Reporting sexual abuse and other things

Know your state laws concerning what has to be reported.

• Almost always any sexual abuse situation has to be reported. These one-size-fits-all laws may be offensive or seemingly inappropriate for a particular case, but they are there for good reasons and should be observed.
  

• Don't make promises you should not, cannot, keep. If you are required by law to report something, like a pregnancy, don't promise not to tell. But you can say something about the importance of their telling their parents and that you'll go with them and help them through it.
  

• If you think that a legally significant issue is coming up, such as sexual abuse, give them some kind of warning, such as: “Some situations are so big and destructive, we really can't deal with these kinds of things just the two of us, we need to go to someone who can really help, which may include legal help. In fact we are required to do so in some situations. You'll need to trust me to know when this is the best thing. If we need to go for help, I'll be with you throughout and make sure you are all right. You are too important to allow a bad situation to continue.”
  
• If, indeed, they are in an abusive situations, of any kind, work at getting them to go (with you, at first) to a professional who is trained and skilled in helping such youth.
  

Youth Group Moods

Scientifically provable or not, expect them to be loony at full moons, and wild whenever there is a dropping barometer. Batten down the hatches when the weather is changing on a full moon.

• Remember that these things affect you too – are you a part of the problem?
  
• There is little value in fighting it or going away mad at them for being out of control. Just make adjustments and survive it – such times are a good time for a surprise field trip or scrapping a lesson in favor of wild games. However, stay in control and make sure nothing bad happens.
  

Games Students Play -- The Kick Me Kid

(Be sure you have read the introduction to these "games":Games Students Play)

"Why does everything always happen to me"

Youth game. This is the youth that seems to wear a "kick me" sign. They expect everyone to pick on them and many oblige them. Their reward for playing this game is the freedom to whine, complain, get attention, even retribution. This is not a matter of blaming the victim and does not justify the bullying. However, it doesn't help the situation if the victim works at being victimized. (It might be surmised that the victim is abused at home, but I've not seen any correlation. This might be an interesting study...)

Breaking this game is almost impossible because it is usually ingrained in the person and probably in the family as a whole. Some hints when encountering a “kick me kid:”

• React in as low key fashion as possible.
• If the whine can be ignored do so.
• If it has to be acted on (“John just hit me!”) do so with little drama and outside the view of the victim or anyone else. Bullying can't be tolerated, but inverse bullying by the victim is not good either. You can't always know what led up to the attack.
• Find ways of giving positive attention to the person playing this game.
• Resist the temptation to just tell the person to “toughen up,” “life is hard and then you die” or other natural reactions. But you can, through your gentle lack of sympathy, show that you expect them to endure.
• This is an issue that might benefit from ideas and suggestions from others.

Surprise activities

Eventually I'll give detailed comments and a document or two about major surprise activities. One of my most popular events was an Unknown Destination Trip for my Middle Schoolers. But these have to be done carefully. Here are a few random hints about these events.

• Youth's schedules have gotten so complex that having a surprise activity outside the normal times for youth events is very difficult and you can only count on a percent of the kids to be available. This affects things like surprise breakfasts, retreats, trips.
  
• Don't expect the kids to have money. Surprises have to be fully funded.
  
• If it is an overnight, when parents drop off their children, provide each with a sealed envelope with a complete, moment by moment agenda, with contact phone numbers. They are not to open these before you leave.
  
• If there are going to be more than one vehicle on a trip, provide each vehicle with a sealed envelope that has maps, schedule and phone numbers in case you get separated.
  
• No one, not even the other counselors, your spouse, your boss is to know anything. Spouse and boss can be provided one of the sealed envelopes with details.
  
• Some places of interest may require their own releases for each participant. If so, have each parent fill out and sign after the youth are loaded into the vehicles. If the youth has to sign also, have them do so just before that particular activity.

When a youth dies

When a youth in your program dies or when a youth's death will affect your group.

This is a huge topic and not one that can easily be reduced to “hints.” There are so many variations to the situations you might be faced with: sudden and tragic death of a youth at school, a disaster which causes death, a suicide (which is also be covered in other hints), a sudden and tragic death by one of the youth in your group, a long lingering illness that ends in death, a death-like tragedy such as an abused child being taken away to foster care, a youth's parents are killed and the youth is moved to another community... on and on.

Although kids get over things really quickly they still can change their view of God, life, the world in these small, brief moments of trauma.

The hints I'll be giving are focused on very specific actions the youth leaders will probably need to take. The details will depend on the situation.

Trip orientation meeting: illegal activities

Rules of behavior. Explain that laying out rules is not a sign you don't trust them. Trust has nothing to do with it. The adults are held legally responsible for the youth. This is strictly a formality so that there are no misunderstandings or surprises:

• On some things there can be no flexibility: If you break the law (underage drinking, drugs, etc) we'll still love you and forgive you as we put you on the airplane home – at your parent's expense.
  (I had one group of boys put me to the test on this -- they bought a joke bottle of honey that looked like a bottle of bourbon.  They pretended to be sneaking it and let me catch them.  I started to make arrangements to fly them home when the revealed the "joke." We all laughed but I almost had a heart attack over it. They never tried anything unacceptable after that.)
  

Nicknames

If a youth is still called by a childish nickname, use the youth's formal name unless they indicate they prefer the nickname. This is a form of giving them respect and indicating that you think they are grown up.