In the airport with a group

When flying with a group things can get out of control fast and the airline personnel are generally unsympathetic. The youth are your responsibility even if the problem is caused by the airline.

• Get a photocopy of the ID they will be using and use the name on it for the name on the ticket. This may sound anal but there are times when the airport security will pull someone whose ticket name doesn't exactly match their ID. Check the names on the tickets carefully against the ID. When traveling with a group you cannot afford to work out problems in the airport.
  
• Not everyone in a group may have a seat assignment before arriving at the airport. Get one assigned as quickly as possible. You cannot allow one youth being bumped at the last minute. Even if you have to raise a ruckus.
  
• Check the group in all together with you or another adult counting to make sure everyone has gone through.
  
• The group has to remain together until everyone is inside security.
  
• Regather > 15 minutes before boarding time.
  
• Have someone count as each person goes through the gate. Some kids can get lost in an amazingly short period of time.
  
• Count again after disembarking. Count again at the baggage carousel.
  
• Count again after everyone has claimed all the luggage (including assigned bags).

Issues with waiting lists for an event

• Sometimes you can add people late without a great deal of penalty but this makes it even more likely for families to procrastinate in getting reservations in in the future.
• Create a “wait list” that can be drawn from when there are cancellations. 
•  However, a really late cancellation probably should not be filled. It is unfair to everyone to try to scramble around at the last minute to fill a spot.
• If the wait list only has one name on it and the deadline is well past, work this person in somehow.

Small confirmation groups

If a small church with only 1-2 confirmands, consider joining with other area churches of the same denomination to create a joint confirmation program that sometimes meets all together and sometimes just with the local church youth by themselves. This gives the best of both worlds.

There will be more on small confirmation groups and mentor approaches to confirmation later.

Priorities: Church.-- from our prospective

  Many of us are weak in our institutional loyalty, but, without a long discussion of the place of the institutional church in the reality of the Body of Christ, for most of us we would not have a ministry except for the institutional church. The faith would not have come down through the centuries without the institutional church. The best hope for youth to have a rich spiritual life and the support of a community in the future is through an institutional church. Yes, we need to critique and reform the institutional church – but in the meantime we need to connect our youth to it. It is one of the most important things we can give them. It needs to very high in our priorities in the design and execution of our youth ministry.

• Avoid including our youth in our personal struggles with the institutional church
  • Our fights with church staff has nothing to do with our kids. Leave them out of it.
  • In our attempts to reform the church, avoid constantly criticizing the church in the presence of the youth. This can sour the youth rather than reform the church
  • Highlight the things the church does right

Games Students Play: Muffet

"Miss Muffet"

(Be sure you have read the introduction to these "games":Games Students Play)

This is a youth to youth game. As originally described it is probably a little sexist. I'll give a synopsis of the original, and give a male to female equivalent.

• The idea behind the game is to be offended by someone of the opposite gender. The female to male version is commonly seeing a double entendre where one was not intended; deciding a guy is “stalking” them because they are in the near vicinity; viewing (and articulating among friends) that a teacher, coach or youth leader is “inappropriate” because of some innocent verbal or physical expression; so on and so forth.
• The male to female version can cover some of the same issues (inappropriate), but is more likely to be seeing hostility on the part of the female that is not there, “she's so mean,” or interpreting something said as a “come on.”
• To break this game, start by under-reacting in order to cut some of the drama. If you were not there when the original offending comment was made, you are not in a position to comment one way or the other.
• If you heard the comment and viewed it different from Miss/Mr Muffet explain how you heard it. Don't say “you're wrong” just “here's what I heard.”
• If the offending party did say or do something questionable, even if innocently, out of everyone's earshot take them aside and explain how their words/actions “could” be interpreted.

When a youth dies: Content of the Mourning meeting

Content of a mourning meeting

• Always give the youth opportunities to vent
• Ask questions that will both get them to open up and to show what needs to come out of the gathering.
• Directly address the issue of “it isn't fair” This is a huge topic and depends somewhat on your theology. But take time to develop a response.
• If it was a tragic death, put in perspective. They need assurance that the world is normally trustworthy and that normally young people do not die
• If it was illness, emphasize that it was a natural process and not God “zapping” the person.
• Express, probably more than once, that “God is grieving with us.”
• Anger, including anger against God in normal and God doesn't need defending by humans. Accept the anger, reflect it (“I sure can understand why you are angry, I, personally feel....”)
• Keep in mind that younger youth do not mourn in the same fashion as adults. They mourn in sudden burst which pass quickly. Be prepared for some head jerking shifts.
• Listen for particular people that might be slipping into depression or saying things like “I'd like to join them.”
• Be prepared to stop and move on when they seem to be done – even if they've not dealt with all the things you think they need to deal with.

Preparing a group for a major trip

Spend some time on group building.

• Of course have activities that acquaint everyone with names and backgrounds of everyone.
  
• Work hard at getting everyone there for every meeting.
  
• Even if there is not much needed to do before the trip have work groups that must meet together to do their work.
  
• Some possibilities are:
  
  • “Community Life” that researches things to do wherever you are going. They should also plan to bring board games and other recreational materials for “down times.”
    
  • “Logistics” that determines what things need to be brought along such as tools, flashlights, camping equipment, … and who is responsible for bringing what.
    
  • “Publicity and promotion” which publicizes the trip with the congregation at large and maybe even the general public.
    
  • “Historians” that will plan on how and who will record the trip and make a report back to the congregation. Someone will need to bring a computer and someone will need to be the official photographer with a good digital camera.
    
  • “Food Committee” to decide menus and snack food, and what should be brought along from home. Make sure the committees are random in make up. This is a group builder more than anything else.
    

Youth night

Consider seriously having the youth program on a week night. This is not best for some churches, but has real possibilities for many:

• Families travel a lot on weekends, rarely Tuesday through Thursday.
  
• There are a lot of sports games on Sunday – but then there a lot of sports games on every day....
  
• Kids put off doing homework until Sunday night.
  
• Many schools now have a lot of 3-4 day weekends which break a group's rhythm.
  
• Churches have a lot of Sunday evening events which break a group's rhythm.
  
• Some communities still have a midweek “church night” that has limited sports and school activities.
  
• Also, a church can have it's own “church night” when it tries to have all its regular meetings.
  
• Try for an all in one night approach. Cutting down on the number of trips to the church is appreciated by parents and gives the impression that the church is a unity rather than a bunch of unrelated departments: Youth Groups, Youth Choirs, Bible Study group, Tutoring, Service projects, Confirmation class, Scouting, God and Country programs.
  

When the group is wound too tight and things are too chaotic for the situation, push the reset button:

• Establish with the group that when you turn off the light everyone has to be silent until it is turned back on
• After a lesson on Prayer Techniques where you introduce “Breath Prayer” (for a minute,every time you breath in you pray half of a one line two phrase such as “Dear Lord, Give me strength” and when you breath out you pray the 2nd half). Call for a breath prayer when needing to calm things down.
• Have everyone get up and rearrange themselves where no one is next to either person they were next to before

Confirmation -- when family wants to opt out of an activity

If a family has Confirmation as a lower priority as needed and wants to opt out of some of the activities or requirements, don't let them put you in the role of bad person.

• Be sympathetic and listen to all their excuses.
• Explain that it wouldn't be fair to the other youth if their youth didn't have to do everything.
• Offer some alternative and equivalent activities they can substitute. This means more work for you but if you can redeem this family, it may be worth it.
• If they complain that, “They didn't have to do all this nonsense,” “other churches don't require these things,” “you shouldn't put roadblocks in the kids paths,” agree that other churches do things differently but this is how it is done here – your hands are tied.
• Keep the ball in their court. If they opt out of confirmation it is their decision and they can't blame it on you or the church.

Adults that dominate a mission trip

A common scenario on a mission trip involving youth: The adults are competent, skilled and committed to the mission; the youth are committed to the mission, unskilled and inexperienced. Therefore, when working on the project the adult pushes the youth to the side, either physically or politely (“let me show you how to do this”). After awhile the youth gets bored and starts “acting up” or “goofing off,” which makes the adult mad because they are working hard but the youth is not. Tensions rise. In the end, the youth has been robbed of a life-changing mission trip experience.

To avoid or to deal with this situation:

• Carefully explain to all the adults they need to allow the youth do work.
• On a youth mission trip, especially, I tell the adults that it is the youth's mission trip and the responsibility for serving the people in need belongs to the youth. The adults responsibility is to the youth, helping them have a good experience.
• Help the adult understand that teaching a youth how to do something is best done by guiding the youth not doing it for them.
• Keep the adult/youth ratio in a work team small. Hopefully give them a task that the adult can't do alone.
• Have a rule: no adults work until all the youth are working
• Call a dominating adult away from a work project to do something else

Priorities: Making God first

Priorities: God/Christ. Of course, but what does this mean. Just talking about God or including Christ in a youth group meditation will not do the trick. Younger youth will not make the correlation and many of the older youth will be zoned our or reacting cynically. It is in your actions that they will see Christ.

• Pray every chance you get.
  • Even in public.
  • Encourage them to pray.
  • Do not make your prayers so theological (or pompous or rambling) that they can't follow the prayer and cannot follow your lead when they pray.
• Use scripture ever opportunity you get.
  • Teach them good Biblical interpretation and technique.
  • Show them the Table of Contents for locating books
• Have and give a theological basis for everything you do
  • Mission work is for God, not ourselves, not even for those we're serving
  • Gabe Campbell gave his seminar attendees an eye-opening experience by teaching us how to have fun games that have a theological interpretation. (I may describe some these games in the future but an example is the wild physical game of “Ins and Outs” as a metaphor for High School society)

Games Students Play -- Only you and I are cool...

(Be sure you have read the introduction to these "games":Games Students Play)

"Only you and I are cool, and sometimes I wonder about you."

We've all noticed the two people in a group that hang back, sit in the back or to the side and are obviously putting themselves outside of whatever is going on. Yes, it is a defense mechanism, but it has a built in judgment of what is going on – they are too cool and the activity is too dumb.

• Breaking up the game is best done before it begins, in order to avoid direct confrontation.
• Have the room arranged in an inclusive fashion, and don't let it be changed as people come in. If the group is sitting on the floor, don't let someone pull up a chair, etc.
• Recruit one of the two to do something
• Have an adult sit with them
• Use mix and match groups

When a youth dies who is within or close to the group

(See introduction to this topic at: http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=4916279693530706050#editor/target=post;postID=3665643667572815963;onPublishedMenu=allposts;onClosedMenu=allposts;postNum=2;src=postname )

If a lot of your group are affected by a death in their community or if this is someone within your group,

• Address anyone who will be greatly affected, such as close friends, as in my previous post on this topic
• then set a time/place for your whole group to meet
• The content of that meeting will differ depending on the nature of the death. This content will be spelled out in a later post.
• Food is always a good idea with any youth gathering
• The meeting is not to be rushed or hurried but needs to be before any funeral
• Be prepared for some strong feelings and reactions – maybe even hostility or anger. If you can absorb these there may be healing
• A letter to all your youth that gives consoling words will reach those that cannot come to the meeting
• Again, the content of the letter will vary greatly depending on the circumstances of the death.

Making airline reservations for a group

• Consider using a travel agent. They can take care of a lot of the headaches of travel.
• Buy a block of tickets way in advance and for more than you probably will need.
• There is a cut off date before which you can reduce the number of tickets without penalty. Then there is a cut off date for submitting names. Changes after these cut-offs are expensive.
  
• Do not allow latecomers, don't try to add tickets to the block, if someone buys another ticket it should be well in advance of the travel date. Changes like these are where troubles with the airlines happen.
• Make sure everyone has a photo ID, preferably a passport, and have it on them before heading to the airport
• Get a photocopy of each person's ID they will be using
• When submitting the names they must match exactly the photo ID
• When you get the list back from the airline, check the spelling of every name against the IDs

Psychological descriptors are merely averages

You may have picked up on the fact that I'm a big believer in developmental psychology. I have found this to be invaluable for so many reasons. However, I do also feel that we need to keep in mind that all broad descriptors of humans are “averages” not invariable rules. No one youth will completely fit such age group characteristics. They just give us parameters for our programs and activities. When dealing with an individual, we need to view them as a unique individual.

Misc comments about youth group meals

• Buffet style usually works best and with the fewest number of dirty dishes or wasted food.
  
• I don't like starting a meal until everyone is there, which puts social pressure on people to get there on time.
  
• Popcorn is a great late evening snack.
• Be open to creativity by youth or adults. If someone wants to make a favorite dessert or special treat, give that serious consideration.

Selecting a church to stay in on a trip

There are many factors for selecting a church for a youth group to stay in. These comments just touch the surface. I have found that almost all churches are willing to house a group.

• Select a larger church in the target area. They are more likely to have comfortable facilities and space for games.
• Call early, most churches will want the Session or Trustees or Staff to agree to it
• If a church has too many rules or requires a “release” and verification of insurance, try somewhere else. These things are probably just the tip of the iceberg of pickiness.
  
• Call the youth or Christian Education staff person. They may have to refer you to the financial officer, but they are more likely to be advocates
• Promise to leave the facility clean
• It usually is good form as well creating a good impression when asking for space if you comment that you intend for your group to attend worship there
• Check when their Sunday morning events occur so you can assure them that you'll be up and packed and out of the way before they start
• Get permission to use the kitchen
• Ask for two appropriately sized rooms, preferably with carpeting, for sleeping in

The value of worship attendance

Do your youth a favor of guaranteeing a life of regular worship by urging, nudging, nagging, tricking them into attending regular corporate worship. We now know that people will “naturally” do what they did as children. If they attended worship as a child they are more likely (by a 3-1 margin) to attend as adults – no matter how miserable they were. If they didn't attend as children they won't as adults. Youth activity worship doesn't do the trick, unless there will be youth activity type worship available to them their whole lives.

Worship is like riding a bicycle. It take practice, getting used to, and, occasionally falling off. But the older you are when you try to learn, the harder it is to learn (and the more it hurts when you fall off).

Priorities in youth ministry: Introduction

All us have the right priorities in the right order, when we stop to think about it, but in the press of day to day youth ministry it is easy to let theology give way to the practical. The solution is to figure out how to live out, in practical ways, our theology. Here are is a possible set of priorities and some ways these can be played out. It is not essential that everybody accept this set of priorities in this order. My goal is to show how we can practically live out a theological set of priorities. We can all benefit with other followers of this blog adding to the this discussion.:

A detailed exploration of these items will follow over the next few weeks, but in summary:

1. God/Christ trumps everything.
2. The Church/Body of Christ and institutional church
3. The Youth themselves.
4. Ourselves
   Actually #2 should come in about #10 with nothing in between and our own needs, desires and opinions should come in about #50 with nothing in between...

When a youth not in your group dies

(See introduction to this topic at: http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=4916279693530706050#editor/target=post;postID=3665643667572815963;onPublishedMenu=allposts;onClosedMenu=allposts;postNum=2;src=postname )

 

• When you hear of a death that might affect your group, if the person is not in the your group but may be known to some of your group, try to determine who might be affected, and to what extent. This may take some phone calls.
• If the number of youth that may be affected is limited, call each, right away. Determine how much they are hurting. Do basic sympathy and listening.
• Find out from each of them anyone else in your group that you may need to reach out to. Offer your services to people outside the group as well.
• Talk to someone knowledgeable in the school or community to see if this event is going to be a really big deal with a very public funeral, etc. Maybe you can be of service.
• You might want to offer taking your group out for lunch following the funeral to “talk about things.”

Bible study/lesson

Although it often gets the left-overs of our youth's time, it is of the utmost importance. It is worth putting time and effort into to make them as affective as possible.

1. All modern educational practices come into play.
   
   1. If you haven't done so already, take classes in modern educational theory and techniques.
      
   2. Most kids are used to the use of media, short, experience-based learning activities, discussions. They are not used to lecture, read and respond or other passive approaches. Research also shows that the active styles are effective and the passive styles are ineffective.
      
2. Modern youth are used to a “what's it mean to me and my life” point of view to learning.
   
3. Keep in mind the developmental stages: 4-6^th grades are data gatherers – facts and figures are what they crave; 7th-9^th are interested in integrating the facts into their lives and the rest of life; 10^th and above are ready for abstract concepts and deep theology.
   
4. Point out that Bibles come with a table of contents. It is a waste of time having them thumb through the Bible pretending they know where a book is. Point out that many Bibles start with page 1 again with Matthew. [It is fair and helpful if they are looking for Acts, for example, to recite: “Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Acts...” et cetera]
   
5. Always allow Bible questions, promising to look up and answer next week any you don't know. No one knows everything about the Bible, so don't pretend to.
   
6. A good game is “stump the minister.” Have the youth find Bible content questions to ask the most Biblically literate minister on staff. Prizes to those who posed winning questions. Off limits are questions about things not actually in the Biblical text (titles and headings, page numbers, chapter and verse markings), and items that are too obscure for a normal person to know.
   

Reporting sexual abuse and other things

Know your state laws concerning what has to be reported.

• Almost always any sexual abuse situation has to be reported. These one-size-fits-all laws may be offensive or seemingly inappropriate for a particular case, but they are there for good reasons and should be observed.
  

• Don't make promises you should not, cannot, keep. If you are required by law to report something, like a pregnancy, don't promise not to tell. But you can say something about the importance of their telling their parents and that you'll go with them and help them through it.
  

• If you think that a legally significant issue is coming up, such as sexual abuse, give them some kind of warning, such as: “Some situations are so big and destructive, we really can't deal with these kinds of things just the two of us, we need to go to someone who can really help, which may include legal help. In fact we are required to do so in some situations. You'll need to trust me to know when this is the best thing. If we need to go for help, I'll be with you throughout and make sure you are all right. You are too important to allow a bad situation to continue.”
  
• If, indeed, they are in an abusive situations, of any kind, work at getting them to go (with you, at first) to a professional who is trained and skilled in helping such youth.
  

Youth Group Moods

Scientifically provable or not, expect them to be loony at full moons, and wild whenever there is a dropping barometer. Batten down the hatches when the weather is changing on a full moon.

• Remember that these things affect you too – are you a part of the problem?
  
• There is little value in fighting it or going away mad at them for being out of control. Just make adjustments and survive it – such times are a good time for a surprise field trip or scrapping a lesson in favor of wild games. However, stay in control and make sure nothing bad happens.
  

Games Students Play -- The Kick Me Kid

(Be sure you have read the introduction to these "games":Games Students Play)

"Why does everything always happen to me"

Youth game. This is the youth that seems to wear a "kick me" sign. They expect everyone to pick on them and many oblige them. Their reward for playing this game is the freedom to whine, complain, get attention, even retribution. This is not a matter of blaming the victim and does not justify the bullying. However, it doesn't help the situation if the victim works at being victimized. (It might be surmised that the victim is abused at home, but I've not seen any correlation. This might be an interesting study...)

Breaking this game is almost impossible because it is usually ingrained in the person and probably in the family as a whole. Some hints when encountering a “kick me kid:”

• React in as low key fashion as possible.
• If the whine can be ignored do so.
• If it has to be acted on (“John just hit me!”) do so with little drama and outside the view of the victim or anyone else. Bullying can't be tolerated, but inverse bullying by the victim is not good either. You can't always know what led up to the attack.
• Find ways of giving positive attention to the person playing this game.
• Resist the temptation to just tell the person to “toughen up,” “life is hard and then you die” or other natural reactions. But you can, through your gentle lack of sympathy, show that you expect them to endure.
• This is an issue that might benefit from ideas and suggestions from others.

Surprise activities

Eventually I'll give detailed comments and a document or two about major surprise activities. One of my most popular events was an Unknown Destination Trip for my Middle Schoolers. But these have to be done carefully. Here are a few random hints about these events.

• Youth's schedules have gotten so complex that having a surprise activity outside the normal times for youth events is very difficult and you can only count on a percent of the kids to be available. This affects things like surprise breakfasts, retreats, trips.
  
• Don't expect the kids to have money. Surprises have to be fully funded.
  
• If it is an overnight, when parents drop off their children, provide each with a sealed envelope with a complete, moment by moment agenda, with contact phone numbers. They are not to open these before you leave.
  
• If there are going to be more than one vehicle on a trip, provide each vehicle with a sealed envelope that has maps, schedule and phone numbers in case you get separated.
  
• No one, not even the other counselors, your spouse, your boss is to know anything. Spouse and boss can be provided one of the sealed envelopes with details.
  
• Some places of interest may require their own releases for each participant. If so, have each parent fill out and sign after the youth are loaded into the vehicles. If the youth has to sign also, have them do so just before that particular activity.

When a youth dies

When a youth in your program dies or when a youth's death will affect your group.

This is a huge topic and not one that can easily be reduced to “hints.” There are so many variations to the situations you might be faced with: sudden and tragic death of a youth at school, a disaster which causes death, a suicide (which is also be covered in other hints), a sudden and tragic death by one of the youth in your group, a long lingering illness that ends in death, a death-like tragedy such as an abused child being taken away to foster care, a youth's parents are killed and the youth is moved to another community... on and on.

Although kids get over things really quickly they still can change their view of God, life, the world in these small, brief moments of trauma.

The hints I'll be giving are focused on very specific actions the youth leaders will probably need to take. The details will depend on the situation.

Trip orientation meeting: illegal activities

Rules of behavior. Explain that laying out rules is not a sign you don't trust them. Trust has nothing to do with it. The adults are held legally responsible for the youth. This is strictly a formality so that there are no misunderstandings or surprises:

• On some things there can be no flexibility: If you break the law (underage drinking, drugs, etc) we'll still love you and forgive you as we put you on the airplane home – at your parent's expense.
  (I had one group of boys put me to the test on this -- they bought a joke bottle of honey that looked like a bottle of bourbon.  They pretended to be sneaking it and let me catch them.  I started to make arrangements to fly them home when the revealed the "joke." We all laughed but I almost had a heart attack over it. They never tried anything unacceptable after that.)
  

Nicknames

If a youth is still called by a childish nickname, use the youth's formal name unless they indicate they prefer the nickname. This is a form of giving them respect and indicating that you think they are grown up.