Moral Codes at home

If there is a logical and consistent moral code at home, even if it is imperfectly implemented, the youth is likely to accept and adopt it.

• When a family discusses moral issues and recognizes the difficulty of living up to some of the standards. For example when a TV show shows disregard and stereotypes for certain classes of people (gender, social strata, etc) and the family points out the wrongness of this disregard or stereotyping, the youth will learn to recognize and oppose such attitudes
• When rational boundaries are given for a moral standard, such as “the government sets age limits for alcohol and we observe these” and/or “research shows that alcohol has serious long term effect on youth and children the younger the youth are when they start drinking the more damage is done,” [This is a true fact] reason will convince the youth.
• If exceptions are discussed and agreed to or rejected, this makes the exceptions rational and acceptable to the youth.

Child raising: A consistent moral code in the home

If the moral code in the home is inconsistent, what the youth learns and what moral code they will be directed by varies.

• Rules that are applied to other people and other families but not to their own, teaches the youth to not value such rules at all. (The classic example of this is ragging about “welfare cheats” when the family fudges on tax forms.)
• If the youth is expected to live by rules (such as no lying) that the parent doesn't live by, the youth are likely to reject the rules as unfair.
• Hypocrisy is commonly rejected by the child unless the parent admits the problem but excuses it by saying that they want their child to do better than they have done. This takes it out of the realm of “hypocrisy.”

Being an ADD/ADHD youth worker #16: Find the right vocation

We do well in jobs and situations where there is a lot going and a lot of interruptions.

• I would not be able to hold down a job like many people have. I simply cannot hold still and stay quietly focused on one task for long periods of time.
• My job as a Minister for Christian Education and Youth suited me fine.
  • There were constant interruptions.
  • There was more to do than I could possibly do
  • The tasks were varied, ranging from Biblical research to a pickup soccer game in the Dining Room.
  • There was structure to the job, but no routine
  • There was little in my job where I have to be completely focused on something for long periods of time or in high-stimuli situations.

Child raising: permissive vs harsh?

I've seen too many “problem children” raised in both kinds of households and too many “ideal children” raised in both kinds of households. Any blanket statements, besides being disproved through research also are clearly not true from common observation. Unfortunately our prejudices cloud our vision. If we want to see “problems” or “ideal” as being related to permissiveness or strict upbringing, we'll see only those cases that confirm our prejudices.

Research generally shows that the two extremes are both problematic. [one interesting side example: children from permissive households that do drugs at all tend toward hallucinogenic type drugs, and children from harsh households that do drugs at all tend toward Heroin based drugs.]

For this blog I'd like to focus on some aspects of moral environment and its affect on the children.

The real heart of youth ministry

There innumerable definitions of youth ministry and its value. Many of them are right. Sometimes it is a matter of the moment. But one definition is: that which we do while waiting for a crisis to deal with.

A youth in crisis is our real calling. We need to be there for them, we need to be trained and knowledgeable and ready to act. Often the crisis is a broken arm, but sometimes it is suicide, or crises of faith. It doesn't matter, it is our job to take care of them.

It doesn't matter if they were being stupid

It doesn't matter if they were being immoral

It doesn't matter if the crisis is bigger in their sight than ours

It doesn't matter if we have other things to attend to

Being an ADD/ADHD youth worker #15: provide your own distractions

Since we need distractions to keep from going bonkers, prepare for times when you won't have enough to keep occupied.

• Always have a book or a project with you
  • We need to always be working on several projects
  • Whenever there is a pause in the action I have something to work on with me.
  • Again, we can change our train of thought again and again without ill effect
• Always have things to think about when trapped in quiet situations
  • I do my best computer programming while listening to a sermon.
  • I do listen to the sermon
  • But programming keeps me from becoming frantic

Getting to know their home life

If it is important to know their home life how do you get to know it?

• Periodically meet with parents
• Have gatherings of parents or of their age group
• Meet with youth individually and ask how things are going, including school and home
• When a youth says something that seems revealing don't guess, ask them what they mean

Being an ADD/ADHD youth worker #14: Use our powers of observation

We may be clueless, but we don't miss much. We are observant. Use these observations – what other people call distractions.

• Notice things that other people overlook.
• Report things that are broken
• Notice who's where
• Keep track of complicated situations
• It may take some practice and a change of thinking to not just notice things but to make use of these observations.

Being an ADD/ADHD youth worker #13: Do things that are exhausting

Work out as much of the excess energy as possible throughout the day.

• Jog or run every morning at 5am. You will be able to focus for the rest of the day if he doesn't to this. (Do a hard lap swim every noon)
• If you plan in times of activity the energy won't come out in destructive ways
• Sleep when you need to and as long as you need, without trying to adhere to a “normal” schedule.
  • You may need much less sleep than other people.
  • You will have a hard time going to sleep unless you are physically exhausted

Know their home life

Not just in general “a broken home” or a “mean mother” or whatever broad and probably inaccurate characteristics. You need to know the parents and you need to know how they are interacting with their children at that moment. As we've discussed before, youth change and change on a dime. But so do the adults. “Perfect” relationships can fall apart at any moment and terrible relationships can be repaired at any moment. We cannot take things for granted. When a youth makes a comment about their parents, is it just a random comment they really don't take seriously? Is it a natural comment based on the youth's development? Is it a reflection of a single dispute that will soon pass or be resolved? Is it a common problem?

• It is important not to react immediately to anything.
• If it is repeated or come up again, it may be significant
• Explore gently with the usual “oh?” or “How bad?” or “Is this something new?” or other open ended questions that can be interpreted by the youth in whatever way they need to interpret it
• Consider what you know of the youth and of the parents to decide how much weight and slant to put on the statement
• Carefully show that you believe the youth (and do believe them, even if you think there is a context that makes it seem less than or other than what it seems on the surface).
  • Even if they lie frequently, it is dangerous to get into the habit of not believing them – the one time they are telling the truth is the one time you have to believe them
  • Discount for hyperbole and youthful drama but look for the kernel of truth
  • Believing them does not mean automatically calling 911
  • If it is an important enough issue, such as physical abuse, gently suggest that the only reasonable reaction is for the two of you to go get help. If there is panic in their eyes as they say, “no, I didn't mean that...” then you probably need to get them help. If they look, frustrated (as in “you idiot, that's not what I meant”) then you might stop and explore the subject more.

blog order

Just a reminder to those new to blogs: entries are in reverse order -- FIFO (First in/Last out), a push down stack.  In other words, the top entry is the most recent one and the one's below it are the immediately preceding entries.  Why this is important is that if you have been getting the daily feeds, the item on top may  be a part of a sequence of comments and you may need to back up to preceding entries to get the whole story.  Similarly, when you select a topic to get all the posts on the topic, again these will be presented in reverse order and you may need to scroll down to the first entry (time wise) and work up from there.

Knowing your youth is more than...

It is not just knowing obvious things such as who the troublemakers are or who has one parent or who reads poorly. It means knowing their quirks. I have many times had youth that would let loose with unnecessary negative comments: This is dumb, I don't like this group, I don't want to do this, you're mean... Some might have interpreted this comments as being a result of deep seated neurosis. Most youth workers would take the comments personally and negatively, perhaps setting up a split between the two. However, often the youth didn't mean anything by the comments. They were tired, frustrated and cranky and spoke without thought. When I would repeat what they had said, they were horrified and retracted it immediately. (My wife has had the same experience in public high school classes.)

Being an ADD/ADHD youth worker #13: Dealing with excess energy

Recognize and accept the fact that you have to be moving at all times

• Jiggling, wiggling, getting up and wandering around are necessary
• Try to make your movement not impact other people or be overly distracting to others
• Children and youth tend to poke, push, hit which can't be
• Adults keep driving others to keep up with them. They don't understand people that do not have that much energy. But this makes the other people mad
• Movement that is too obvious can be a distraction to others
• Have a series of things that to do that are not noticeable
  • flexing feet and legs under the table
  • Doodling with out paying a lot of attention to what you are doodling
  • Sit forward, sit back, sit forward, etc
  • Look for legitimate excuses to get up and move
  • Get agreement with others in the room to allow you to stand behind your chair
  • As much as possible, make the movement constructive
• Take up active hobbies to do in passive situations such as watching TV
  • Juggles (anything)
  • Play video game on phone at while watching
  • Play a musical instrument or other physical activity
  • Conduct work such as dictation on smart phone, while exercising, going places, doing things

Take resources with a grain of salt

Books, videos, blogs, yes even this one, have to give generalities or examples that have worked in specific circumstances. Their are none that work in every case (if they say they do, run away!).

• As said a couple of days ago, every group is unique
• Generalities can be helpful in understanding what is going on in a group
• Generalities can be a starting point for planning and working with a group
• But they always need to be tailored to a particular group
  • This has been a pet peeve of mine for years, most Confirmation curricula assume a particular size, education level and age level. This fits a very narrow range of churches.
  • Always ask “does this idea/lesson/description fit my kids?” “Will it work with Jamie in the group” etc

Being an ADD youth worker #12: We need to stop and calm down periodically

I once had a staff review that commented that I seemed to have two speeds -- 100 miles per hour or 0. If there's not enough stimulus, my choices are to get frantic or to go to sleep.

• But in stimulating situations I and other ADD people start winding up tighter and tighter.
• We need to plan in times to calm down and start over
• We can do this ourselves and/or have others remind us
• When we get too wound up it can drive everyone crazy, and we're more prone to making bad decisions.
• I swim every noon hour that I can. It serves two purposes
  • Draws off excess energy
  • Reboots my system
• Routine minute prayers can do this also
• A minute away from everything can do it

Each Group has a unique Character

Sometimes “good” kids will create a difficult group or a class of mostly “bad” kids (those who gave a previous Sunday School fits) can create a group that is a joy to work with. There seems to be no rhyme or reason for these variations but they are very real.

• First, we must differentiate between a groups common character and how they might be on any given meeting. All groups, and people, have good days and bad days.
• The “character” of a group is their most common nature, week in and week out.
• If we recognize the character of the class early it allows us to interact with them more effectively.
  • Maybe the group needs more structure than usual
  • Maybe the group needs more freedom
  • Maybe the group needs intellectual stimulation
  • Maybe the group needs more recreation than other classes
  • Maybe the group responds well to conversations about behavior
  • Maybe the group needs to run around the block a few times
• Do not assume that the reputation of the group applies.
  • From one year to the next they can be quite different, even though they commonly live up to (down to) their reputation.
  • Any new people in or old people out of the group can change its dynamics
• Groups tend to establish their identity and character in the first couple of meetings
  • If they or you are in a bad mood during the first meeting you all can get “off on the wrong foot” unnecessarily establishing a negative character
  • Being really positive and affirming in those early week, whether they deserve it or not, can give them a new and positive reputation to live up to.