Staying out of trouble

You are a sinner, the youth are sinners, and by-standers are sinners. Accepting these premises can save a lot of heartache.

• This theology translates into establishing practices that avoid temptation and misinterpretation.
• Too many fallen youth workers were not predators, but weaker and dumber than they thought they were.
• Too many destroyed careers were a result of a youth's word vs the youth worker's word with nothing and no one who could corroborate the youth worker's version of what happened.

There will be many specific suggestions on how to avoid trouble and misunderstandings in future posts

Questionable music

Research shows that youth most often don't know the readl meaning of the lyrics they are listening to. They may know the lyrics by heart and be able to sing them, but their interpretations, if any, are most often reflections of their thinking, not the music itself.

• You can learn what is going on in their lives by having them interpret specific songs.
• You may know that a song is incredibly vulgar, but they may not realize it or they may have come up with a non-vulgar interpretation.
• Attacking their music rarely has any positive outcome.
• Teasing them about a particular song or singer can sometimes help make them think about the song or singer.

The Exhaustion Flu

“Exhaustion Flu:” Flu-like symptoms caused by exhaustion -- usually lack of adequate sleep over the course of a week. The “Exhaustion Flu” is not actually the flu or any other form of illness, although we often call it the flu just to put a good face on the fact that the kid was not using good sense and taking care of themselves.

Keep after the kids to get enough sleep if the event is more than one night. 

• 
  The symptoms are throwing up violently and for an extended period, and then falling asleep for 8+ hours.
  
• They do not have a fever of significance, stop throwing up after the first series and wake up feeling fine.
  
• 
  Although it doesn't do any real harm, it is inconvenient and disruptive.
  

Mediocre is sometimes OK

Many things can be allowed to be mediocre. Evaluate the value of an effort based on long term effect on the youth or the program.

• Will an activity that is worth surviving survive even if you don't put a huge amount of time into it? Protect your time and your volunteers' time for the truly important things.
• As I warn my achievement oriented youth, beware of the tendency to make an “A” four times over. There comes a point at which additional preparation will add very little. Stop at that point.
• On the other hand, flying by the seat of your pants or faking it is not acceptable either. Simply spend enough time preparing and executing each item.

Pre-mature bodies

The modern situation is such that because of excessive (and often bad) nutrition, the youth's bodies are maturing before the rest of them. So even though they may have entered puberty, they are still ten years old in mind, spirit and emotions.

Because of the “mature” bodies, people expect them to be older than they really are. This is hard on them because they cannot live up to these expectations, they can only be as old as they really are.

Old, New, Repeatable, Wornout

Compile lists of songs, games and lessons that might work in your setting. Keep these lists handy for reference and tracking usage.

• Make sure there is good variety and they don't just reflect your personal tastes or passions.
• Intersperse new songs and games into the “old standards” Move to the back burner some of the overused ones.
  
• Remember that after 3 years “oldies,” such as trust walks or collages, are once again new and unknown.
  
• Be aware of what they are doing in school. If they are getting a subject in school, they probably don't need it at Church also, but you can give the Church's perspective in a short abbreviated form.
  
• Make sure that each generation of youth get exposed (but not overexposed) to your best or most important lessons. One way of knowing the success of a program is when the youth talk about or pass on the lesson to their peers.
  

Bacon

Bake don't fry your bacon. You can cook large amounts easily and with a lot less cleanup mess.

• Lay out on on flat trays in the oven.
• Cover with paper towels to reduce splatter.

Favoritism

• We tend to favor the ones that everyone else favors. They really don't need any more attention and may actually appreciate being treated as just another kid.
  
• We also may favor those like us or who agree with us. Avoid giving their suggestions or involvement too much support – no matter how brilliant we may think they are.
  
• Try to honor or give opportunities to youth that are just as capable but may usually be passed over in the general society. Church can be the outlet for these capable kids.
  
• Beware of overcompensating by ignoring the potential favorite. But if you must err, err on the side of giving them too little attention rather than too much.
  
• There will be sibling-like rivalry behavior among the group. Don't give them legitimate reasons for being jealous.
  
• Sometimes they expect to be favored and be put out that they are not. Too bad. This is a life learning experience for them.

A counselor with a child in the program

Try to find counselors who are not related to any of the youth.

• This is better for all concerned, but it is especially good for introducing youth to other role models. The more good role models the better (which is also an argument for not using the same people for more than one activity). 
• If you have to take a parent, get permission from their children first – make this a known policy. Everyone knows that I find it reasonable and not a comment about the child's relationship with the parent if they veto the possibility.  This is also a way of showing respect to the youth.
  
• Tell all counselors that while they are on duty they are “not related to any child or sibling that is also at the event: They are not to favor them; they are not to hold them to a higher or lower standard than any other youth; they are not to interfere in that youth's affairs; they are not to overrule another counselor or intervene in the youth's behalf.” They can be related to the youth on their own time, not while on duty.

Sleepwalkers

Sleepwalkers. Usually a factor when there are younger youth.

• Sleepwalkers are easy to herd, to guide back to their beds, it is only important be aware that they are on the move.
• Parents often won't report if their child is a sleepwalker. In fact, some kids sleepwalk only on trips like a youth trip and parents may not be aware of it.
• It is worth reporting to a parent that their child sleepwalked, but without criticism or suggestion that there is something wrong with their child.
• A known sleepwalker can be hemmed in so that they can't go far without waking someone who can simply head them back to their bed (sleeping bag).

Turning failure into success

A favorite story, maybe apocryphal: a church kept dumping their youth ministers, because each came in and planned a beginning of the year retreat for 50. They had 12 show up and it was a failure. Finally, one youth minister came and planned a retreat limited to 12. It sold out and was, therefore, a success. That youth minister was kept.

What should be taught in Sex Education

I'll not try to give a curriculum or suggest what should be taught or not taught, but simply give hints about process and situations that may come up.
 More on this topic later...

Who should teach Sex Education

“Trained driver on a closed course – don't try this at home.” Sex Education is not for amateurs. As the old saying goes “Everyone is a little bit crazy when it comes to sex.” We cannot rely on our own instincts and opinions. If possible find a trained and trusted expert to bring in; if you are going to do it yourself, get training and a good curriculum.

Any formal class or program or retreat should have at least one medical person that is comfortable about discussing the subject openly. Go over some of the possible controversial subjects to make sure co-teachers are comfortable with the position being taken in the program.

where to have Sex Education

Have the event at a theme park (or other really attractive event – maybe a “Challenge course?”)

• Get a weekend pass for everyone
• Have sponsors that focus strictly on the non-instruction times as well as the leaders of the classes
• Intersperse lesson times with times at the park. This is a great tension release and gives the youth time to process the information, personally and in groups.
• If doing both middle school and high school groups, one group can be at the park while the other is in class and vice versa

The theme park can be a real draw. It also becomes an “excuse” for their attending the Retreat “I'm going to the Six Flags Retreat. Are you?” It becomes a code name for the “Sex retreat.”

When to have Sex Education

Have any kind of formal Sex Education program outside of the normal church program. Do not make it a part of youth group or Sunday school meeting.

• Otherwise it may force some kids to miss the meeting or class if their parents don't approve. They may never make it back.
  
• Kids don't like being forced to talk about something they weren't sure they wanted to talk about.
  
• Some parents may object and it puts you in opposition to them.
  

Once started, you really need time to deal with the subject without being rushed or having to cut off the discussion in mid stream.

When to cancel something

When to call off events or group meetings

• rarely, if at all.

• It is OK if it matches what the school district is doing such as school is canceled because of a hurricane.
• Or you can't get the requisite number and type of sponsors. (At least two and at least one representing every gender of youth that might show up.)

If you cannot guarantee that everyone will have gotten the message about a cancellation, then someone needs to be there to meet those that show up.

Doesn't matter if it is a small turn-out. Take advantage of that fact and do something you can't do with a larger group. Make it a time of creativity and flexibility. Reward the faithful by doing something special. Go out for Ice Cream.

Otherwise you get the reputation that you (the group/church/event) can't be trusted. Why should they plan on an event or activity if there is a chance it will get canceled. This becomes a self-feeding cycle.

Risk assessment

It is neither appropriate to be reckless nor so cautious the youth do not have any fun and are not exposed to growing experiences. Here are hints about achieving a balance. (Insurance people may want to skip this section...)
Basic rules of risk assessment:

• How probable is harm (someone is sure to get hurt/no one is likely to get hurt).
  
• How severe is the harm if it occurs (if someone is hurt they might die/if someone is hurt they might break a nail).
  
• To what extent can the danger be mitigated or protected against (If they are strapped in there is little danger/otherwise they are in real danger).
  
• How important (fun, helpful) is the activity (the best activity ever/no one will miss it if we don't do it).
  

Taking a youth home

If it is necessary to take a youth home alone, have them call to report to a parent when you are leaving (“so they'll know when to expect you”), and again when you arrive if the parents are not at home.  Always wait until the youth is safely inside before leaving.

Stuff for the office

1. I inherited three cockatiels from my sister and put them in my office. This was very helpful in my ministry. Children and youth would flock to my office to talk to the birds, which allowed easy conversations. They would also occupy the children when I was trying to talk to the parents.
   
2. A Skittles/M&M dispensing machine also drew kids to my office. Although I put a "only one handful per visit" limitation (a limitation ignored by the head of staff, I might add).
   

Communicating with parents

Find opportunities to communicate directly with parents. I have always believed that kids should be treated as independent people and should get all correspondence and information directly and make their own decisions. However, parents can't be left in the dark about things. Send them separate correspondence that gives them a basic idea of what is going on.

Liability laws

Check state laws about liability. Some states, have “Good Samaritan Laws” (insurance people tend not to know this information). Good Samaritan Laws protect churches from being sued for liability (except, perhaps, for sexual misconduct). The details of what is covered and what is not is important.

A personal travel kit

Put together a permanent travel kit with all the standard trip items: small, toiletries, a small first aid kit, basic medications, suntan lotion, ointment, eye wash, spare glasses or contacts, a small package of Kleenex (which can double as toilet paper), a little ball of string or twine, lots of bandaids, small flashlight, a couple of youth type toys.  Assume that on some trips you will not be able to get to a store for anything.

Your children in the group

At one time or another many youth workers have their own children in whatever group we are working with. In fact many people start working with youth because their children are in the group. However, this causes some difficult complications in relationships. Avoid being like that crazy coach that only cares about his/her own child on the team. 

 

Do not give your children too many leadership opportunities, even if they are the best candidate.

• You can give them love and support and parent attention when you are not on duty.
  
• Do not allow them to take advantage of the relationship.
  
• If there are 15 kids in the group, your child only has 1/15^th of a right to get his/her own way or get your attention.

Under suspicion

This is an era when there are regular headlines about youth workers being arrested for sexual abuse. We cannot ignore this situation but must make allowances for the distrust and uncertainty that will be always be present. These are controversial, debatable issues and issues that need to be nuanced beyond a “hint.” I toss out some basics and how I've dealt with some specific issues that have come up. These issues are not always clear-cut.

1. The general public cannot tell before the fact whether a youth worker is trustworthy or not.
   

• As a result, parents cannot risk their children's well being by guessing wrong.
  
• So youth workers will always be, at least a little, under suspicion.
  
• Modern youth have been raised to be suspicious and fearful and, therefore, can easily misinterpret your words and actions.
  
• Off-color language, jokes or innuendos are likely to either be reported to parents or, more likely, topics of talk and criticism among themselves.
  

Church staff

Here are just random aphorisms and comments to bring out the important issues about staff relationships in a somewhat stark fashion. This is a topic that is written on constantly in books and articles. Their advice is almost always good and on target. Read up on the subject.

• If you are not “head of staff” remember that fact.

• Second guessing other staff members is an invitation for them to second guess you.

• Avoid office politics as if it were a blazing fire, otherwise you will get burned.

• There will always be trials and tribulations and hostile people, no matter where you are or what you are doing. (One of my favorite aphorisms is: “The great thing about being a martyr today is that they don't use real arrows.”)

Spare T-shirts

Keep on hand spare t-shirts of various sizes so that if a kid's shirt gets wet or soiled they can change into a spare and keep going.  They are to clean and return the t-shirt by the following week.

Kindness and caring have to be demonstrated

Kindness and caring will cover a multitude of personal defects. Above all else, openly care for your kids. Remember that they cannot intuit this, you have to clearly demonstrate it.

Cooking for groups on a trip

These suggestions mostly come from my wife Margo, who became a specialist of feeding groups of 20-30 on week long trips.
Plan a sequence of combinable foods:

• Tacos provide left over meats and cheese for chili.
• Chili can become a base for a casserole along with leftover peas and other foods.
• Baked chicken can become a barbeque dish.
  
• Ice cream one night can become an ice cream pie later in the week.
  

Toward the end of the week have a “left overs night” putting out everything left, plus one new item. This can be billed as a “retrospective” view of the week they've had together

Facebook

Make it clear that you have a Facebook account, or any other such social network that may be popular with your youth.

But do not ask to “friend” them. That puts them on the spot. There are a variety of reasons why they may not want you as a “friend” and asking them directly makes them do something they don't want to do or forces them to tell you that they are going to decline. Wait for them to invite you.

A Youth Ministry Office

If you have an office, make it youth friendly: Some kids like scoping out an office, picking up things off the desk to look at them. So have things in your office for them to look at/play with: joke books; toys; funny calendars; pictures of youth events on walls.

When a youth needs to make a break from you or the program

Eventually all the youth need to leave. Maybe sooner, because of changes in the school or family situation, maybe later as they graduate from high school. For some of them this may be a traumatic and, as they see it, a looming event and they may have reactions that affect you and your program.

• Recognize that their departure may also have emotional content for you, and you also may act out because of it.  At “Senior Sunday” activities, I would tell my congregation that I have “empty nest syndrome times 20, every year.”
• Some kids will reappear as suddenly as they disappear. When whatever was getting in the way, real or imagined, is removed, they will act as if nothing every happened and that they were never away.
• Some kids can be inactive and disinterested from birth to their senior year and suddenly become active.
• Some may think they are really active, when they are not

My favorite toys

Having some playthings always available is valuable for youth ministry.

I keep many of these in my backpack so they are with me always, just in case.

• Flying disc (of course) -- any kind or many kinds including pie pans
• Koosh balls www.kooshball.com -- a hairy ball without a core. You can peg someone with it and it doesn't hurt but you can throw it hard and fast and long. Good for indoors and outdoors and a variety of games.
• Spot markers – indoor or outdoor bases, landing spots, flying disk golf  targets, parking place for circle games such as musical chairs, indoor flying disc.
• Plastic table cloths – Although they work ok as table cloths, they make great snow sleds, bibs for messy games, screens, wall decorations and bulletin board covers
• Anything from Klutz www.klutz.com (Be sure you have their two volume Encyclopedia of Immaturity)