Moratorium #3: How to allow for it

The youth themselves need to have the ability to opt out of things when the stress gets to high for them.

• When lining up people to do a project or responsibility, use volunteers
  • Publicly asking someone to do it, or worse, holding an election or accepting nominations is to risk having the wrong person be selected.
  • If no one volunteers, this may be a sign that the project or responsibility is not one that the youth should be undertaking
  • If the same people always volunteer, it is ok to say out loud “xxx is already doing a lot, how about someone else stepping up.”
• If no one volunteers, but you are confident it is doable and worth doing, wait until after the meeting and approach a good candidate, and ask them to consider it. If they look panicked or angry, back off.
• Sometimes the youth enters a need for moratorium after they are already committed. If you are aware that this is happening, approach them and ask if you can “help out” a bit. Do what you can to relieve the stress without the public being aware of it.

Your predecessor left you with a mess

Sometimes a well intentioned leader can have a program that is diametrically opposed to your philosophy of youth ministry – or even opposed to good sense. Changes are not only in order but necessary, as soon as possible.

• Again, you gain nothing by attacking your predecessor or even of the program itself.
  
• Look at the programs that are established and you will get resistance to if you change them too soon. One group I inherited was big on initiations and other humiliation “games” which I find offensive. But I didn't come in and self-righteously declare them bad. Over time, we just “forget” to do them and replaced them with better games.
• If you can invoke “health and safety” or other objective concerns, this helps. I retired “Fuzzy Bunnies” by saying how funny and disgusting the game was, but I had discovered that their was a real choking hazard.
• Make replacement programs better and more fun than what is being replaced
• Be sympathetic when people say “But we've never done it that way before.” Then wait it out.
• Give a positive, Biblical, theological reason for what you want to do. Again, don't put down or disparage the old program, just justify the replacement program.

Establishing a leadership style: Introduction

To a certain extent we are who we are. But humans are also flexible and adaptable and can learn new ways of operating, within a range. The youth are worth the effort to modify your way of doing things. The trick is identifying what needs to change. Are you controlling and need to learn to back off? Are you hyper-emotional? Too detached? Inappropriately sarcastic? …. We want to be the best we can be, which means learning how to improve ourselves and our interactions and leadership style.

Get acquainted game: “Gunfighter”

The person in middle of the circle spins around and points to someone with right or left hand. Person pointed to has to name the person to their left or right before the person in middle can say “bang, bang, bang.” Oh, all right: the person in the middle can say “flower, flower, flower.”

Moratorium #2: Balance between moratorium and encouragement

Some youth need to be pushed beyond their present character, others need to be allowed to chill for awhile. I've had some great leaders that went on to great things after being pushed to try bigger and more important projects as a youth. I have also watched a youth crash and burn, even attempt suicide, because they weren't allowed a break in the constant pressure. Sometimes it was the smallest of additional pressure that pushed them over the edge. Some guidelines for choosing between these approaches:

• When in doubt, err on the side of backing off. Not pushing a kid to their potential is less destructive than pushing a kid to the breaking point.
• When a kid looks you in the eye and says, “I can't do it” they probably can't, go with plan B.
• When a kid timidly says, “I don't think I can do it” encourage them and stay the course.
• Remember the adage that too much pressure at too young of an age makes a person fragile rather than strong.
• Keep in mind the adage that the youth needs to be progressively given responsibility and freedom from 6^th to 12^th grade. They are closely monitored at 6^th grade and totally independent by the end of 12^th grade. Structure youth activities accordingly and give out responsibilities appropriately.

Group in a bad mood

 From time to time a group may be in a bad mood -- for whatever reason.  Additionally, when a group is having to deal with a new person (you?) they almost always get in a bad mood after a week or two.  Change is a stresser for groups.

• Do not define the group by these passing phases.  They are not a bad group because they sometimes are in a bad mood.
• Think about what may have put them in a bad mood.  Can the problem be mitigated?  Do you need to punt for one time together?  Try going out for ice cream -- a panacea for bad moods.
• At all costs, wait it out.  It should pass, although there are rare groups that are just cranky.
• Hold not grudges or remembered hurts from such times.  Grudges serve no positive purpose, and accumulate until you resent everyone...

Your predecessor did a good job

Even if you get tired of hearing about him/her, always complement them for anything they did right. It doesn't hurt you at all if people continues to think highly of them (after all, you have the job now, they don't). Build on and, possibly, over time, away from, their program.