Model age appropriate interactions

Model for all adults how to have age appropriate interactions with the youth. If everyone sees that immature behavior and attitudes are reasonable and acceptable for a Middle Schooler they may let them be children; If the see that you treat an 16 year old as an adult they may join you. In general, err on the side of expecting maturity from them and, at the same time cutting them some slack.

The task of Adolescence is to become independent: Implication #5

One of the most pernicious but wrong ideas about development is that the averages that are used in description are prescriptive – setting a standard for someone of a given age. A person is not “retarded” nor “advanced” if they deviate from the norm. There are what they are. Development cannot be rushed or delayed except through trauma. All youth will be inconsistent as well, being ahead of the average in some respects and behind in others. So, in relation to their becoming independent, it is not a “problem” or a “disorder” that we need to “fix” if a 17 year old is still dependent on a parent nor a 13 year old that makes all their own decisions. It is simply a matter that we can expect, over the course of adolescence for a youth to become more and more independent and self-sufficient.

In our work with youth it is appropriate for us to give them the opportunity to be as independent as they can stand.

There needs to be a youth room media center. Again be careful about accepting hand-me-down. If they were any good they probably wouldn't be available.

• Basics at this point in time are: connector for "music sources" (iPhone, Galaxy, etc)
• Streaming video capability, with NeFlix and/or cable
• one or more video game consoles

When they turn against you

It is a part of ministry, professional and volunteer, that we sometimes are attacked. Sometimes viciously, without warning and reason. Yes, sometimes we bring it on ourselves, but sometimes it is unwarranted, but hurts nevertheless.
Sometimes the attack comes from a youth having to make a break from you and/or the program. I've addressed this phenomenon briefly in: https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=4916279693530706050&pli=1#editor/target=post;postID=6308638393153009265;onPublishedMenu=posts;onClosedMenu=posts;postNum=7;src=postname
But how to handle an attack?

• Martyrdom goes with the territory. Faithful Christians have always suffered, at least a little. You are in great company.
• Keep in mind the adage: “The great thing about being a martyr in this era is that they don't use real arrows.” You will survive.
• Such attacks will always peter out eventually. They take too much energy and concentration. Can you outlast it? Sometimes survival is simply a matter of keeping going in spite of it.
• Be careful not to take your pain out on others: spouse, the youth, whomever.
• Fighting back is rarely valuable or productive. Only if other people, such as the youth, are being hurt should you respond and respond only to what is hurting the others.
• You may need to take a weekend or week off to get away and heal.
• Analyze the situation. What brought it on? What solutions are there? Is it worth fighting back or ignoring it?
• When the problem fades, forgiveness is, of course, called for (darn!). This isn't easy but may make a big difference for your ministry in the future. You need to be that person's minister no matter what. I have had some of the most nasty attacks from people that eventually became important to my program.

Kids that are "made" to participate by parents

Parents often send their children to a youth program with the expectation that you will “fix” their children. This may mean that those children are there against their will and the underlying expectation is unreasonable and unattainable.

• If there is any chance of acknowledging to the particular youth that you understand and accept their resistance, but since they are stuck with you and the church group, the two of you can work together to make it as painless as possible. The subject has to come up naturally, such as the youth declaring “my parents make me come and you can't make me like it.”
  
• Cut them some slack.
  
• If the parents complain that you haven't “helped” their child, comment that you and [child's name] “are working on his/her issues” but you find their child to be [something positive: “fun to be with” “helpful” “livens things up”] Don't get sucked into defending yourself, the program or the kid. Don't accept the job of “fixing” the kid.
  

JIT

Just in Time preparation. The term “JIT” originally came from the construction industry but is being used by many industries. It is a mind-set. The original image is that a brick is not delivered to a work site until the mason reaches out for a brick to lay. Instead of pre-ordering and stock-piling everything that might be needed, items are ordered to be delivered just in time. This saves a huge amount of money for a variety of reasons.
Youth workers tend toward two extremes, both of which are problematic: Just “winging it,” which will be addressed in a later post, and planning way ahead, just in case. Addressing this last approach, planning very far ahead usually involves a great deal of wasted time. As time passes, things change, thinking changes, conditions change so that the program/talk/sermon/activity has to be rewritten. Make notes, form an outline, but don't work on it seriously until it is JIT. You do need to allow for last minute interruptions or issues that might keep you from getting it done, but that probably only means a day or two.

The task of Adolescence is to become independent: Implication #4

Social cliques and social pressure are a given and cannot be just set aside. Time and again, following a discussion on cliques and exclusion, my youth group would break into their predetermined cliques, carefully excluding the outsiders. It is not that they don't understand the concept, it is that they don't apply it to their own lives. This is partially a developmental issue, but is also that they have too much at stake: at a time when relationships are becoming increasingly important, old relationships, including with their parents are breaking down. They desperately need relationships that they can trust. So they, mistakenly perhaps, trust the social system of their school.

For us, knowing what we are up against we need to:

• Not get discouraged or give in – we need to keep gently pushing them
• Not get judgmental or critical
• Mitigate the worst aspects of it. We can sometimes influence getting one of the “left outs” included

Face time in worship

Make sure you and your people get “face time” in regular worship. Youth program often get isolated from the rest of the church. The youth are an abstraction. The congregation may be proud that they have a “youth program” but not know who that describes. Such abstractions are often ignored, overlooked, underfunded.
So you and the youth need to be in the congregation's face. You all need to be real and personal to the congregation. One way of doing this is by assisting in worship regularly, not just on “Youth Sunday.”

Food Expiration dates

For the most part “expiration dates” do not mean what we think they mean. In general, the manufacturers have gotten a little more honest about these dates. However, read them carefully, they say things like: “Sell by” which means they manufacturer wants the store to rotate the stock; “best when used by” or some variant which means it is still good but maybe not at its peak some are “pack” dates when it was manufactured which says nothing about whether it is any good or not. Food bank are stocked by these kinds of food which are rejected by the consumer because of the date but is still quite edible. An actual “Expiration date” is the one to take seriously. These are usually mandated by state law and some states cut the danger date closer than other states.
Here is a web site that gives suggestions about the shelf life of many foods:
http://www.realsimple.com/home-organizing/surprising-expiration-dates-10000000676079/page2.html

Contact lists

An accurate list of every possible youth and contact information for each is essential to a healthy program. I have found, when I arrived at a new church, that if there was a list at all it was only the most active youths. That is much too limited. Create lists, by grade, of everyone vaguely related to the church. My slogan was” a youth goes on the list if they walk slowly by the church and go off if they die.” A bit of an exaggeration but an important mindset. In short, if you don't know a youth exists, they don't know you exist and can never become interested.
Many people strive for “clean lists” with no inactives on it. You want lists as dirty as possible.
Reasons for moving someone off a list:

• They move out of the area. Leave them on the list until you are positive they are not moving back, ever (and think about referring them to a comparable church near where they have moved – our responsibility is to the youth and the Body of Christ, not church our local church.)
• They (or their parents) specifically ask to have them removed
• You get confirmed information that they are attending (actively) another church. Always be cautious on this one – sometimes the information is wrong (the youth simply visited that church with a friend), is simply an experiment and they'll be back.
• They die

A hard and fast rule for clean up and work projects

Don't let adults clean up in place of the youth. This is bad for everyone involved but a natural tendency. The adults resent it and the youth get used to being waited on. Make it a policy that no adult works until all the youth are working. If a youth spills, they clean it up themselves.

Now this needs to be done in a non-confrontational, hostile or us versus them attitude. It is not: “We're the adults and you are the youths, not get to work.” Rather, “This room belongs to you and I know you don't want it trashed or run down, so you'll need to get hopping on cleaning it up – I'll get the cleaning supplies for you” or some such positive but firm approach. 

At first you may have to gently wait them out. They may not believe you are serious and will eventually intervene. When an Adult starts to jump in, gently take the broom from their hand and hand it to a youth. And so forth.

appeal for ideas

After a year and a half of daily posts, I'm finding it difficult to come up with unique topics. If you have any specific questions, concerns, ideas to share or ask about, etc feel free to post these in response to any post (I get a notice, wherever they may be). In response to a request I can give a more comprehensive and coherent post on any subject.

Kent

Who's your family's pastor?

Who is to be pastor to your spouse? If you are on the church staff, it probably won't be your boss or co-workers...  Yes, even you and your spouse need a pastor and counselor.  For all the reasons you give to others for getting help.

For the verbally disruptive:

These are the “mouthy” ones.

• First you can't let them get your goat.
  
• It may be that you can encourage positive mouthing-off and ignore the negative.
  
• Give them special attention in other ways.
  
• Establish a good personal relationship so you can ask them privately to tone it down in group sessions.
  
• You can look at them blankly for an uncomfortable length of time so they know they were disruptive without having to call them down.
  
• If they are a diagnosed “Asperger” and you have a good relationship with them you can simply and directly tell them to let others to speak – they need direct instruction not hints or subtle cues.
  

Mayo

Despite the urban legends that Mayo that has been left out is toxic, this hasn't been the case for 1/2 a century. Mayo is mostly chemicals and does not go “bad.” Here is one of many explanations of this: chowhound.chow.com/topics/452512

The Engineer's logic test

I have labeled this approach the Engineer's logic test in honor of my father, an engineer, who taught it to me. What he told me was that “after you have done the calculations, solved the equations, and done the math you need to step back and ask the question, 'Does this solution make sense.'” Being confident of our conclusion does not mean it is right. Being confident that someone's recommendation is usually right doesn't mean it is right in a particular situation. A few examples:

• To cancel or (adjust) or not to cancel an event. It may seem if there are too few signed up for the event to go forward – but what is the pattern for the congregation? Is it common for 2 or 3 times as many people to sign up late or just show up without making a commitment by the deadline? Or conversely, does it look like there are enough signed up to go ahead but the congregation has a history of last minute cancellations.
  
• One year I made the mistake of letting high school student talk me into letting them go on a Middle School Unknown Destination Trip. They all promised they would do it, so I made the appropriate preparations including chartering a tour bus. But if I had applied the logic text I would have realized that High School youth would not be able to go on the trip because of other obligations. I lost a lot of money on that trip.
  
• In one church a group prepared a spreadsheet (“Ooh, a spreadsheet, it must be true”) which suggested in October that there would be a major deficit by the end of the year and therefore some of the church staff should be laid off. Applying the Engineer's Logic Test I reasoned: 1) there have been no major changes in our financial position from the last year 2) the last year was in the black therefore we would expect this year to be in the black. This caused me to question the spreadsheet. It turned out that the calculations were based on income for Nov and Dec being 1/12 of the total pledges. That's not the way that congregation operated. Plugging in more reasonable figures for those two month projected a small surplus rather than a deficit. Bottom line, they Session didn't lay off the staff and we ended the year with a small surplus.
  

The task of Adolescence is to become independent: Implication #3

Each individual incident needs to be viewed both as unique and as a part of the youth's growing process.

Regardless of any internal driving force, each situation is real, unique and immediate for the youth. One youth that had often been disruptive and disrespectful during programs was given charge of a particular program. She became very upset – ran off crying and hid under a kitchen cabinet – when the other youths did not cooperate with her. Yes, the situation could been explained in terms of social pressure and her underdeveloped sense of perspective, but at the moment she was hurt and the only proper way of handling it was by consoling and empathizing with her. That was not the time to teach her a lesson or explain how I felt when she was disruptive.

Developmental Psychology is useful in understanding the feelings and actions of young people, but should not be used to as a means of “psyching out” or manipulating them.

For the physically disruptive

Those who drop books, fall over backwards, drum...

1. Without saying anything just pause until the commotion has ceased. Don't draw attention to it.
   
2. Have one of the adults go sit next to them – again without saying anything explicit.
   

Giggle games

Giggle games are always a hit even with High School kids (once they are comfortable with each other). Such as:

• “Dead lion,”
  
• “If you love me honey smile,”
  
• “Monkey Smiles,”
  
• "Pterodactyl"
  
  If you need me to explain these games, just ask
  
  

After school care

If you have an after school group, such as a program for latch key kids:

• A rigid schedule helps in many ways because so many children need consistency and reliability
• Start the schedule with food
  • make it a habit to scrounge all the left over food from the church.
    
  • They kids will eat anything and this keeps wasted food to a minimum.
    
• Follow food with some wild recreation
• Plan on children/youth having to come and go.
  • No activity can be such that it can't be stopped or suspended at any point
  • Rigid processes for checking a youth in and out have to be observed
• Build in homework time or, better, a homework space that students can utilize as needed
• Arrange for tutors for particular subjects (Languages and math are the most popular). They might come on request or on a particular time and day of the week.

Can openers

Home Manual and electric can openers are not worth anything. They don't work when you need them to – if they are not lost -- and don't work on the size can you have in your hand. Your church kitchen, and any camp kitchen will probably have a commercial manual opener (big thing with a handle). If they don't, they need one!!! You might think about having one with a “base” (clamp) to carry with you. If you have a portable commercial opener like this you will need a 1” X 1” board to go between the clamp and the counter.
Commercial openers can quickly and easily open any size and shape of can. I still carry a home style manual opener in my “retreat boxes” just in case a kitchen should have a commercial opener but doesn't.

The task of Adolescence is to become independent: Implication #3

Although they go through predictable stages, the way the stage plays out varies. Repeated studies have shown that 15 year olds are negative, self-deprecating and rebellious. But when dealing with a specific youth, averages are meaningless.

In one Sunday School class of 15 year olds, you may have one who is hateful and challenging of authority, one disruptive, one self-critical and negative, one that feels persecuted, one who has suddenly turned quiet and sullen, and several who show no signs of rebellion. And collectively they may be holy terrors. So is the information of developmental psychology of any value.

Yes, it helps us to understand that each of these reactions are normal. A normally upbeat and happy child can have a bad year, being quiet and sullen. Given half a chance they and you will live through it. It also helps us to have a light touch when a youth is going through a negative stage.

By the way: an overly simplistic explanation for some of the negative stages is that something about their development (anything from to developing mental capacity to hormones to feet that have suddenly grown) has disrupted their view of themselves and their world. This makes them uncomfortable and they need time to work out a new understanding of self and world. If they realize they will never clear 5'6” they may have to give up their dream of being a basketball star. That is not easy to accept!

YAHB -- Yest another Human Bingo form

Just in case you don't have one I have put a template on the documents page.  You need a fairly large group for this to be effective -- or needed.  Depending on time Bingo can be a complete or a complete page.  Edit the form to be appropriate for your group ("has five or more tats; collects cat videos; ...)

"I don't mean to be bad..."

Some kids do not mean to be trouble they are just impulsive or haven't been taught good behavior.

• Setting rules, boundaries and explaining good behavior to the whole group helps everyone, especially if it done as “information” rather than a judgmental: “this is how you messed up.”
  
• Talk one-on-one with kid with remorse to discuss what is acceptable and what is not.
  
• Work out a signal system for the particular youth that is struggling, to signal when they are pushing the boundaries allowing them to begin to pull back in.
  

Lettuce

Of course the bags of already cut up salad lettuce you can get in grocery stores are the best. However, if they look really nasty or you have to opportunity to pick up heads of lettuce from a roadside stand, here is a quick hint for coring lettuce: slam it down on a counter stem down (best down when you wish it was a camper's head). The core then pulls out easily and whole. The rest of the head can be sliced any way you want.