Confirmation "Rites of Passage"

Make sure that there are “Rites of Passage” aspects.

• Reserve some specific activities to be used only as a part of Confirmation. This way younger youth look forward to this time when they get to do these things.
  
• These can be fun things like a lock-in, ropes course, trips
  
• they can be serious things like a service project or preparing a “youth service” for church
  
• they can be ritualistic things like the confirmation service itself. Design your own, unique service. (In my NJ church the staff wrote unique prayers for each youth which were given in the service.)
  

Keep surprises surprising

Keep the surprise a surprise by not telling anyone, not your spouse, not your boss, not your secretary. Be paranoid about this. It is worth it. The kids love being surprised, and even though they try hard to get information they are disappointed when they do.

• Don't even tell the other sponsors.
  
• Tell any contact people that it is a secret and to not identify themselves when they call and get someone other than you, such as a receptionist.
  
• Do the secretarial work yourself and try to do as much by email or phone as possible.
  

Youth Sunday -- step 7 The service itself

The service itself

• Make sure everyone is present and accounted for
• Distribute the internal bulletins and printouts of all written parts. (Don't plan on their remembering to bring their copy.)
• Do a walk through in the worship space. Longer items like sermon, Postlude can be shortened, depending on time available. Again encourage them to speak clearly, slowly and loudly.
• Especially practice movement. Nothing is more amateurish than people going to the wrong spot, not moving at the right time and panicking or tripping over each other. Movement should be so smooth that no one notices.
• Leave enough time to give them a potty break before regathering. Set an exact regathering time and place (not in the worship space). When everyone is ready, have a prayer together, then do whatever has been planned for entry.
• If there is more than one service:
  • Have a place where they can hang out between services and have snack food and soda/pop/coke available.
  • when gathered explain that they are at half-time and the game is not won until the end. There is a natural tendency to let down after completing the service once. They need to get “psyched” and ready to do the subsequent service(s) with the same energy as the first. The energy needs to come from the energy of the leaders and the encouragement they give the youth.
  • It is acceptable to make adjustment between services but don't sweat the small stuff or be very critical. It is too late for that and it can discourage the group. Be positive, report any positive feedback you have received after the first service.
  • Once it is over, squash (gently) any negativity, second thoughts, regrets, accusations and complaints. There is no value in “evaluating” other than complementing and expressing pleasure in a job well done.

The day before a big event

Take the day off before (or the day of, if it starts at night) an event. Sleep in, have a relaxed day (perhaps doing domestic chores) slowing your whole system down and taking the time to think about what you need to pack or take.

Check out a new facility or space

When at a new site, such as a camp or trip, check the facility and area carefully. Look for hazards and possibilities, limitations and opportunities. Know your space well before things start.

One example: I was doing a “rustic camp” and walked every inch of the area we would be using. As the campers came in and registered it started pouring rain. Everyone was bummed, and depressed as it looked like things were going to be miserable when I suddenly took off running, threw myself down on the ground and slid across the field on my belly. I was soon joined by the campers and we had a great afternoon. That would not have been possible or safe if I hadn't already check the field and knew that it did not hold any hidden hazards in the area we used for our natural Slip N Slide.

Third day out syndrome

Somewhere around the third day away from home, kids (and counselors and directors) get testy, uncooperative and tend to break into cliques if not warring factions. In other words, the thin veneer of civilization wears off and everyone wonders why they are stuck with all these tacky people. This is the “Third Day Out Syndrome (3DOS).”

More on how to deal with the Third Day Out Syndrome later. But recognizing it helps a lot!

Sanctioned sneaking out at night

An old practice: at a middle school or other younger camp that uses older youth as staff. Let the high school and college staff “sneak” out and join you in the dining hall until 1 am.

• The rules:
  

• There has to be someone left in the dorm with the younger youth.
  
• Bring in a major snack, pizza, or nachos or hot wings or whatever is popular, for this late night time.
  
• They have to pledge to be at full capacity the next day or they lose the privilege.
  
• Have various board games to play.
  
• They have to stay within sight of an adult.
  
• Try to give them space to socialize without adult interference or inhibition but also be available for deep conversation.
  
• Adult can take turns for this duty.
  

Leaving a group

If you care for your youth you will not leave suddenly and without preparation:

• Take time to leave good notes for your successor.
  
  • Leave information about plans that have been made, people that have been recruited.
    
  • Leave addresses, phone numbers, web sites that are needed or helpful.
    
  • Try to indicate traditions that might be difficult to change too soon, things that can be changed easily and things that need to be changed.
    
• Start this documentation early and work on it over time. Leaving it to the end is to guarantee that your successor will be working with inadequate information which is a disservice to them and to your youth. As an example, often reservations for a camp or retreat site have to be done well in advance. It would be a shame if a traditional event can't happen because you didn't warn your successor of the cut-off date.
  

Something to play on trips and retreats

Play Sardines. If you don't know the game, check Wikipedia and read the “Hide and Seek” version. (A freebee hint on Sardines – have the first person to find the sardine become the next sardine, not the last person, as it is commonly played, but, as with the traditional version, the next round is started only after everyone has found and hidden with the sardine.)



Sardines is great in a strange church where the group is spending the night. It also works well in a confined area at a camp.

Youth Sunday: Step 6 Notes for the rehearsal

Notes for Rehearsal about leading a worship service:

Do not upstage God by drawing attention to yourself

Like clothing rule – do nothing to draw attention away from God and worship

Know when you need to be where. If you are speaking from the lectern, sit on that side of the stage, if the Pulpit, sit on the other side.

Anticipate: Move before you are to speak. In almost all cases you move to your place during the end of a piece of music

Once it is time to begin, look at the congregation and make sure you have their attention. You are in charge at that moment. Think it, act it, insist that the congregation acknowledge it.

Do not rely on the sound system – it is reinforcement only.

Do not swallow the mic

Do not tap or blow into the mic

Do not lean into the mic

Speak so that a hearing impaired person in the last row can hear you.

Everything exaggerated. Distance reduces everything:

Loud

SLOW

Enunciate beyond normal

Broad gestures

SLOW

Make sure everyone hears everything – what you have to say is important

Speak to the congregation, not your paper – memorize

As a group you are the Worship leaders even during the Hymns. SING OUT

Go over the processional and seating (leave room for musicians and starting leaders)

Be sure to bring your materials on Sunday.

We Start the rehearsal at 7:45.... Don’t start heading this way at 7:45, don’t consider being on the property at 7:45 as adequate -- be ready to say/play your part at 7:45.

Pizza and soda tonight after our rehearsal.

Middle School humor

Because of the nature of language development, the natural humor of younger youth is body parts and outputs and punning. However, they are expected by many to use more mature vulgarity and “dirty” jokes. These don't make a lot of sense to them because they cannot actually process the more abstract material.

Youth Sunday -- Step 5 Notes for the week before

Notes to the group a week before the service:

All texts to be turned in for copying early in week

Announcements and Prayer concerns will be written out and emailed to you on Friday. There may be some last minute changes on Sunday morning. Announcements can be done by two people.

Memorize even if you have the text in front of you – you need to be able to look the congregation in the eye!

Your copy of the bulletin will have complete instructions about movement and seating.

At the rehearsal we will go over instructions about public speaking.

Clothing rules:

Typical church clothes

No distractions! The focus is to be on God not your clothing

So... No tuxedos or high heels so high the congregation is worried you will fall off them

No bare bellies or butts

Skirts (male or female) must reach knees – the front row of the congregation is at eye level with your knees.

No noisy shoes (flip-flops, etc)

Nothing too exaggerated or dramatic

Talk through the bulletin:

A leader needs to take notes

List who’s doing what

Anyone in youth choir?

Need composers, titles etc

Misperceptions by the youth

Youth perceive things based on their internal concerns and situation. These may be badly skewed, but they are what they believe and have to be recognized and, sometimes, dealt with, directly or indirectly.

• The most common, especially for middle adolescents is the feeling of being left out or excluded, when, in reality this is not the case.
  
• Another common one is that you or another sponsor do not like them or are picking on them.
  
• Many think they are a lot more active than they really are. They think that intending to be there should count.
  

You cannot say “your wrong.” If you think they have a misperception you can only counter their thinking by demonstrating the real situation. (The will not guess that you like them --- you have to TELL them.)

Non-competitive competition

Youth love competition, but hate to lose. The way around this is competition that doesn't really matter; competition where skill or intelligence doesn't really help.

• A team competition that has several events that reflect different skills. Things such as: throw a frisbee at a target, throw it for distance, add up a column of numbers, do a pictionary word, a sprint, solve a logical word problem, etc.
  
• For a series of competitions, give out random points (2 for winner, -100, 14; 50000, 4, 16; etc)
  
• Have first place be a bowl of Jello, 2^nd place be a Snickers bar and 3^rd place be a whole pizza.
  
• I'll eventually post some “crazy olympics” events.
  

Group singing

You don't have to be a guitar player or a song leader but you need to provide for group singing.

• Study the literature to find music that is currently being used in venues you and your group are likely to be attending such as youth conferences and rallies. Focus on this music.
  
• In group settings most kids like certain kinds of music:
  
  • Action music, with hand motions, call and response etc
    
  • Joyful, fast paced music
    
  • Pretty music with harmony
    
• Music sung by a group needs to be simple. A lot of good Contemporary Christian Music is not appropriate for these settings because they are too complex to learn easily. Sometimes portions of a song can be extracted and turned into a group singing song.
  
• Beware of only doing songs you like.
  

Messy games

I don't have any problem with messy or dirty or food related games, but adjustment should be made for “tactile defensive” or “germ phobic” youth. You have to know your group well so you know who will have a problem with a particular game.

• One solution is to suggest to them privately that they just hang back, seemingly in line but never actually getting up to the point of having to do the activity.
  
• They can also be pulled out to do a special job (stopwatch, hand out awards, etc.)
  
• Another solution is to have more than one option, with the gross version being the fastest or more efficient.
  
• Have the game use pairs or teams that allow one or more to stay out of the muck.
  
• As disgustingly funny as it is, it is time to retire “Fuzzy bunnies” – it is not worth the choking risk.
  

packing lunches on a trip

When it is needed for a group to pack sack lunches that they take with them:

• Have a range of lunch materials, but not everything imaginable. (We once had a group that only wanted deli meats, not packaged luncheon meats. Too bad...)
  
• Be certain about special dietary needs.
  
• Have each youth make their own lunch.
  
• Have each youth be responsible for carrying their own lunch rather than trying to combine into coolers.
  
• Choose foods that won't go bad in a half day.
  
• Drinks can usually be bought at the destination.
  

An appropriate attitude for a mission trip

Start early in impressing on all going that they do not go for recognition, appreciation, to feel good, or help “poor souls.” They do these things as a response to God's grace. Appreciation, if given, is just a bonus. Sometimes the people will resent or distrust those that come in to help. This shouldn't matter to us. Expecting appreciation and warm fuzzy feelings is just paternalism.

Youth Sunday, Step 4 -- rehearsal

The “dress” rehearsal

• Distribute the internal bulletins and printout of all written parts. (Don't plan on their remembering to bring their copy.)
• Everyone needs to be there including the sound/light/video people. Just as with a fire drill, the idea is to have the whole process be instinctual through practice.
• Give notes on public speaking in a Sanctuary (available separately).
• Walk through the entire service with nothing left out or shortened. Give loving, encouraging criticism (“boy you have a great voice, but you need to be louder so everyone can hear it”) and start a section over if needed to get it right.
• Keep everything moving so the kids don't get too bored and restless. Use energy and movement on your part to get energy out of them.
• Work at getting people moved and in place before they need to speak or play. This makes the service sharper and more professional and it gives the youth a chance to settle before having to do whatever it is they need to do.
• I always had pizza afterward for those who could stay.

clinging or overly affectionate youth

When you have a clingy, handsy or overly affectionate youth.

• They are not “love starved” as is sometimes assumed. (The “love starved” won't get anywhere near you.) It usually means they are used to being loved and expect it from you too. Sometimes it is just a genetic personality trait or a result of parenting styles.
  
• You need to help “clingy” youth to learn to respect other people's personal space.
  
  • This is not done harshly, but gently, keeping them at an appropriate distance and only occasionally letting them make physical contact.
    
  • If necessary, when they are bothering other kids, you can be privately explicit with them: “many people get uncomfortable when someone gets too close or touches them; you need to back off a bit so you don't make them uncomfortable.” This will be embarrassing to them but is better than having them become ostracized.
    

When a youth says something shocking

When they say something shocking

From time to time, one of the youth in a group setting will let loose with an “inappropriate” comment or question. Responding with shock or disgust or anger are not the most helpful responses unless we want to invite more such comments and questions. There are two different phenomena depending on the age of the youth. I'll describe these in a later post. For now, know that this is normal and expected.

More than just youth group

Recognize, accept and even publicize the idea that a youth group is not for every youth, it is simply one item in a range of activities for youth. Make sure that this is really the case – that there are things for non-group type youth and youth whose schedule does not allow their participating in the “youth group.”

Youth Sunday, step 3 part 2: a participant's bulletin

The participant's bulletin

• The special bulletin for everyone directly involved should include enough detail that no can (easily) get lost, misdirected, forget what they are supposed to say or do. If everyone can see all the instructions, it helps keep things in sync.
• There should be instructions on where people are to stand, sit and speak from.
• Include instructions on when someone is to move, such as from chair to pulpit or from choir loft to lectern, or from group to back to get offering plate. Think through such motion:
  • Can the motion be hidden behind other actions? Major movement of bodies works well during hymns, passing of the peace and offering.
  • Is someone expected to be in two places at once?
  • Is there time to get from place A to place B?
  • Are there chairs enough for everyone expected to sit in one location at one time?
  • Does the pulpit or lectern need a step stool?
  • If wireless mics are being used do any of them need to be passed from one youth to another? And is it possible to do that (one youth in back of sanctuary the other in the front)?
• Include instructions to sound, light, video, and other technicians.
  • Specify what mic is being used at what location for each event
  • When does a video or sound track have to be started and stopped?
  • When are slides changed?
• Except for major pieces (such as the Sermon) include all spoken parts, such as prayers, calls to the offering, introduction to the Lord's Prayer, etc. You should have a copy of the major pieces with you (in case the preacher left their copy in the bathroom just before coming in).

A sample “participant's bulletin” is available on the Documents page of this blog.

Working with abused, unloved or abandoned youth

An abused, unloved or emotionally abandoned child will try to keep adults at an arms-length and will go out of their way to keep from becoming emotionally attached. If you have an occasion to work with such and it is a known situation so you are not called upon to report the situation there are some guidelines for working with them.

• Reaching out and reaching them will be slow and painful.
  
• Be prepared to be abused or attacked by the youth in some fashion. Only by perseverance can their resistance be overcome.
  
• They may try to set you up either to keep you away or to find out your “real motives” for being nice. They will find it difficult to trust and accept you.
  
• Be prepared to go the second mile for them. Only when they finally start asking “why” will there be progress.
  
• These kids need your love more than any others.
  

A ritual of sharing for youth groups, camps, etc

A simple way of allowing for personal sharing that is non-threatening is to start each youth group meeting with a “thorns and roses” (“one good thing, one bad thing”) for the week. Each youth around the circle is to say something, but make it clear that it doesn't have to be anything too serious.

• Although 90% of the items will be shallow that is all right, it allows for those who have something significant to share without being put on the spot.
  
• Keep things moving, some kids just like to hear themselves talk.
  
• Everyone should say something, but they don't have to have both a thorn and a rose.
  

Ideal Time (age group) for a Confirmation Program

• There is no ideal age for Confirmation. For good, theological discussions, 10^th grade is best. But most 10^th graders are too busy and may have already drifted away from the church.
  
• 6^th grade is good for having a loyal group interested in learning the facts and figures of the faith – even memorizing things.
  
• Often the most effective age will be the year before they enter high school and their schedules go through the roof.
  

When a youth has to leave a youth program

Eventually youth that have been particularly close to you or the program have to deal with their impending exit: graduating, moving, changing circle of friends or interests. There are several common ways for them to deal with their feelings in this situation:

• Walking away. Simply making the break when the time comes, without fuss, maybe even without a farewell, leaving the relationship unclosed, open-ended.
  
• Quietly distancing themselves over time. Do keep in touch, making sure they know you are still there, but do not confront or try to coerce them back.
  
• Picking a fight. This usually comes as a surprise and unexpectedly. It is often over a trivial issue and is often vehement. You have to remain the adult and not respond in kind. Just accept the attack and not take it personally. Do not confront or force a resolution.
  
  • Sometimes when youths need to make a break from their parents but can't (there are a variety of reasons a youth may have to remain emotionally dependent on their parents past the normal time for this) they may target you for all their rebelliousness and frustration.
    
  • They'll come back eventually if given a chance. When they come back they'll be adults, and you can establish a different, more mature relationship with them.
    

Leaving a group, pt 1: basics

These comments are mostly directed to people who have a deep and long term relationship with a group and are leaving them forever. The most common situation is the “youth minister” moving on to another calling elsewhere. However, there are hints that apply to less dramatic situations.

• Leaving a group of youth is different than leaving a church. There are different rules that apply.
  
• The best time to leave is when things are going well and stable.
  
• Don't be in a hurry to leave, a group of youth need long time relationships, not annual ones.
  
• Allow about a month between the announcement and your actual departure. This gives time for one-on-one leave taking and gives them time to adjust and stop thinking about it. Youth adjust to new things fairly rapidly. By the end of the month they'll be fine about your leaving.
  
• Recognize that children and younger youth mourn differently than adults. They mourn in bursts: sudden sadness, then quickly moving on. Older youth will be more pensive and want to think through implications. All will view it from their own point-of-view and assess the changes in terms of how it will affect them personally.
  
• They will want an explanation that makes sense to them: money, family obligations, etc. They may want to blame someone, the church, themselves, etc. They probably won't understand or accept “I've been called to another church” or other theological explanations. They'll probably grab onto one explanation that is satisfying and hold on to it for dear life.
  
• Make sure they have a healthy positive explanation to hold on to. If you are leaving mad, it does the youth a disservice to convey that.
  

Inactive youth

If you have youth on your rolls that are currently completely inactive:

• Even if they seem to have completely rejected the Church and are gone for good (perhaps even attending another church), don't give up or drop them from the rolls unless they specifically ask to be left alone.
• They can't get involved if they aren't reminded that the Church is there and what is going on. It is not wasted effort and money to reach out to them through mailings, emails, phone calls. Saving money by purging rolls is like a store eliminating advertizing to save money.
• A had a pair of brothers that were totally inactive from Kindergarten (a Sunday School teacher insulted one of them) until their Jr and Sr years in High School. They finally agreed to come in and meet me. They became extremely active and helped my group transition after I left.

Project of the week

Have kids volunteer to come in once a week to get a project to work on for the coming week. This can be in preparation for an event – name tags, handouts, whatever; publicity; on-going projects like mounting pictures. Short term specific projects give them a sense of accomplishment but are manageable.