyone to put anything on the van, car or bus until all or almost all have arrived. Then systematically load the luggage.
• Then let people claim the spaces in the vehicle. If a row of seats has to have luggage, use the back seat. This pushes the kids forward, for better monitoring, better mixing among the group and better weight distribution.
• The rest is common sense and a lot of cramming.

Evangelism

Evangelism is not evangelism if it is not bringing people to Christ. There are some surprising, if subtle, anti-evangelism techniques, however.

• preaching to the choir. If a youth is already a believer, they don't need evangelism they need discipleship. Don't call it evangelism if it is not. Focus on developing them, not reiterating the same basic message.
• Recruiting a believing youth from another youth program or church is not evangelism it is recruitment (maybe even sheep stealing). “Correcting” their theology is not evangelism, don't call it that.
• Proclaiming a Gospel that is so negative, harsh or judgmental that it drives people away is anti-evangelism.
• An evangelism by example is not evangelism. To be blunt, no matter how good and Christian your behavior is most people are too oblivious to guess why you are nice. You have to actually tell them why, explicitly.
• A Gospel message that is so mild, vague or compromised that no one can see the good news in it is not evangelism. Youth, especially middle adolescents, need something concrete, worthwhile and exciting to commit to.
  We have a responsibility to try to reach the non-believer with the Good News of the Gospel. For most youth workers, the opportunities for this are limited, but we need to make sure we aren't doing anything to prevent these opportunities. This may mean reaching out to youth that are outside your group, perhaps even incompatible with your group. This may mean softening or strengthening your message or approach to be more effective. Theological purity, comfort zones (yours, they youth's, the church's), ease or your sense of importance are all irrelevant.

Having your own children in a group

Often it is unavoidable to work with your own children, but...

• Actually it is best if parents do not work directly with their own children, even though this is unavoidable in many situations. Parent instincts are very strong and hard to counter!
  
• I always told my counselors, young and old that for the course of the event, they were not related to anyone at the event. Act like it.
  
• The rules about favoritism apply here.
  

Trip orientation meetings: Compromise

During trip orientation one of the messages that can be given:
Recognize that you are only one of 27 people and have only 1/27^th of a right to get your own way. If 14 decide something, the other 13 will have to go along or lump it.

• If you lose gracefully we all will have a better time and the others will be more willing to be gracious when you get your way.
  
• As an example: this is too large a group and it is too expensive to try to please everyone on food. While honoring allergies, we have to go with standard, generic meals and everyone will eat what is served or starve.
  
• There will be personality conflicts – learn to live with them. This is a valuable life learning!
  

Games Students Play: "Blemish"

This is game for a group of youth. They have a target which can be a youth that is not present, an adult leader, minister, teacher, any easy target. The game is simply an escalating series of attacks on the person being critiqued. If it goes too long and without intervention it can get quite vicious, even violent. The criticisms can go from legitimate concerns to out and out lies.

Breaking this game up is a little easier than Sweetheart because the victim is not present. If you hear this going on, simply insert yourself into the conversation and explain what you hear happening. Good kids will be embarrassed about having been caught participating and will quickly disown the conversation and defend the person that had been under attack. You may be able to take one of the comments made and explain how it is untrue and unfair to the victim.

If the instigator has a grudge against the victim or some other incentive, they may try to keep it going or be unhappy with you (and perhaps try to start a game of “I win you lose.”).

Counseling youth

When you are counseling a youth over serious matters:

• Avoid being an armchair psychologist, unless you really are a psychologist.
  
• For most youth ministers our job is to determine the level of need and refer. We are triage.
  
• Keep the focus on immediate concerns and issues, unless you are trained and have the time for analysis.
• Keep in mind that youth get over most things very quickly. They may not need to keep rehashing old issues. In fact they may be done with a discussion before you are and want to get out of there.
  
• Remember the age and development of the youth. Deep psychological information probably will not be very meaningful or helpful.
  

Being yourself but also up on things.

Be yourself and age appropriate while you are keeping up with the youth culture. You need to be yourself and they need you to be different from them.

• Dress like your peers not theirs.
  
• Know their lingo but avoid using it unless it is in common usage. They want to have their own language that is not known by adults. You need to know it so you are aware of problems and issues, but pretend not to know their more esoteric language. (recognize that some slang, even if it has a raunchy origin may not be viewed as meaning what it used to mean. Don't worry about it.)
  
• As much as I missed it, I stopped dancing in their presence, since they find “old people” (over 20) dancing as being embarrassing and inappropriate.
  
• It is another topic I'll addressed, but it is ok to accept, even like some of their music, but if it appears that your taste and their line up exactly, they won't like it and it may suggest that you don't have any taste of your own.
  

One characteristic of youth to keep in mind

The current generation of youth sometimes called the “Millennial Generation,” (centered on year 1990 and running up to those born in this century) for the most part, expect to be a part of the action in everything, they are not used to passively watching anything.

When an older youth says something shocking

Older youth may deliberately try to shock, especially if they are in an uncomfortable situation. This can be in the form of foul language, a joke, a question or a story.

• It can be an attempt to push an adult away or an attempt to shock just for amusement.
  
• This is often a test to see how the adult will react. Try not to react, but rather be matter-of-fact as if you are mature enough to handle the issue (no matter what you feel inside).
  
• If it is a question (such as a question about some kind of sexual practice) try to answer factually and matter-of-factly – and if you don't know the facts, calmly say that you'll have to research it and get back to them (they probably would rather you didn't). If it is a personal question simply respond that you won't ask them personal questions if they won't ask you personal questions.
  
• If it is a joke see previous post given for early adolescents.
  
• If it is story, suggest they talk to you privately about it. If it is a true story they may come to you and have a meaningful discussion. If it is not true they'll either confess or let it drop.
  
• There is no good way to be sure whether some of these stories or questions are made up and are simply to try to side-track or upset you or are for real and need to be dealt with. The best advice is to take seriously but not push too far or too hard.

Games Students Play: I win/you lose

(Be sure you have read the introduction to these "games":Games Students Play)
A youth/adult game. The goal for the youth is to turn a nice, calm adult into the “bad guy” by goading them, “pushing their buttons.” forcing issues. There are a thousand variations on what they will do, but the end result is that the adult over-reacts (“one more animal noise during prayer time and I'm calling your parents”). All the kids will know that the punishment doesn't fit the crime, so the adult looks mean to everyone present.

Since the youths that do this are good at finding our weaknesses and exploiting them, this is a hard game to break up.:

• We can be superhuman in not over-reacting no matter how badly we want to
• We can watch and when we see another of the adults being goaded into this game, intervene, taking over interacting with the youth while the adult can go cool off.
• Establish in advance rules with consequences for things that are unacceptable to you. For example, before it becomes a problem ask the group what the consequence should be for being disruptive and rude during prayer time. This then allows you to be the good guy (“The rule is that you must **** for being disruptive but, since this is the first offense, I'll soften it a bit – is that ok group?”)
• Have a discussion about what you see happening (“Is it fair that I'm being pushed into over-reacting? What do you all think about this?”) Of course disruptors usually don't want a discussion. They may be trying to get out of a discussion with their disruptive behavior.

Staying up late on trips

Staying up late is natural for older youth and the desire to stay up and socialize past what is reasonable is strong. Staying up really late one night doesn't matter, but 3+ nights and they'll get sick.

• Try making a deal with them that if they go down without a struggle the rest of the nights they can stay up really late on the last night.
  
• On a late night there has to be an adult awake, so negotiate someone to take that shift.
  
• Recruit a young adult who hasn't yet shifted to “normal” sleep patterns to be a counselor and give them this duty.
  
• Make sure drivers have an opportunity to get a full night's sleep.
  
• Have the sleeping areas off limits so those ready to sleep can do so. Others can stay up to a reasonable time, given the nature of the next day's activities.
  

A principle of youth ministry

If you can delegate something, you should, even if you can do it faster, better, easier even if it is something you like or get positive responses to (ego strokes).  

• There is always more that needs to be done than we can possibly do.  We have to delegate.
• We need to getas many people involved as possible.  It is ministry for them.  We shouldn't rob them of it.
• If someone can and will do something, we need to give it to them and go on to something else.
• We may be called by God to do the dumb stuff no one else will do.
• When we delegate, we need to delegate it.  Let go.  Don't hang over them to make sure they do it right.

Caravans

Groups often travel in caravans with the intention of keeping the vehicles together.  This is easier said than done.  Here are a few hints from years of experience.

• Have one vehicle with an up-to-date GPS and let that be the official navigator and final arbitrator on route. Don't waste time arguing about routes, it really doesn't matter if one route can save 15 minutes over another.
• Before you leave make sure each driver has every other driver's cell number.
• The drivers never use the cell phones (even with Bluetooth or hand's free). The “shotgun” person does all the communicating with the other vehicles or the passengers using the driver's cell phone.
• Resist the temptation to race the other vehicles.

Deposits and reservations

It is generally a good idea to change a non-refundable deposit for major (expensive) events.

1. For some events, the pre-event costs (reservations, transportation, publicity, office expenses) are high and others fairly low, but a deposit policy needs to be uniform across all events to avoid confusion.
   
2. Establish a standard deposit amount for week-end events and week long events.
   
3. Do not accept a reservation based on a promise to get the deposit in. No deposit, no reservation.
   

Counselors with younger children

If a counselor needs to bring along a younger child to an event, camp, etc, this can usually work if there is at least a two year gap between the child and the youngest camper.

• If the ages are too close, it confuses roles and causes problems.
  
• Actually, campers usually enjoy having a younger child along. The campers like “babysitting” the children.
  
• A child that is the opposite gender as the parent that is over four will need a same gender adult to take them into their dorm or sleeping facility at night.

Games Studenets Play -- Uproar

A youth/leader game. (Be sure you have read the introduction to these "games":Games Students Play)

The purpose is to cause an uproar and by so doing destroy whatever is going on – a youth group meeting, a discussion, lesson, a game, whatever. The goal may be to get attention, or to create a distraction to avoid something such as a student who is not able to read in a situation where they might have to.

This can also be a form of “Cops and Robbers” (See a later post on this game)

The game is initiated by the youth causing a commotion in any fashion: falling over backwards in their chair, letting out an expletive, or a loud fart, hitting/tripping/insulting someone, saying something funny and off topic, generally being rude and uncooperative...

This is a difficult game to break because it is hard not to react to the uproar. If the first attempt by the youth is ignored, which it should be if at all possible, they may escalate to something more dramatic. It is important to remain calm and not get heavy handed or overreact. These only makes things worse.

Try to decide why they have started this:

• attention? Try to give them positive attention, “Jane, could you help us out by showing us how to...”
• To avoid something? Then change what is being planned to take the pressure off. By changing directions it also pushes the reset button on the game.
• They are bored? Think about not being boring.

If you can't seem to break it, ask the offending party to go with you to get something the group needs. When out of the room, ask them why they are being so disruptive today. Can you do something to help them be ok?

Working with student or parent misperceptions

Misperceptions are a normal and constant part of youth ministry.  People misunderstand our actions, intentions or ideas.  One of the common misperceptions is whether or not we favor one youth over another.  Using that as an example here are a few hints for dealing with any kind of misperception.

• Look objectively or get a second opinion to make sure they and not you are misperceiving things.  Maybe you are inadvertently favoring one youtn
• Do not directly attack the misperception – “You're wrong, I don't favor others” – or be defensive -- "I give Julie attention because she doesn't whine all the time."
•  Without being obvious, give counter examples: “Did you notice how everyone listened to your idea? They really seem to appreciate you” “Did you know that the youth group liked Susie's idea and they are following her lead on the project.”
•  Always give them time. They change on a dime. The problem may go away in a month.
•  Sometimes they feel better about a situation or program in retrospect. They may go through the whole, “We've never done this before; Do we have to?” routine, but in the end enjoy themselves and want to do it again.

A general principle for youth ministry

If no one wants to work on a project/event/activity it doesn't need to be done.  

• Whether they've always done it or whether you like it and want them to try it is not meaningful. 
• This is also a good way to kill a bad idea without being a bad guy. 
• You don't have to argue against it. 
• Just wait and if it gets selected by the group, then ask who'll be in charge.  The kids are smart enough not to volunteer to do something they can't do. 
• If someone volunteers and pulls it off you've learned something.

When a youth's reaction to you doesn't make sense

Youths, particularly middle adolescents, tend to relate to an adult in the same fashion as they do their parent of the same gender. If they are having a good relationship with their father they will probably have a good relationship with a male sponsor. If they are having a stormy relationship with their mother they will probably have a stormy relationship with a female sponsor. It doesn't mean that they “love” you or “hate” you. They are acting out their relationship with their parent. Be patient with them and don't take it too seriously.

Sexting

The current problem of adolescents sending naked pictures of themselves by cell phone or Internet is a combination of compartmentalization where they consider church, school, home, social life as distinct and unrelated areas, and a lack of a sense of cause and effect.

1. Compartmentalization is a hard nut to crack and I'll deal with it in a separate post.
2. As many people do, you can bring up the idea that future employers will not be impressed if you have a record for something that dumb.
   
3. Another approach, which is statistically unlikely but is possible: “Did you know that your pictures are on servers around the world and that these servers can be and are hacked? What do you think about some really creepy person getting a hold of and sharing your pictures? ...”
   

Vulgar Middle Schoolers

Pre- and early adolescents will sometimes say something vulgar, usually in the form of a “dirty” joke or sexual allusion, to some adult they want to “impress.” Sometimes they don't even know or understand what they are saying.

• Do not embarrass them by rebuking or chastising.
• Do not encourage them either.Show by your reaction that, as an adult, that sort of thing is not shocking but not impressive either. 
• Let the joke just fall flat and go on as if not said.

Drama Kings/Queens

We all have “drama kings/queens” who thrive on being upset. They are not happy unless they are unhappy.

• Their issues should always be taken seriously. No matter how many times we've been through something with them or with others, it is very real to them at the moment. We need to treat it as if it is real.
  
• On the other hand, we need not feed the fire by over-reacting and thereby reinforcing their use of drama for attention.
  
• React to the crisis with calm, low-key, non-public attention.
  
• If they are drawing in other adults or youth, suggest to the other people involved that it is up to you to take care of the issue and they can leave it alone. Have them suggest to the youth that they talk to you directly. Someone needs to address the issue, but 14 people addressing it will be confusing, counter productive, and give the problem and person too much attention, making it most attractive for a repeat performance. You can, similarly, let someone else on the team take the lead and you keep gently referring the youth to that person.
  

Fun vs Missions

Having done youth ministry for 50 years, I've seen some major changes in attitudes by the youth. Although there are always variations and one group may fit a pattern more than others, one of the interesting changes is that in the early days of my ministry fun activities brought the kids out and service projects drove them away. The current generation prefers worthwhile to fun.

• The last 10 years of my ministry I could count on better attendance for service projects than fun nights.
• However, just I used to push my early kids to do worthwhile things, we need to help the current generation to have fun. They need, for their health and well-roundness to be helped to be youth in all its silliness
• One way to accomplish this is to make sure regular events have a fun component. Either a part of every youth meeting is fun and silliness, or once a month.
• When planning a mission trip or other bigger events build in a fun day or time. I usually put this midweek rather than at the end in order to break up the week.

A problem with Mission Trip sites

Many great mission projects are run by people with a passion for people. They may not be good organizers. It is very hard on a group to show up ready to work and find that things aren't ready for them. At least prepare the youth for this and have them work on interacting with the people while waiting for the project to begin.

Cultural differences

We all tend toward cultural stereotypes. We need to not only fight this within ourselves but explicitly with our youth.

• These are subtler and more pernicious when the “native” people are of the same language and ethnicity as the group.
  
• Have a discussion about accents and differing language patterns. These have nothing to do with intelligence or education. No accent is superior to another.
  
• Try to learn and share some of the cultural differences with the group in advance.
• As an example, gift giving in Mexico is quite different than in much of the rest of North America. It can lead to misunderstandings to not know the differences.
  
• Driving patterns can be dangerously different in different parts of the US.
  
• Some language phrases are acceptable in one area and not acceptable in another.
  
• Even levels of friendliness are interpreted differently in different parts of the country.
  
• Clothing patterns differ as well.

Games Students Play -- "You are so wonderful/Yes, I am aren't I"

Games Students Play -- "You are so wonderful/Yes, I am aren't I" (Be sure you have read the introduction to these "games":Games Students Play)

A youth leader/youth game.

This is such an obvious one I don't know why we ever fall for it, but we do. A youth praises us or "sucks up to us" and we like it. It feeds our ego. We agree. All of a sudden that youth becomes a favorite youth, they get some kind of special attention or favor or reward and responds with more praise and attention. And off it goes.

This can become seriously destructive with the possibilities being:

• We think more highly of ourselves than we ought. Our egotism may drive others away or we do something poorly because we believe we can do it when we can't.
• The favored youth takes advantage of their position at the expense of other youth
• Non-favored youth may join in, in order to be favored too, or, not being hypocritical, resist that temptation, get disgusted and leave
• Non-favored youth get ignored and drop out
• The relationship between leader and youth can become unhealthy as one or the other "fall in love" with the other

To break this game:

• Be alert to the possibility and not get sucked in
• Have someone you rely on and trust, like a spouse, who's job it is to keep your feet on the ground
• Consciously make sure that all your youth are treated equally, no matterwhat. Playing up to you gets a youth no favors and being rude/frank/honest to you doesn't get the youth unreasonable retribution.

Counselor training topics for Mission trips

Counselor training. Make sure everyone is on the same page:

• Go over the official policy and style including how the policy plays out in real life (i.e. "no leaving the site with only 1 camper and 1 adult")
• 3rd day out Syndrome
• Explain that there will be both chaos & dead times on the work site. This is a given and we may not be able to “fix” these and other site related things. It is not our job to mess with the local organization or customs, our job is to the do the job assigned our group. Relaxing and going with the flow is healthier for all.
• Go over or negotiate the dorms, common room, sleep rules and practices.
• Go over the basic health practices and procedure. Who does what when there is an accident.  Where are the forms, releases, etc
• Gambling is sometimes a problem. Establishing a policy in advance is a good idea..
• For a group of any size, restaurant and food selection needs to be predetermined and rigid. Have the counselors know that they need to help the group accept this and not be a problem themselves.
• Make clear their responsibilities for supervising and controlling the youth and how “hand-offs” (when a youth is passed from one adult to another) are to work.

If you are in charge...

When traveling with a group, dress as if you are in charge so that people dealing with the group know who to come to or address.

Using cash at a fast food restaurant

At a restaurant where it is not possible or is more convenient to not use a credit card, have them break into groups of 4 and give them a $20 (or appropriate amount for the meal and location) out of a cash envelope. They are to return change to the person who gave them the money. Add up the change and subtract from the amount given out and this is the amount to put on the outside of the envelope indicating what was spent. It is best to capture this information immediately rather than waiting to when it is convenient or relying on getting receipts.

Fun vs service

Having done youth ministry for 50 years, I've seen some major changes in attitudes by the youth. Although there are always variations and one group may fit a pattern more than others, one of the interesting changes is that in the early days of my ministry fun activities brought the kids out and service projects drove them away. The current generation prefers worthwhile to fun.

• The last 10 years of my ministry I could count on better attendance for service projects than fun nights.
• However, just I used to push my early kids to do worthwhile things, we need to help the current generation to have fun. They need, for their health and well-roundness to be helped to be youth in all its silliness
• One way to accomplish this is to make sure regular events have a fun component. Either a part of every youth meeting is fun and silliness, or once a month.
• When planning a mission trip or other bigger events build in a fun day or time. I usually put this midweek rather than at the end in order to break up the week.

Games Students Play -- Sweetheart

"Sweetheart" (Be sure you have read the introduction to these "games":Games Students Play)

A Youth to youth game. This is the classic double sided complement put down: “What a lovely dress … I had one just like it, last year” “Good try on that fly ball... if only you had caught it” “they really should have invited you to the party... but I understand why they didn't” so on and so forth.

This game is really hard to break up because if you interfere or try to counter the negative part of the comment it just draws attention to the put down youth. The down-puter can also respond “I didn't say anything mean..” or “they know I'm just teasing.”

Any counter response (such as “yes, that is a lovely dress I've seen a movie star wearing one”) will just sound lame. The best response is to ignore the interchange, but soon thereafter give the victim a real and valid complement.

You can also have a program on put downs and their destructiveness. For younger your this means a surface level discussion identifying specific kinds of put downs and setting some kind of group system for reminding each other that put downs are not acceptable at church. This can be a hand signal or an “insiders” phrase. We used “no plutoing” (in honor of the one time planet that was put down by scientists). This would then be a signal that an unidentified put down just happened. This is how Middle Schoolers learn.