When to refer youth with problems

When confronted with youth with seeming deep emotional problems:

• Few front-line youth workers have the time and training to do deep, long-term counseling. However, because we love them and believe ourselves to be competent, we are often slow to refer a youth or parents to professional counselors.
  
• Our job, most often, is “triage” – we try to determine whether they simply need a psychological or spiritual “band-aid,” which we can provide, or they have deep wounds that need to be treated by a specialist.
  
• When in doubt, refer.
  
• Currently, cross gender counseling is not likely. Find someone of the opposite gender that you trust and send youth of that gender there.
  

Working with our own misperceptions

Working with our own misperceptions:

• Recognize that youth, when uncomfortable or uncertain about a situation convey an attitude that doesn't reflect their true feelings. This can just be a defense mechanism in case they or their peers don't end up liking it.
  
• Some youth may be preoccupied with other concerns and troubles but appear externally as if they don't like you or your program even though the program doesn't have anything to do with it.
  
• Some youth who seem indifferent or who seem to make the youth program a low priority may actually value you or your program way beyond your imagination – their lives are not their own and driven by external forces (parents).
  
• Some kids roll their eyes in reaction to things you say or do. There may or may not be meaning behind this action. It is sometimes helpful to comment, privately, about how it makes you feel when you see that. They may be surprised to know that they had done it and how your feel.
  
• Some youth's “face at rest” – their default facial expression – is sour or bored or sad looking. These looks mean nothing at all and should not be taken seriously.
  
• It is difficult to challenge our own misperceptions so we need an outside objective source of information to check our perceptions against.
  
• Looking back and seeing when we misperceived things in the past helps us avoid making the same mistake.

Confirmation program classes

If you have formal class sessions as a part of a confirmation program:

• Recognize that that kids will have to miss a lot of sessions. Plan each session to be independent and decide when/how to do make up for essentials. Some youth will have to miss whole seasons because of sports.
• Don't assume they know anything in particular.
• Make sure the lessons are developmentally appropriate for the age.

Surprises: taking care of details

One aspect of planning is to double check the who, what, when and where questions about a destination or event. One of the easiest problems is one of scheduling – to arrive at an ice cream parlor an hour after it has closed is to invite disappointment rather than pleasure.

• Businesses and organizations often have erratic schedules, change schedules seasonally, or for no apparent reason. Just because someone told you that a place was open at a certain time does not mean it will be open when you want to go there.
• Another issue is to make sure that you know where you are going – to show up at Utica Bowls, a ceramics shop, will not have the same impact on most groups as arriving at Utica Bowl, a bowling alley.
• Having an appropriate destination for a particular group is also an issue. A desired activity may only be available in a particular place that is not acceptable to the youth or to their parents. A Laser-tag parlor in an "adult entertainment area" might not go over well with some churches. These sorts of things are rather localized and dependent on knowing your group. Some groups can comfortably go into areas that other groups wouldn't think of trying. Doing a generic questioning of a few parents to get a sense of acceptability helps greatly. At the advice of a parent, for example, I put off a particular Unknown Destination for a couple of years until we had done enough of them that parents felt confident enough to not worry about their child's safety.
• Even small things need to be checked in advance. One "spontaneous" activity I introduced at a Canoe camp that began with a day long, miserable rain, was using a field for a mud slide. It was great fun and a real surprise for the group when I took off running, threw myself on the ground and slid 30 feet across the field. But this wouldn't have been fun if someone had slid into a spike or rock. Before the campers had arrived, I had checked out the field and the rest of the camp site – not with a mud slide in mind but just to check out the environment and to look for hazards and opportunities.
• Usually surprises require extra leadership – or at least extra drivers. These leaders/drivers do not necessarily have to be in on the surprise but they should be capable leaders that can improvise as necessary. In some situations the person in charge may have to be dealing with problems or issues involving the surprise and cannot be involved with the youth. It is therefore important to have adults capable of doing a good job of working creatively with the youth.
• We've all been in situations where the best laid plans go astray or need extra attention. It is important to have a person ready to either work out the problem or to keep the group moving in a positive direction. Someone on the team of leaders needs to be free enough from other responsibilities to handle the details.
• If the surprise is away from home it is important to have all the necessary supplies and equipment to be self sufficient. One technique I use is to have a pair of (very heavy!) catalog cases fully loaded with supplies: from balloons to string, games, Bibles and song books. This way I don't have to stop and think this issue through and pack each time we go anywhere. Even if you are going to a "retreat" setting where you would expect to find things like pencils and Bibles, it is a crisis to get there and then find out that something important is not there.

Have some kind of “report back” to the congregation from major events, especially if there was fund raising for it.

• Use a “Moment for Mission” in worship, to highlight youth activities and missions.
  
• Host a thank-you dinner with presentation about the trip (press the youth to plan the presentation carefully, such presentations tend to be unprepared and extemporaneous and therefore inarticulate, long and boring if not embarrassing).
  
• Run a PowerPoint presentation continuously in the Narthex.
  
• Create a picture board in the Narthex or halls. Creating this is a good project for a youth not otherwise involved.
  

When you “fall in love with” or are physically attracted to a youth

Of course this is a complicated topic and every situation is different (yeah, yeah) and generalizations will often be written off as mere generalizations. Whole books can be written on the subject. However, I will take a stab at reducing this topic to practical “hints.” Be sure to check my other hints on appropriate behavior (use the topical index to isolate those hints). 
I will present here a variety of hints on how to deal with inappropriate feelings. Not all will be useful for any one person. Find the ones that work for you.
I should also point out that although historically this has been viewed as a male issue, we are discovering that it is also a female leader's concern. There are differences, but a lot of the hints are equally applicable without reference to gender and because of the variations in humans I think it would not be possible to say that one hint is only applicable to one gender. Although I generally post one or two hints at a time, I will post all my (current) thinking on this subject all at once.

One item that is not on this list is “will power” as in, “just be strong and ignore your feelings.” Will power is a not a reliable strategy.

• Keep in mind that we humans can talk ourselves into anything. No matter how unreasonable or improper or … anything, we can decide that it is somehow reasonable. We need outside criteria or judgments to challenge our wishes.
• If you were to reveal your feelings to: a spouse, supervisor, confident, or almost anyone else, would they agree with your wishes or take you up side the head? If the latter, then you know that your wishes are stupid, no matter how strong they are.
• Keep in mind that any adolescent “in love” with you:
  • is an adolescent and can fall out of love with you in a heart beat. This can leave you hanging out to dry, as they say.
  • It is likely that power relationships may be a primary factor: people often are attracted to people in power. This is the classic “sexual abuse” scenario. This isn't love and it is totally inappropriate to take advantage of your power over them.
  • may have a hidden agenda. Some youths, even seemingly innocent youths, can have really dark and manipulative motives. You just can't trust a situation where you can be the victim.
  • has (not probably – this is a given) an unrealistic and idealized view of you. You are not who they are in love with, but an imaginary you. If you allow them to play out their fantasies they may be horrified by the real you.
  • because you may be a “safe” object of their love. They may not trust their peers or have had a bad experience with one or more peer, or they are new and inexperienced at this “love” stuff and they fall in love with someone they can trust to not do anything. Younger adolescent are most likely to look for safe loves. Again, they really don't want you to act on their admiration.
• Your view of the youth is probably idealized and a fantasy, rather than based on reality. It is fine to fantasize, but don't don't take it seriously.
• It is not reasonable to work under the assumption that a relationship can be kept a secret. No matter how hard you plan, somehow it will be leaked/guessed/revealed. Then what?
• You think you can talk your way out of any situation. Ha! Not in the current environment.
• You are in love? So what? You and they have a long life ahead – you both will love again (and again, and again). If this is not a reasonable permanent relationship – and it is not – let it go. Heartache is beside the point and quite endurable
• Picture your relationship in 10 years; in 30 years; in 50 years. What will it look like. If you care for the kid, are you willing to subject them to pain and misery later in life?
• Are you willing to sacrifice your career, family, way of life for an adolescent?

Unpacking vehicles on a trip

When unpacking a vehicle or vehicles at an overnight stop, at the destination or at the end of the trip:

• Allow people to remove their travel items (backpack, pillows, etc) then either have everyone or a large subgroup return for unpacking the vehicle(s).
  
• Allow no one to dig for their own bags. This is contrary to human nature and a real learning experience for the youth and a trial for the adults.
  
• Each person is to “grab and go:” grab a bag or armload and carry it into the building, depositing it in a large area such as a foyer, then returning for another load.
  
• Some adult should supervise the unloading while another keeps sending the youth back out.
  
• When a group gets the idea this can be very efficient and quick.
  
• When the entire vehicle are unloaded, including your stuff and the group's common items, show the youth their living spaces and let them find their personal belongings and move in.
  
• Help those who left something in a vehicle. They can pick up and bring in the trash while they are at it.