Dealing with put-downs.

This is a major issue with a youth program, but especially with middle/Junior High School youth. The early adolescent age group are uniformly at a point where they care how they are treated but aren't at a point when they can understand the reciprocal – that other people also care how they are treated. In other words the are sensitive to how the are treated, but insensitive in their treatment of others. We can be frustrated and disturbed by such behavior, but we cannot easily change the situation.

Essentially, we need to change their behavior – but we cannot change their feelings or instincts. Spending a great deal of time on lessons about empathy will not help to any real extent. But you can teach them not to say certain kinds of things. You cannot teach them the theology of being inclusive, but you can teach them how in include others. They can learn to parrot certain words and phrases that seem to show they understand and then turn right around a zap someone in the group, because they don't see the connection (yet).

However, it does not hurt to have the lessons on empathy and inclusion. Someday (about 10^th grade) it will click and everything fall into place. In the meantime there are certain strategies for keeping them from hurting each other.

• Do not put down a youth who has done a put down
• Do not (publicly) defend a youth that has been put down (this makes the situation worse).
• In group settings give generic examples of things that should not be said or done.
• Make them conscious of when they have turned their backs on a youth. Just manipulate the group to open up the circle.
• Set up a group cue, either visual or verbal that reminds everyone that they are not to give put downs, that, without drawing direct attention to a put down the group knows that one has occurred.
• Retraining behavior takes time and practice. Be patient and good natured about working on the problem.