Divorce

You are not a very good role model to your youth if your spouse stomps off mad and divorces you because you were never around.

Erroneous Risk Assessment and Mitigation #1: bad or ignored statistics

Risk assessment is always a matter of probabilities. Is it possible? Is it probable. Sometimes we worry about and restrict an activity even though the risk is remote.

• My current pet-peeve is closing indoor pools because of lightening. Under correct conditions (modern building) this is impossible and there are no reported cases of it.
• There are many things about a pool that are dangerous and much more likely, but we do not close the pool because of these possibilities.
• When assessing a risk, look to see what the probabilities are
• Apply the Engineer's test: does this make sense?
• Don't take anyone else's word for it, research it

Jealous parents?

Keep in mind yourself and help parents understand that kids can love you in addition to, not instead of, their parents. You are not in competition for their affections.

Experience is the best teacher #3: A proper environment for learning hard lessons

As the child psychologist have pointed out, trauma and other harsh experiences stunt a child's development. Bad experiences do not “make them tough.” This means that there is a delicate balance between “letting them learn through failure” and letting them suffer. This is a difficult thing to describe and takes good instincts, but a few guidelines:

• If they know clearly that you are not going to bail them out, they almost always come through
• Be prepared to receive heavy pressure from the youth and the youth's parents. Just stand pat with comments about your confidence in the youth.
• Make sure they know that you are with them throughout and that you are not bailing them out because you respect them and think they can do it.
• If you really don't think they can do it, they shouldn't have gotten the assignment in the first place.
• If they can't do it, gently and from the background encourage and guide, so that they get the credit and sense of accomplishment. This can be in the form of prompts “Have you thought about doing it this way?” or as training “here, let us do this together so you can learn how to do this.”
• Social condemnation is the worst thing that can happen to a kid, so if their failure means that their peers will be down on them is not a good thing. You may have to “help” them not fail.
• Social pressure (“the rest of the group is counting on you doing this”) is one of the best motivators. Social approbation is the best reward they can receive.
• Debrief so that they understand what went right and wrong
• Procrastination has nothing to do with it. One of the best Senior Sermons was by someone who called me at 3:00 am to tell me he wasn't going to get the sermon done. I had him tell what he had so far. It was actually very good, and with a little encouragement I talked him off the ledge. (I always have a spare sermon lined up, just in case.)

Erroneous Risk Assessment and Mitigation #0: Overview

It will help for you to review all the positive posts on Risk Assessment: Go to the blog homepage: http://youthministryhints.blogspot.com go down the right hand side to the list of topics and select “Risk.”
Sometimes risk assessment or mitigation is done incorrectly. Sometimes we are mistaken, sometimes we are influenced by myth, urban legend, or misinformation, sometimes we are pressured by others because of myth, urban legend, or misinformation. It is important to know what is right, even if you cannot go with it. Sometimes we have to accept a dumb idea...
Anyway, the subsequent posts on this subject will be looking at common mistakes:

1. Bad or ignored statistics. Impossible or improbable vs probable or likely
2. Sleight-of-hand. Watching the wrong issue or variable.
3. All or nothing. Ignoring or not implementing mitigation.
4. Myth or urban legend

Parent Forums

Try having parent forums that are centered on the parents and their sharing with each other.

• There needs to be a topic, something that can be publicized and draw people to the meeting.
• But it is the sharing part parents need and want.
• But they won't come to something publicized as a "sharing session."
• Have a few seed questions related to the topic to throw out to get things started.
• Intervene or instruct only when absolutely needed.  Save the instructions to other meetings.  
• Or start the meeting with data, then slide into open forum.

More “signature” events

I have mentioned “signature events” and gave a detailed description of one of mine, the Unknown Destination Trip. Here I'll explore the concept a little more and give more examples. As mentioned, the idea behind it is to establish a reputation in some aspect of ministry by having a unique activity that is associated with you or your church. In three of my churches not only was the Unknown Destination Trip popular within my group, the wider public were aware of them and they were associated with my church. Other churches tried to emulate them but didn't know the formula and they “weren't the same” because they weren't ours.
Another signature event that I inherited in my last church was a Confirmation ceremony that was distinct and moving. I cleaned it up a bit and fixed a few questionable practices associated with it, but the basic process was good and had a reputation for being special. This was worth keeping the tradition going.
Another signature event was a hand made coffee mug with their name and the Presbyterian seal imprinted in the mug which was given to the Seniors on Senior Sunday.
Another signature event that I inherited was a special Communion on the Beach at the end of our church camp.
These are not the sort of things you get out of a book or youth ministry manual, but are created by creatively thinking or rethinking what could be done in a unique fashion.

Experience is the best teacher #2: You have to actually let them experience it

Again and again I see parents, youth leaders and other adults jumping in to bail a youth out or to “do it right before the youth messes it up.” On the one hand they never learn to be responsible if they are never expected to be responsible. On the other hand, they cannot learn something without do it.

• You or other adults can't do it for them or bail them out for something less that disastrous.
• If they are ever going to learn how to do something they actually have to do it, not watch someone else do it
• Supervise, suggest, demonstrate when asked, but let them do it
• Debrief, but gently
• My rule of thumb – if the youth are not working neither should be the adults. Only when all the youth are working can an adult pitch in
• Overheard conversations. All of them wrong:
  • “You chowderhead, don't you know to measure twice and cut once? Give me that saw”
  • “I'll sweep up your mess, you go out and play with your friends”
  • “You're taking too long, let me do that”
  • “I know how shy you are so you don't have to participate in the Youth Sunday service”

Parents as people

Have programs and casual discussions with the youth about a parent's perspective. Help them to see things as their parents do. Have a “Parents as People” session where they come to realize that parents have feelings also.
You might do a “quiz” to see how much they know about their parents: first date, jobs they've had, what sports did they play, were they in a band (of any sort), etc

Experience is the best teacher #1: theory

Youth (and all of us) learn lessons better by experiencing it rather than just by reading or being told. This is true of big formal things learned in school or little practical things like being told “the stove is hot, don't touch.” This is about more than “active learning” but about experiencing life lessons. A few guidelines and then I'll give several posts on specific issues.

• The learning may need to be in a controlled environment
• The learning needs to be explicit – they will not intuit why and what they are learning.
• Failure is a learning experience as long as it is not excessively damaging, physically or emotionally

Youth Sports

There is not much we can do about the negative aspects of youth sports. It is a part of our culture. Yes, they start way too young; yes, the coaches and parents are often out of control; yes, most youth are involved in way too many activities and sports; yes, it is offensive for sports to happen on Sunday morning or so early on Sunday afternoon that it eliminates church. But we are not going to have a major impact on changing this. A few thoughts about what a church can do:

• Have coaches' and parent's forums to teach good practices and use the forums as social pressure for good behavior
• Encourage a sense of experimentation for children and younger youth – trying out various sports, learning the basics. Let them become serious when they hit High School
• Be alert to physiological issues for a child/youth: wincing in pain when the move wrong; swollen joints; signs of exhaustion; depression caused by their sport. Report to the parent.
• Gently ask questions about the appropriateness of a particular sport for a particular youth: If their parents are both under 5'10” question whether basketball is the best sport for them.
• If the athletic event is important enough, cut them some slack about coming late or leaving early for a church event. I usually push back with the parent as much as possible but eventually allow it.  I have had parents drive an hour each way twice to retrieve their child from a confirmation retreat and then return them after the match. I have had parents apologize later and regret having their child miss part or all of the church event
• I once had a family get a schedule changed: the youth was a star for the team, they could not win without him. The family told the coach that they would not miss church.  Period, final. Somehow the schedule for that team managed to miss Sunday mornings. :)

Some youth are natural risk takers.

Some people theorize that they need the adrenaline rush, others that it is genetic. It matters not what the cause is. Try to identify such a youth as early as possible so you are prepared when you find them riding on top of the church van, or whatever. They are not necessarily bad kids even if they drive you crazy Of course this characteristic can be combined with other traits that can make them dangerous or disruptive.

• Usually they can simply dissuaded or distracted (“Jane, no”).
• You can also satisfy their needs through
  • competition
  • a challenge (who can swim to the dock and back?”)
  • exercise (Jim, how about you run around the camp 2 -3 times?”)
  • controlled risk such as a zip line
• A discussion or lecture about danger usually is not very effective
• The parents almost always know about the condition and have been dealing with it from the youth's infancy – they don't need to be told

Kids love their parents

Help parents understand that no matter how stormy a relationship might be at the moment that their children love them. The situation where the child actually doesn't love a parent is RARE – they may be really, really mad at them and want to disown them, but the instinctive love is still there.

Flying Disk Miniature Golf

Indoor or Indoor/outdoor Flying Disc miniature golf. Easy to set up, fund to do. Prior to the game have two sets of 18 sheets of paper marked 1-18, or one set marked “Tee 1,” etc and another set marked “Hole 1,” etc. If you are using regular frisbees the holes need to be all outside, if you are using “soft disk” (also know as playground spots) The can be indoor and outdoors. Make the holes challenging: around corners, on the backside of objects, etc. To spice things up a bit, have a couple of holes cross so players or teams are in each other's way. Holes can be vertical (taped to a surface) or horizontal. A player has made a hole of their disk touches, even briefly the hole. This can played individually but is more fun in foursomes. Teams can share disks.

Group Check in by Cell phone

Under certain circumstances with older youth, where the groups are spread out over a large area, it is acceptable to have every sub-group phone in their location and receive any messages or instructions.

Ways of being visible in a congregation

It is important for you, your youth and your program to be constantly and consistently visible to the congregation:

• To a degree even negative attention is better than no attention: A complaint about their being noisy or messy can be responded to positively with: "Isn't it wonderful? How many congregation have this problem???"
• Get youth on committees and boards
• Use them in worship
• Use them as Sunday School teachers
• Have ”Parent's Day Out” babysitting services from time to time
• Use them for a “valet” service
• Have a prominent bulletin board with pictures of the youth and their activities
• Have a prominent bulletin board celebrating the accomplishments of the youth
• Have them attend Congregational meetings
• Send a newsletter about youth activities to the entire congregation, not just to the youth
• Make sure the youth ministry page on the church web site is unique and attractive and up-to-date

Which group to introduce new ideas, programs and practices with:

Middle schoolers and Middle School youth groups are a good time to introduce new ideas, programs and practices.

• Like it or not High School youth are pretty set in their ways.
• Middle Schoolers will try things.

• If they don't like it they will be blunt about the feelings.

Auto insurance

Have high coverage for carrying passengers for yourself and your vehicle and for the church.  This may seem obvious, but too many don't get around to reviewing their policy or try to cut corners here.  It is not worth the risk.

Music night

Have a “Music night” where everyone brings a song to play and discuss as to its meaning and value.
 Have kids “grade” songs on:

• Overtly Christian
•  Christian group, not overtly Christian song
• Non-Christian but supports Christian values
• Neutral
• Supports non-Christian values
• Explicitly anti-Christian

Find time to talk to parents singly and collectively.

This was not one of my strengths.  I didn't always find the time to meet with them collectively.  Because of my conviction that the youth and I needed to work out our own issues without running to the parents, I didn't always bring the parents in either.
However, parents need to be kept informed.  If you meet with Parents collectively you can answer all questions at the same time rather than the same questions time and time again.  It also helps if they all hear the same things at the same time, so if there is a misunderstanding, other parents can straighten them out.
Individually, it is instinct more than anything, but if there seems to be something the parents don't know but need to know and it is not betraying the youth, then meet with the parents.  It may be that the kid is much better than than the parents are giving him/her credit for.

Not winging it?

Many of us are pretty good of thinking on our feet and punting when necessary. This should not be an excuse for being lazy and not planning. What if you had a late night counseling or medical emergency to deal with and you are not “at the top of your game?” Do you really want to blow something important? Always have a lesson plan, sermon outline, list of games, schedule. Write these out Just in Time so they are fresh. Then be prepared to set them aside and use your extemp skills if you are so inclined. These are neither a crutch to be dependent on nor a waste of time, they are a starting place.