Sacrificing for our youth: Control

Youth workers tend to be take charge kinds of people, if not control freaks. But there are many reasons for tempering these tendencies. Early in my ministry I realized this tendency in me when, on a retreat, I had an activity planned that would be fun and interesting when I discovered that part of the group had started that activity during free time. That really messed up my plans. I was furious, and finally blurted out (to the amusement of the youth standing nearby) “How dare they not read my mind.” After that I worked at being more flexible. Some basic observations:

• We do need to be in control enough to prevent disaster. Even when we are being laid back and just watching the action, we are not off duty. We need to be thinking ahead for possible problems and issues. Sometimes we can just help the youth or youth leaders make adjustments to keep things going in a healthy direction. Sometimes we need to intervene. Whether we identify the danger or not depends on the situation. Sometimes we just have to be the bad guy.
• Most things we want to control aren't that important. Enough said.
• The natural, “I'm head elephant and you are not” reaction. Controllers have an innate, emotional reaction to someone usurping their authority or challenging their authority. This can lead to unnecessary confrontations. If you are the boss, if you have the authority, you really don't need to defend it. Ultimately, if you need to say “this is how it is, everyone get with the program” you can do so. But the more you use that authority the less powerful you become. Save it for the big things.
• Delegate, delegate, delegate. As I've said elsewhere, delegate everything you can, even if you can do it better, faster, easier; even if it is something you enjoy doing. There are so many things that need to be done in every situation that it is wasteful for you to do something someone else can do.
• It may feel good to have everyone dependent on you, but what if you need to be gone? What if you break you leg on a trip?
• You need to help youth experience success and failure and learn how to be in control – some day they will be in control, will they be ready for it? If we are truly serving our youth and not ourselves, we need to help them become leaders and self-sufficient. They can learn some things by modeling, but much of what they need to learn they need to learn by doing. I've seen youth groups do amazing things with little direction, because they have had the practice and guidance earlier.
• If 2 heads is better than 1, 10 heads can be 10 times greater – as long as it is organized and ordered. Your job is to organize and direct, let them do the thinking, creating, and decision making.