Moratorium #3: How to allow for it

The youth themselves need to have the ability to opt out of things when the stress gets to high for them.

• When lining up people to do a project or responsibility, use volunteers
  • Publicly asking someone to do it, or worse, holding an election or accepting nominations is to risk having the wrong person be selected.
  • If no one volunteers, this may be a sign that the project or responsibility is not one that the youth should be undertaking
  • If the same people always volunteer, it is ok to say out loud “xxx is already doing a lot, how about someone else stepping up.”
• If no one volunteers, but you are confident it is doable and worth doing, wait until after the meeting and approach a good candidate, and ask them to consider it. If they look panicked or angry, back off.
• Sometimes the youth enters a need for moratorium after they are already committed. If you are aware that this is happening, approach them and ask if you can “help out” a bit. Do what you can to relieve the stress without the public being aware of it.

Your predecessor left you with a mess

Sometimes a well intentioned leader can have a program that is diametrically opposed to your philosophy of youth ministry – or even opposed to good sense. Changes are not only in order but necessary, as soon as possible.

• Again, you gain nothing by attacking your predecessor or even of the program itself.
  
• Look at the programs that are established and you will get resistance to if you change them too soon. One group I inherited was big on initiations and other humiliation “games” which I find offensive. But I didn't come in and self-righteously declare them bad. Over time, we just “forget” to do them and replaced them with better games.
• If you can invoke “health and safety” or other objective concerns, this helps. I retired “Fuzzy Bunnies” by saying how funny and disgusting the game was, but I had discovered that their was a real choking hazard.
• Make replacement programs better and more fun than what is being replaced
• Be sympathetic when people say “But we've never done it that way before.” Then wait it out.
• Give a positive, Biblical, theological reason for what you want to do. Again, don't put down or disparage the old program, just justify the replacement program.

Establishing a leadership style: Introduction

To a certain extent we are who we are. But humans are also flexible and adaptable and can learn new ways of operating, within a range. The youth are worth the effort to modify your way of doing things. The trick is identifying what needs to change. Are you controlling and need to learn to back off? Are you hyper-emotional? Too detached? Inappropriately sarcastic? …. We want to be the best we can be, which means learning how to improve ourselves and our interactions and leadership style.

Get acquainted game: “Gunfighter”

The person in middle of the circle spins around and points to someone with right or left hand. Person pointed to has to name the person to their left or right before the person in middle can say “bang, bang, bang.” Oh, all right: the person in the middle can say “flower, flower, flower.”

Moratorium #2: Balance between moratorium and encouragement

Some youth need to be pushed beyond their present character, others need to be allowed to chill for awhile. I've had some great leaders that went on to great things after being pushed to try bigger and more important projects as a youth. I have also watched a youth crash and burn, even attempt suicide, because they weren't allowed a break in the constant pressure. Sometimes it was the smallest of additional pressure that pushed them over the edge. Some guidelines for choosing between these approaches:

• When in doubt, err on the side of backing off. Not pushing a kid to their potential is less destructive than pushing a kid to the breaking point.
• When a kid looks you in the eye and says, “I can't do it” they probably can't, go with plan B.
• When a kid timidly says, “I don't think I can do it” encourage them and stay the course.
• Remember the adage that too much pressure at too young of an age makes a person fragile rather than strong.
• Keep in mind the adage that the youth needs to be progressively given responsibility and freedom from 6^th to 12^th grade. They are closely monitored at 6^th grade and totally independent by the end of 12^th grade. Structure youth activities accordingly and give out responsibilities appropriately.

Group in a bad mood

 From time to time a group may be in a bad mood -- for whatever reason.  Additionally, when a group is having to deal with a new person (you?) they almost always get in a bad mood after a week or two.  Change is a stresser for groups.

• Do not define the group by these passing phases.  They are not a bad group because they sometimes are in a bad mood.
• Think about what may have put them in a bad mood.  Can the problem be mitigated?  Do you need to punt for one time together?  Try going out for ice cream -- a panacea for bad moods.
• At all costs, wait it out.  It should pass, although there are rare groups that are just cranky.
• Hold not grudges or remembered hurts from such times.  Grudges serve no positive purpose, and accumulate until you resent everyone...

Your predecessor did a good job

Even if you get tired of hearing about him/her, always complement them for anything they did right. It doesn't hurt you at all if people continues to think highly of them (after all, you have the job now, they don't). Build on and, possibly, over time, away from, their program.

Moratorium: When a youth needs to catch a break

Periodically, usually just before a developmental step, a youth needs less stress and some time to contemplate life. This can be quite important for a youth's development and health. I'll comment on how to deal with kids who need a moratorium later.

• These are somewhat unpredictable, since they typically begin before the obvious parts of a developmental step (e.g. when they grow a foot, or other physiological phenomenon)
• Different youth, of course, react differently so recognizing the need for a moratorium may not be easy.
• A sudden change in personality (that is not a result of drug use) can be a sign.
• Apathy is a particularly good sign of their need to go internal.
• They may try to withdraw or drop out.
• Some youth will get strung out and tense or become frantic whenever they have any pressure put on them. (Some youth are that way always, but that is a different situation.)
• They often will become negative and self-deprecating, even antagonistic.
• Negative traits that are either uncharacteristic or suddenly and unusually strong may be signs of internal pressures.
• Currently, parents, school and other cultural situations do not recognize and allow for moratoria. Whereas older generations were allowed to retire to their rooms, listen to loud music for hours on end, modern youth are sent for counseling and are bombarded with text messages and facebook posts that don't allow the level of introspection that is needed.

Introducing a new song to a group

A contradictory pair of suggestions:

• If a group doesn't relate to a song, don't do it.
  
• However, some songs grow on a group and once they've sung it enough times it becomes “We've always done it” and then they'll keep it. Make sure such songs are worth the struggle.
  

Staff intersections

We often associate overlaps between staff members and between departments as areas of conflict and turn wars.  Instead turn them into opportunities for ministry.  

• Identify points of intersection between staff members' work, and consciously find ways of making these intersections joint projects rather than points of competition.
• Participate in their special activities -- for example, I enjoyed working in the Music departments "Choir School" which also gave me opportunities to interact with children I might not of reached otherwise.
• Keep others informed if your program is going to impact theirs.
• Deliberately have some joint projects such as a youth musical or a parent/youth seminar

Your predecessor was run out of town on a rail

Avoid the temptation to agree that he/she was a jerk – no matter how jerky they were. There is not value in running them down and you don't want to encourage negative thinking – you might be next.

• If they did something bad, agree that it was bad thing to do
• If what they did/said/were is subjective, let let it go without comment
• “Ok” “what do you know” and “um” are good responses to attacks on the person
• Better is: “that was then, this is now. We don't have to worry about that now

Robin Williams

His death may have more effect on college age and above, but he was an icon for everyone of any age.  Some hints in dealing with it:

• First deal with your own feelings so that you do not project them on your youth
• Find out what their reactions are.  Poll a few to see if you need to have a special meeting
• Make sure they have not had to discuss it in school, at home and everywhere else so that they are done with it
• Let people vent first and foremost
• Point out that he was a good Episcopalian and a believer (a little Googling and you could put together a program of his religious expressions)
• Even if you do not have to spend a lot of time grieving with your group this is still an important opportunity to explore the issues of mental illness and/or suicide

Experience is the best teacher #5: When they've “learned” a hard lesson on their own

In such a situation it is helpful to “debrief” but let them approach you not the other way around – you may spook them and lose the opportunity to help them in the future. If they do approach you and want to talk about it, do more listening than instructing. No lecturing. It is common to want all the details, but you probably don't need to know the details. Focus on what they felt, how they feel now, how has it changed them.

Youth will experiment with their personalities: A Story

A “perfect child” who always did everything expected her, a church officer and an outstanding student, did something unexpected: At an all-church picnic, she was standing by the bathrooms when a Matriarch of the congregation came up to her and asked where the Woman's restroom was. The youth opened the door of the Men's room, and when the woman went in fled – both in terror for having done something impulsive like that and in joy for having once done something outside her character. I teased her about this event, but there were no negative repercussions and she both matured and went back to her old self. Within a year she had completely erased the event from her memory – it “wasn't her” and therefore it never happened.

Your predecessor walked on water

It is always hard to follow a charismatic and popular leader. We generally expect the successor to be a “sacrificial lamb” that won't stay long. If they did their job well they will have prepared their group for a successor and made the transition as easy as possible, and then disappeared, resisting the temptation to interfere. That doesn't always happen.

• The suggestions in the introductory post on the subject apply in Spades, in this case.
• I want to emphasize the importance of acknowledging “what a wonderful person he/she” was. And “I'm sure, that if he/she were here they would want you to support me and help keep the program going strong.”
• Make changes carefully and quietly

Your Predecessor: Overview

I've given many posts for how to make it easier for your successor to follow you, but what about the person(s) you are following?

• Give them the benefit of the doubt. They probably were faithful, they probably were well intentioned, they probably cared for the kids, they probably had a good and workable program. That they didn't do things just like you goes without saying – so don't say it.
• In most cases, publicly honor them and their program.
• Criticizing them or their program only hurts you. Offer alternatives instead.
• Recognize that there will be people that dislike you simply because you are not them. You may need to say out loud – “It's not my fault. I had nothing to do with his/her leaving or my being selected to succeed them.” Make it a fairness issue.
• Recognize the natural conservatism of adults, including High School Youth. Focus your energy in winning over the Middle Schoolers and changing the program at that level.
• Do not let “But [name] did it this way” get to you. No yelling out: “But [name] is gone, this is my group now.” Just respond with a non-committal “ok, duly noted” or “that's interesting” or “but I'm doing it this way” and then go somewhere where you can punch a wall.

Erroneous Risk Assessment and Mitigation #2: Sleight-of-hand

As we all know, the way sleight-of-hand works is that we are watching the wrong hand. Sometimes in risk management we or they are watching the wrong situation. The classic is youth sports during lightening. Everybody talks about “kids swinging metal bats.” They are not the ones in immediate danger – the bats are aluminum, a poor conductor. The person most in danger is the pitcher on the mound, or the coach on the sidelines. Again, as per post #1, lightening deaths at a little league game is slim, but it is easy to make it 0 – and who likes playing ball in a downpour – but it is a matter of getting everyone off the field and into a grounded or insulated space. Because lightening was not understood, one league insisted that the players get into the dugouts, which, usually were chain link enclosures! The rule increased, rather than reduced the danger to the kids.

• Consider where the danger, if any, actually is. Focus on that.
  

WNDITWB, an example

One of the clearest examples for me of High Schoolers not wanting things changed was a regular youth trip one of my churches took. They had a tradition of staying at a place that I was appalled at: the people were hostile to our group; they were uncooperative; promised meals and then didn't actually have them so we had to go out for each breakfast and supper and make our own lunch bags; there was no meeting room; no place to hang out together; and no recreation facilities at all – we even got in trouble for breaking out a Frisbee! After a couple of years of this I searched out and found a church campgrounds that would accommodate us. It had: two good meals each day and made our sack lunches; a large meeting room; a swimming pool and a variety of other recreational facilities and no hassle. And it saved us thousands of dollars. When we got there all I got was gripes and complaints and nostalgia for the other place!!!! Well, we survived. No complaints the next time.

Experience is the best teacher #4: When you cannot let them actually experience something

No, you cannot set up a situation where they can learn about intercourse through experience. So what do you do:

• Simulations and role plays (not role playing sex, of course). They can be on how to handle situations or what can come from an event.
• Personal stories. Not your own, or at least de-personalized. The experience of public figures can also be helpful.
• Data. Statistics. Not the most effective, but when combined with personal examples can get their attention.

Cell #s

Obvious, yet hard to have consistently available when needed: Someone should have each youth's cell phone number so they can call someone who hasn't shown up.

• On a trip, each counselor should have a copy, either a hard copy printout with essentials, including cell phone #s for everyone.
• Or have a session with all counselor present to all enter each #
• Collect cell #s and put in a database that you can access anytime
• In a regular meeting, if someone hasn't shown up that should have, ask if any in the room has their # and have them call the missing person.

High School aged WNDITWB

High School youth can be pretty set in their ways. One of the dilemmas of working with High School youth is that they are always looking for adventure and get bored with same old/same old, however, if you change anything or try to substitute, they raise a ruckus. Things to try:

• Keep almost everything the same but change just one thing at a time. For example, sing all their favorite songs, but introduce one new song each time. Have the Mission Trip to the same location but vary what project they work on.
• Keep old programs in place but introduce a new program in addition.
• I used to tease my youth regularly about “We've never done it that way before [WNDITWB].” They got the point and when they would start to set their heels, I could give them a smile and say “We've never...” and they would smile back and acknowledge the need to try it before condemning it.