Breakfasts on trips

Breakfasts for youth can be cold cereals. The kids generally prefer sleep to food. Have a range of cereal types, but not everything requested.

• I usually give a meal group the option of cooking a breakfast if they wish.
  
  • They must make the decision early enough to buy groceries.
    
  • Then they need to get up a half an hour early to do the cooking.
    
  • They must know that they will be responsible for cleanup afterward.
    

Generational divisions

Having worked with several generations of youth (from those born in 1950 to those born in 2000) I concur with the various schemes and descriptions of the different generations. Here are a few observations of my own.

• The dividing line between generations is fuzzy – there is no cut-off date but broad transitional times. I believe that the year 2000 +/- 3 years is a transition.
  
• Even though the descriptions fit the generations as a whole, they do not fit any one individual. Even some groups can be an exception.
  
  • It is good to keep the generational information in mind, but don't let it affect your relationship with any individual.
    
  • Don't be surprised when they are typical but don't expect them to be typical.
    

Games Students Play: "Let's Him and You Fight"

"Let's Him and You Fight" (Be sure you have read the introduction to these "games":Games Students Play)

Normally a youth vs youth game, it can be youth vs adult. Church staff can play it also!

This is a classic that gets played a lot! Someone, usually someone bored and needing some excitement, but also for more devious reasons, will pit one person against another but sidling up to one and reporting something the other person said about them. The report may or may not be accurate or truthful. Truth is beside the point for this interaction. When person number two reacts badly and says something hasty or inappropriate the troublemaker can then run to person number three and report what person number two said about them. And we're off to the races. These escalating interchanges can get violent or seriously destructive.

To break this up:

• First, if you are person number one, don't do it. It is beneath your dignity and faithfulness. Find some other form of fun.
• If you are person number two or three don't get sucked in. If you haven't heard the comment first hand, you haven't heard it. You may say to the troublemaker, “Oh? Well, I think I'll go check that with ….” The troublemaker needs to keep the two parties apart until things are thoroughly out of control.
• If you are seeing this develop from afar – invite person number one to go do something (send them on an errand, perhaps). Call persons number two and three together and explain what you saw developing. You can directly say that you think person number one is trying to pick a fight. (but don't turn this into a You and Him Fight” with you acting as person number one.) and convince them that they don't need to believe whatever person one has said.

A rule for a counseling session

Never make reference or even allusion to something said in a counseling session. This is not something “you have in common” this is something between the youth and their counselor (it doesn't matter that you are that counselor.)

Motivating sign ups

If an event usually sells out, periodically publicizing the number of places that are left, as the deadline approaches, can help motivate.

Annual private meetings with youth.

Make it a practice to call every youth every year to “check in.”

• This may be the only interaction a kid has with the church.
  
• Try to get a appointment with them for a 15 minute meeting (in a public place) “just to chat and get caught up.”
  
• These chats keeps the door open for future conversations: They help the kid remember that you are there; they sometimes turn into important conversations; they are perfectly all right to be surface level; these may be the only connection the youth has with the church.
  
• Make these meetings in a public or semi-public place 
  
  Don't give up if they turn you down each year – I had one turn me down for 6 years straight, then accepted, came in, we had a great conversation and they became active in the church for the first time in his life.
  
  

Meal groups on a trip

Have a rotating set of groups, one of which is the “meals” group for the day.

• They set out breakfast and the materials for making sack lunches.
  
• For meals in, they set the table and any other preparatory actions required by the head cook.
  
• In some cases they do they actual cooking.
  
• For supper, the meal crew may have to return to the home base before the others to get cleaned up (they get the hot water!) and start setting up the meal.
  
• They clean up after each meal including washing the dishes.
  
• If eating a meal out the meal group has to negotiate with the total group and the adult leaders on a suitable place and make the reservations.
  

Games Students Play -- "Why don't you/Yes but"

(Be sure you have read the introduction to these "games":Games Students Play)

This is an adult/youth game, usually between parent and child but also between youth leader and youth. The "game" (ritualized interaction) is established when the youth approaches the adult with a problem. (e.g. "Mr. Kent, I can't organize the car wash tomorrow like I said I would. My parents are taking me out of town.") The adult then gives helpful suggestions for solving the problem ("why don't you ask them if you can stay with your friend Billy"). They then give a reason why this won't work ("Yes, but Billy is going out of town also"). This suggestion/excuse combination goes on for awhile until the adult runs out of ideas, get frustrated and stomps off to go solve the problem. The adult's payoff is the feeling that they tried, the youth's pay off is that they get out of the problem or have pre-established an excuse and don't have to think about it or feel guilty

To break up this game, don't start with a "why don't you" but, "Oh, OK, how are you going to solve this problem." Beware of starting the reverse game of "I can try/that won't work" where the youth gives unworkable ideas that the adult has to reject. To break this game, say: "OK, you can give that a try,,," This allows the youth to reject their own suggestion and go for something more practical.

Shopping with the youth

• Adult sponsors and cooks usually don't like this activity, but it works and is fun for the kids: On a trip or for a big meal where there is a need to buy lots of groceries, divide the group into teams, go to a grocery store and give each team a portion of the shopping list to locate and gather.
  
• When planning a big event that requires shopping, take the planning committee with you to the store. This is a good bonding activity even if it is chaotic and you might get in trouble with the store manager...
  
• Take their suggestions seriously but you can teach them how to read pricing labels and get a good bargain and stay in budget.
  
• For “budgetary reasons” have them choose between two things they want.
  
• Help them realize they aren't just shopping for themselves but the whole group and have a responsibility to satisfy the whole group.
  

Youths saying Grace for a group

Youths need practice and opportunity for group prayer. A few pointers:

• Always be the first to do it to set a model. Make sure the standard isn't set too high. Make your prayer be simple and non-theological
• Don't publicly name a volunteer. Either arrange for someone privately or actually wait for a volunteer.
  
• Take volunteers to say grace with the understanding that everyone will get an opportunity. Be patient. They don't eat until there is a volunteer. Don't give in and allow someone who has already done it pray a second time.
  
• Whoever prays gets to go to the front of the line. This can be quite an incentive for some hungry teens...
  
• Accept even dumb prayers, but patiently wait for a modicum of seriousness before going on.
  

When a group is divided and fighting among themselves

When a group is divided and fighting among themselves, such as when the “Third Day Out Syndrome” is in effect, here are some group activities that can be used to help the group work through these problems. Use whenever tensions have reached a peak and the kids are being destructive within the group.

• Work on a large task that requires involvement of all -- do not get involved in the anger and name calling that may be going on, just insist that they finish the project as a group (and with minimal or no adult leadership).
  
• Scripture: (review I John 4:7-21 in light of the week's experiences); Exodus -- the grumbling passages.
  
• Discuss frankly but without a lot of name calling what you, as counselors, see happening within the group.
  
• Introduce a craft activity expressing feelings.
  
• Have a group building craft activity such as “friendship bracelets.”
  
• “Equalized relays” within the group or against another group or all other groups. These are a set of relay races that requires a balance of skills, there may be a math problem, a drawing competition, a musical event as well as an athletic activity. Each team member has something to contribute to success.
  
• Have the group pray for each member of group by name (but silently), going around the room, naming each person and allowing for silent prayer for that person.

Games Students Play -- Introduction

In the 70s a series of books by Ken Ernst came out that was highly influential for my ministry. The First was Games People Play, a subsequent one and the one I'll focus on in a series of posts was Games Students Play. I have put an amazon link on my links page.

First of all, these books are not about fun games to play. Sorry. These are serious, if playful books. The thesis is that there are, in our society, a number of ritualized interaction, which he calls "games." The standard illustration is how we greet each other "hi, how are you?"/ "Fine, how are you?" A ritual, without any thought put into it unless the person being greeted has something particular in mind, in which case the interaction becomes an opening into a further conversation. Most "games" are structured so that there is a "winner" where one or more parties gains some sort of reward or self-satisfaction.

In this theory, there are healthy games, with a positive outcome, neutral games that are strictly formalities and negative games that can be destructive. Most of my posts will be about destructive games because these are the ones we most need to be alert to. When a game is in progress and we recognize it we can break the game and keep it from reaching its destructive outcome.

As youth workers, we need to recognize that sometimes we are the one initiating or enjoying the game, which is all the more reason to identify the game and makes sure it isn't destructive.

I will not provide a complete write up of the games from the book. These are the ones that were particularly significant for me. Some of these I made up or modified to fit.

A topic of concern when preparing a group for a Mission Trip

On a mission trip or in preparation for a mission trip, a discussion worth having is the idea of “when in Rome do as the Romans do” -- wherever the group is, they are the outsiders and should conform to the basic sensibilities of the local area. (One example: they expect exchange students in their schools to bathe daily, like they do, even if this is not the custom from where the exchange student came from. They should, in turn, adjust to the sensibilities of those they will be with.)

Consolidated Youth Sunday document available

I have consolidated and cleaned up all the "Youth Sunday" (Youth led worship) blog items and supporting documents and put them as pdfs in the Documents page of this blog.

When putting a group meal on a credit card

• Set a maximum amount per person that is appropriate for the particular eating establishment. 
• If a person goes over that amount they are to reimburse the group. 
• What usually happens in real life is that one goes over and another is under so that it balances out and you don't worry about it.

Youth room computers

Have at least one decent computer, if not a network of them for the youth to use for homework or games during any “free time” in the youth program.

• Have strong “least common denominator” child protection software on each computer. If you can afford it, there are routers that have such built in so that even wireless computers brought in are under the control of the software.
  
• You can override the child protection software, as needed, for homework.
  
• Homework takes precedence over games, etc.
  
• You may want to consider blocking social networking sites because this takes the youth out of the fellowship you are trying to establish.
  

Youth need to be in charge of their own projects and programs and need to be trusted to execute the event themselves. Make sure the adults are in the background and not taking the work, limelight or credit from the youth. From the beginning insist that it is the youth's program and it will fail unless they step up and take responsibility for it. Remember that they will probably do everything last minute, so resist the temptation to step in and do it for them. If they do it themselves (from their perspective) they will feel good about themselves and each other and have a common experience to bond them. It is one of the best experiences you can give them.

Youth's need for sleep

Youth need to get an adequate amount of sleep. There are dire consequences if this doesn't happen.

• Middle Schoolers will usually crash (perhaps face down in their spaghetti) when they reach their limit.
  
• Middle schoolers that do not get enough sleep become susceptible to illness and may go home sick. Parents generally are not happy about this.
  
• High School youth, however, are generally tougher and less likely to give in to exhaustion but keep pushing themselves until their body finally protests – See the post on “exhaustion flu” under “Health and Safety.”
  

Seatbelt checks

Everyone needs to be in a seat belt when traveling – even across the parking lot.

• Do power “seat belt checks” (in a parking lot or other safe setting, I slam on the break and anyone who ends up on the floor doesn't have their seatbelt fastened) and be vigilant about keeping everyone belted.
  
• Pick on one good-natured kid every time they get in the van ask: “___, do you have your seat belt fastened.” This eventually becomes a joke, but it makes its point.
  

Room spaces -- basement

Get out of the basement unless...

• Your group has a free hand to make it something spectacular.
• The group can make use of special features like utility chases for tunnels, plumbing for a kitchenette.
• Don't give the youth the feeling that the basement is all they deserve or as far as they are trusted by the powers that be (even if this is true)

Reservations for more than are signed up?

It is generally a bad practice to make plans or reservations for more than the number who have actually signed up. This is a good way to lose money. It is better to leave a few at home (although this kills my soul).

Dealing with the Third Day Out Syndrome (see previous post describing this)

When dealing with Third Day Out Syndrome – a group that is falling apart or into factions on the third day of a trip:

• Some of this is inevitable and must simply be survived.
  
• In fact, working through this phenomenon is a part of why kids are so close at the end of the week.
  
• Explaining the phenomenon to counselors and older youth usually results in a milder 3DOS.
  
• Varying the program on the third day also helps. On a work camp experience, try going to something fun that evening.
  

12 & 15 passenger vans

Although modern vans with “Electronic Stability Control” (ESC) systems have made these beasts a lot safer, the basic principles remain the same.
To summarize the actual data, as of 2002:

• These vans are no more likely to have an accident than any other vehicle on the road
  
• The most common problem causing accidents is incorrectly inflated tires
  
• If a van has an accident it is more likely than any vehicle except an SUV to roll over.
  
• Seat belts save lives: 80% of those who died in van accidents were not belted; 92% of those wearing belts in van accidents survived.
  
• The more weight a van carries, the less stable it becomes. The van becomes less stable if the weight is over the rear-tire or behind it.
  

Leaving a group means leaving it

When you are gone you need to be gone.

• Do not come back to visit. Do not do weddings or anything else.
  
• I'm conflicted about to what extent you cut off communications. With adults all communication should cease, and communications with most youth should cease. However, some youth need someone they won't ever see again in person and who is removed from their situations to use as a sounding board for their problems. If you are the only one that they will open up to, stay in touch.
  
  • But never comment on what is going on back at the church. Don't comment on, agree with or sympathize with complaints about changes or other things having to do with that church. You are no longer there and have no right to interfere in any way.
    
  • The only reason for keeping the communication open is for personal problems and concerns of that particular youth.
    
  • Keep passing kids trying to talk to you back to your successor.

The need for recreation

Youth are in desperate need for simple, noncompetitive recreation – they need opportunities to run and play (Watch middle schoolers getting out of school – even the oldest and most sophisticated will suddenly break into a run.)

Returning from a trip

• On return from a trip, about 20 minutes before arrival, have the youth call home on their cell phones to have someone meet them.
• Make it clear as you approach the destination that no one can leave until the vehicles are emptied and cleaned and common equipment put away. Have an official dismissal.
• An adult of each gender present must wait until every child has been picked up.

Some youth group activity ground rules

More on this topic later, but a rule of thumb I worked by was to make sure each month included a service project, a “Bible lesson” and a fun activity.

• The current generation, for the most part, will prefer service to fun and games (“Hmm, what will I do tonight, work on getting a good grade on tomorrow's test or goof off at church...”).
  
• Bible lessons always need to be active and involving and often can be approached backwards – find a topic of interest and concern and apply the Bible to it.
  
• Make sure lessons are varied over time and not beating a dead horse (“oh no, not another lesson on bullying...”) or something that is over covered in school.
  
• Fun activities can alternate between some away (mini-golf) and something at the church (video game night).
  

Work groups on Mission Trips

If a group is larger than a dozen youth on a work trip you need to create work groups.

• Work groups help with the mixing and matching of youth so they get close to everyone on the trip and not just those they choose to be with.
  
• Have work groups for the work site. They may not be needed or used, but if the local supervisor needs a small number for a particular project it is easier to just say, “ok, team 2, report” than to try to ad hoc select a few kids out of the group. This also provides built in adult leadership.
  
• Have work groups for group maintenance: Meals, laundry and cleanup, worship, evening activities.
  

Youth rooms and spaces

Take seriously all the advice in the manuals and books to have spaces that are appropriate for the occupants and for the activity. In other words, a room that youth actually will like being in. Don't postpone this for a rainy day.

• Discussion space looks different from a study space which looks different from a recreation space. Either the room needs to be flexible or you need 3 or more spaces (sections).
  
• Approach the room from the view of a new youth entering for the first time – when you have a new youth ask for the suggestions for making the space better.
  
• There is a balance between keeping things the same for the sake of tradition (“we've always had that awful painting in here – we sometimes add a mustache or other decorations”) and dingy, rundown and out of date.
  
• Out of date happens quickly. Every few years you have a new group. Create a new youth room.
  
• Do fill it with leftover hand-me-downs. I've experimented with this and run down furniture, besides being off-putting is quickly destroyed since it is not valued. New furniture will be valued and taken care of.
  
• But do get hardy furniture.